Me: “Hi, would you like to buy a ticket?”
Customer: “Yes, when is your next flight to Oregano?”
Me: “Oregano?”
Customer: “Yeah, it’s in America. I think it’s a state?”
(On my computer, I find the Wikipedia page for Oregano.)
Customer: “Oh… I’m not dumb, I swear…”
(A man going through security is stopped when the X-ray reveals that he has a full-length sword in his carry-on luggage.)
Me: “Sir, what are you doing with this sword?”
Customer: “It’s a souvenir. It’s not even sharp.”
Me: “This can in no way go on board a plane.”
Customer: “But it’s not even sharp!”
Me: “You’re going to need to come with me. Anything like this, whether it’s a souvenir or not, should have been placed in your checked luggage.”
Customer: “I don’t believe this! It’s not a real sword! And it’s not even sharp?! Do I look stupid to you?”
Me: “You look like a person trying to bring a sword onto a plane.”
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(I work airport security. The metal detectors choose random people for additional screening. On the screen, it will tell us if it’s an actual alarm or random. The alert beep sounds almost identical to the metal alarm one. A lady walks through and the machine chooses her for random screening.)
Me: “Hello, bonjour, miss. You’ve been chosen for additional screening.”
Lady: *not listening* “Oh, I don’t think I have any metal.”
Me: “No, the metal detector chose you for random screening.”
Lady: *still not listening* “I don’t think it’s my shoes; I’ve worn them through before.”
Me: “No, it’s random.”
Lady: *still not listening* “I don’t have anything in my pockets.”
Me: “It’s random selection.”
Lady: “Maybe if I try—” *suddenly stops, clueing in* “Oh! Maybe if I listened; I’d like the scanner, please!”
(Around 12:30 am at the airport, a young woman in her mid-20’s strolls up to me at the check-in counter.)
Me: “How are you this morning?”
Female Customer: “Alright. How early can I check in for a morning flight?”
Me: “Using the kiosk boarding pass printers, you can check in up to five hours early, but you won’t be able to drop off your bag until we open again around 5 am. What flight are you on?”
Female Customer: “My name is [Their Name] and I’m on the 6:30 flight to Winnipeg. My fiance just broke up with me because of an argument that’s his fault. He just up and left, so I thought I’ll come here and see. We are still on the same flight, too.”
Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Well, at least you are on separate reservations. Did you want to go later?”
Female Customer: “No, I just want to get out of here. Is there a bar or anything open around here?”
Me: “I’m sorry, but the only thing open is the Tim Hortons, which is one floor below us, and the Mac’s stores on either end of the terminal.”
Female Customer: “Okay. Is there anywhere to sleep?”
Me: “Sure, just head up to the third floor. There are some very comfy chairs, and it’s nice and quiet.”
Female Customer: “Thanks…” *leaves*
(About ten minutes later, one of my coworkers calls a guy in his late 20’s up to her podium. I overhear their conversation…)
Coworker: “Where are you off to?”
Male Customer: “Winnipeg at 6:30 am.”
Coworker: “Okay. You won’t be able to checkin until 5 hours prior, and you won’t be able to drop your bags until we open again around 5 am.”
(I know where this is going, so I walk over to the counter and chime in.)
Me: “Can I ask you a very personal question?”
Male Customer: “Okay?”
Me: “Did you just break up with your fiance?”
Male Customer: *surprised* “How do you know!”
Me: “I just talked to her about ten minutes ago. She is here at the airport.”
Male Customer: “F***! Where is she?”
Me: “I sent her downstairs to the Tim Hortons, and then to the third floor to sleep.”
Male Customer: “Where should I go?”
Me: “If you stay on this floor, you should be okay. Just head down the terminal further by the other airlines. She won’t look for you there.”
Male Customer: “F***! We’re on the same flight too!”
Me: “I know. Good luck!”
(I’m waiting to board a delayed flight with one of Europe’s cheapest and largest airlines.)
Hostess: “Welcome to flight [Number] from Malmö to Dublin. Those of you with seating numbers 1 through 35, please go to line one. Those of you with seating numbers 36 and up, please go to line two. If any of you are traveling with small children or checked in online, please go to the counter and you will be let on board before we start boarding the other passengers.”
(A group of businessmen, about 35-55 years old and in suits, walk to the counter and cut in front of a family with very young children.)
Hostess: “Well, I can see you didn’t check-in online, so you’ll have to stand in line. The first line is for early seating numbers; the second line is for la–”
Businessman #1: “Oh, come on… Can’t you make an exception? We’re already standing here and all.”
Businessman #2: “You only have to board us and we’re done!”
Hostess: “No, you’ll have to wait in turn, just like everyone else. The lines start over there.”
Businessman #2: “But I always get to board the plane first!”
Hostess: “You’re not a family with children and you didn’t check in over the Internet, so you’ll have to stand in line.”
Businessman #2: *very angrily* “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!”
Hostess: “No, but you can’t be that important if you’re traveling with us.”
Businessman #2: *quietly retreats to the back of the line with his buddies*
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