Don’t Lose Sleep Over It

, , , | Related | November 25, 2013

(In Australia, we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving or anything like it. Even so, most people know about the holiday through TV and movies. I am 21 years old and unmarried, with absolutely no boyfriend of any kind.)

Me: “Man, I had the weirdest dream last night!”

Brother: “Yeah?”

Me: “I was dreaming that I’d married some American guy and moved there, but forgot all about Thanksgiving, so my mother-in-law was tearing into me. Then, my ten-year-old kid came home from school crying because everyone else did awesome stuff on Thanksgiving and he had to do homework. Weird, right?”

Brother: *perfectly serious* “That wasn’t a dream. This conversation is. You still have to wake up and explain yourself to everyone. Shame on you; that’s like forgetting Christmas.”

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Engaged With Reality

, , , , , | Romantic | November 20, 2013

(My older brother is not what you’d call the romantic type, and his girlfriend is very laid back. They’ve gone to visit her sister on the coast, and he’s taken her for a walk along her favourite beach, which shares her name. My brother stops walking and pulls out a box.)

Girlfriend: “If you get on one knee, I will punch you.”

My Brother: “So… you up for it?”

 Girlfriend: “Sure.”

(They high-fived, got some fish and chips, and called everyone. I’m going to be a bridesmaid at their wedding!)

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Not Very (Stereo)Typical Of The Service Industry

, , , , , | Working | November 5, 2013

(I’m on vacation with my parents, grandparents, friend and friend’s mum. My grandparents and mum are German, and my dad is Japanese. Due to this, I have learnt German and Japanese, but I have no accent as I grew up in Australia. My friend is just plain Australian. A waitress has asked everyone but me what they want to eat.)

Grandma: *with German accent* “You forgot her.”

(My grandma points to me.)

Waitress: “Oh, I’m sorry; what will you have?”

Me: “I’ll just have a bowl of chips and a lemonade, please.”

(The waitress smiles nicely, but mumbles in Japanese under her breathe as she walks away.)

Waitress: “Stupid fat girl. Why should I serve that pig just so she can get fatter than a whale?”

(My dad and I are the only ones that understand.)

Me: “Um, wait, one more thing.”

(The waitress turns back around with smile on her face.)

Me: “I’d like to speak to your manager for the way you spoke to me.”

(The waitress gets her manager.)

Manager: “What’s the problem?”

Dad: “The problem is that waitress. She had missed my daughter, and she muttered that my daughter was a stupid fat girl that she shouldn’t have to serve just so she can get fatter than a whale. Weight is a sensitive subject for my daughter, as she has been teased about it many times; she is working on losing her extra fluff by doing kickboxing and going to a gym. I guess the waitress did not expect any Japanese people in our family.”

(The manager turns to the waitress.)

Manager: “Apologize, now!”

Waitress: “Well, how was I supposed to know they could speak Japanese? The old farts are Nazis, the man looks like a Chino, and the girl looks like a deformation!”

Manager: “DO NOT insult a customer! I have seen them in here before; they are wonderful people. I will not stand for your rudeness and racist comments. I’m from America; are you going to call me a ‘hamburger-eating fat-a**’?”

(When we went back the next day, the waitress had been fired!)

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School Sculpts Strong Minds

, , , , | Learning | August 20, 2013

(My English teacher loves ‘Harry Potter’ and ‘Star Wars’. Our class is made up by six people, with only two guys. Our teacher is talking about Macbeth being a tragic hero, and putting other characters forward to compare.)

Teacher: “Like Darth Vader, he was a tragic hero by the key concepts—”

(The teacher spots [Classmate #1] fiddling with his hat in a suggestive position.)

Teacher: “—what in the blazes are you doing?”

Classmate #1: *wide-eyed, before waving hand like a Jedi* “You see nothing. You shall continue teaching the class.”

Classmate #2: *waves hand at [Classmate #1]* “You shall admit that you were masturbating to [Teacher].”

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Victim Of A Crazy Mugging

, , , | Right | March 20, 2013

(We have a staff break room near the bathrooms. Customers accidentally walk into it all the time, so we get a very big sign that says ‘Staff Only — Please Do Not Enter.’ One day, I hear several very loud noises coming from the staff break room. I go to investigate.)

Me: “Is everything okay in here?”

(I look around to utter chaos. Tea and coffee has been thrown all around the room. Milk has been poured on the counter, and the water jug is on the floor. Oddest of all, the fridge door is wide open, and the shelves have been neatly removed and stacked on top of the table. In the middle of all of it is sitting a very well-dressed, middle-aged woman. She is sipping coffee out of my personal coffee mug.)

Me: “I… um… excuse me, ma’am?”

(She looks up with a lovely smile, and goes back to sipping coffee.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. I’m going to have to ask you to… um—”

(She stares at me for a very long time, then goes back to her coffee.)

Me: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave, ma’am. This is a staff only area.”

(She smiles, and starts talking in a very fake British accent.)

Customer: “Oh, you know. I just wanted a coffee.”

Me: “That’s fine, ma’am. I’m going to have to ask you to take it outside of this room. It’s for staff only.”

Customer: “But… my coffee?”

Me: “It’s okay, take it around the shop with you. I’ll even put it into a take-away cup for you.”

(I offer to take back my mug. Her smile turns to a horrible scowl.)

Customer: “MY cup!”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, it’s mine. Now, I need you to leave this area before I call security.”

Customer: “Oh!”

(Smiling again, she gets up and walks out of the room. She then turns around, shrieks, and hurls the cup at me, where it smashes at my feet.)

Customer: “MY CUP! MY COFFEE!”

(I called security. She went on a rampage, trying to smash everything in sight. She even bit the security guard. They had to call the police, because they couldn’t restrain her. I guess some people really do need coffee to be human.)

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