But I’m Intolerant To Obnoxiousness

, , , , | Right | May 3, 2016

(I am on the phone discussing the lunch options provided for a training course the customer will be attending.)

Customer: “Will there be any gluten-free options available for lunch?”

Me: “Absolutely! You’ll be going to [Restaurant] and they have plenty of gluten-free options.”

Customer: “Are you sure? Because I cannot have any gluten at all; I’m extremely intolerant to it.”

Me: “I guarantee there will be gluten-free options available. My boss has Coeliac disease so she’s in the same boat, and I’m a vegetarian myself so I definitely understand the need for certain dietary requirements.”

Customer: *loud exaggerated sigh* “I’m so sick of people comparing gluten intolerance to vegetarianism. YOURS is a choice. MINE is not.”

Me: “Oh, umm I was just trying to assure you that I understand your requirements and I’ll make sure to let the restaurant know.”

Customer: “See that you do.”

(I was tempted to call the restaurant and ask them to sprinkle her meal with flour.)

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Don’t Have A Cow, Man

, , , , , | Right | February 12, 2016

(I work on a cattle farm in a small town. I am checking fences on the quad bike when a small car drives up the dirt road next to the paddock I’m in. A couple gets out of a small car and walks up to me. This is just a farm; we do not handle customers, just send cattle to the marketplace. I have no retail experience and have had a very bad day and it’s almost quitting time.)

Boyfriend: “Hello there. We’re from [City] and we saw those small cows in the fields back there, and we were wondering if we could buy one?”

Me: “Sorry, mate, the calves aren’t for sale.”

Boyfriend: “But my girlfriend really wants one.”

Me: “Sorry, mate, we don’t sell ’em to people and besides, how would you get it back to your house?”

Boyfriend: “We put it in the boot.” *the trunk*

Me: “Wait, what? You put what in the boot?!”

Boyfriend: “The small cow…”

Me: “What the h***, man! You can’t do that!”

(I climb through the fence and make the couple open the boot. Inside is a week-old calf!)

Me: “Jesus, mate, how the f*** did you get it in there?!”

Boyfriend: “Well, that’s the other thing I wanted to talk about! It wasn’t easy at all; my girlfriend got kicked!

Girlfriend: *shows me her arm, bruise already starting to show* “It really hurts; I think we should get the cow for free.”


Boyfriend: “That’s not fair! It was so hard to get; we didn’t even have time to close the gate again.”

Me: “You didn’t close the gate…”

Girlfriend: “No. Why?”

Me: *looks back down the road to see half the mob of cattle wandering towards us*

Me: “F***!”

(I grab the calf, which until this point hasn’t felt the need to move much for whatever reason, and place it on the ground. It immediately takes off towards the other cattle, bellowing for its mother.)

Boyfriend: “What the f*** did you that for, you f****** a**-hole! I should kick your a**! We are gonna find your boss and get you fired!”

Me: “Whatever. Just get lost!

(I race to the quad bike, start rounding up cattle, taking them back to the paddock before they get to the main roads. It takes about half an hour. When I get back to the shed the car is out the front and my boss is talking to the couple.)

Boss: “These two just told me the funniest story about you.” *he’s smiling, thinking this has to be a joke*

Me: *still fuming over what happened, begin yelling at the couple*

Boss: “Wait, this isn’t a joke?”

Boyfriend: “No, this isn’t a joke! Your employee is terrible!”

Boss: *takes a moment to process the whole thing, begins to get his angry face on, and I retreat to safe distance* “YOU’RE TELLING ME YOU TWO TRIED TO STEAL ONE OF MY CALVES?! GET THE H*** OFF THIS PROPERTY BEFORE I FIND A DEEP MINE-SHAFT I CAN THROW YOU IN!”

Couple: *shared look of terror on faces, they run to the car and speed off*

Boss: *after calming down* “Beer?”

Me: “God, yes.”

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Creeping Into The Parking Spot

, , , , , | Friendly | November 22, 2015

(I am pulling into a shopping carpark and notice an empty parking space to my right, as well as three other customers putting their groceries into their cars. Unfortunately, carpark road rules say I can only turn left, so I do so and do a loop around the car park to return to that spot where I would be able to park. When I return to that area, just half a minute later, there is an angry looking customer holding up the flow of traffic in the carpark entry. He wants to turn right, where I had spotted the car spaces. I indicate left and enter the area and immediately find a spot. One car leaves and the angry customer parks, immediately next to me. Another car leaves, leaving a third spot free and a mother is putting her child in her car, meaning a fourth will soon become available. This guy looks pretty rough, the kind of guy you wouldn’t want to mess with, and I am a woman.)

Angry Customer: *looks at me, scowling* “You stupid f****** b****!”

(He continues as he gets out of his car and begins to walk past me, swearing and shouting. I have had enough. I get out of my car.)

Me: *speaking calmly* “You shouldn’t get so angry.”

Angry Customer: *waving his arms around* “Well, I am telling you, you are f****** lucky I was able to park here or I’d have messed you up!”

Me: *raising my voice* “No! You listen. I entered the car park before you and saw what would soon be four car spaces in this area. I followed the road rules and turned left when I was supposed to, and you held up traffic before turning right illegally. Even if you were allowed to turn right there, I would still have right of way because you need to give way to me. Plus, I am in a parking spot, you are in a parking spot, and there are now an additional two empty spots here. So, what is the point in acting like a lunatic?”

(The angry customer looks at left only sign. His face pales.)

Angry Customer: “Oh! I am sorry! You are right and I shouldn’t get angry like this. I have to say I am really proud of you for standing up to me. That’s really brave. No one ever stands up to me.”

(He continued like that as I walked hurriedly to the shopping centre. He was creepier when he was polite than he was when he was angry. When I returned to my car I found a rose on my windscreen.)

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Cocktail Fail

, , | Right | November 11, 2015

(I work at the bar of a venue that holds specific functions.)

Customer: “Hi. Do you do cocktails?”

Me: “I’m sorry; we’re not able to do cocktails tonight.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Can I just get an espresso martini then?”

Me: “…Um, no.”

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Won’t Get Her Pie In The Sky

, , , | Right | October 3, 2015

(I work in an Australian department store which has a food hall. An elderly customer approaches our bakery which sells fresh cakes and pies.)

Customer: “Hello, dearie, I’d like a steak and kidney pie.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we don’t sell steak and kidney pies, but we do have a selection of others.”

(I proceed to read the selection to the customer.)

Customer: “I’ll have the beef and mushroom pie, then.”

Me: “Sure thing.”

Customer: “Can you pack it well? I want to take it on the plane.”

Me: “The plane?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m flying back to London today.”

Me: “You want to take a fresh pie with meat products in it on an international flight back to England?”

Customer: “Yes, of course.”

Me: “You can’t take food that isn’t sealed out of the country and into another one.”

Customer: “Of course I can. Just sell me the pie”

(I sold the customer the pie and I still wonder how far she made it before customs stopped her.)

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