(A customer comes in to get a replacement debit card. Lost cards attract a replacement fee, but for stolen cards, the fee is waived.)

Customer: “I need to cancel my debit card and get a new one.”

Me: “No problem. Was it lost or stolen?”

Customer: *looks a bit confused* “I’ve only just noticed it’s missing. Does it make a difference?”

(I explain about the replacement card fee.)

Customer: “Yeah, I think it must have been stolen when I left my wallet in the car earlier.”

Me: “No problem. Do you happen to have any ID on you?”

Customer: “Sure.”

(The customer pulls out an old, tattered wallet that also clearly contains a reasonable amount of cash, and gets a driver’s license out.)

Me: “Thanks. You were pretty lucky.”

Customer: “How come?”

Me: “Lucky they only stole your debit card from your wallet.”

Customer: *suddenly looking guilty* “Yeah.”

(Pause.)

Customer: “So I’m going to be charged the replacement card fee?”

Me: “Yeah.”

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Customer: “Excuse me, where is the tea?”

Me: “Right this way.”

Customer: “Do you have any tea that isn’t fair trade?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Do you have any tea that isn’t fair trade? It’s more expensive!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I think you are missing the point.”

Customer: “It’s more expensive! That isn’t very fair to me!”

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Customer: *walks up and takes a deep breath* “WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB! WE’RE HERE TO MAKE YOU THINK ABOUT DEATH AND BE SAD AND STUFF!”

Me: “So, one for Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World?”

Customer: “That sounds lovely.”

Me: “How can I help you?”

Caller: “This a bookstore?”

Me: “Yes, this is a bookstore.”

Caller: “Oh. I need the eighth Harry Potter book.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but there are only seven Harry Potter books.”

Caller: “But I need the eighth one.”

Me: “There are only seven books, sir.”

Caller: “Why?”

Me: “Because there are only seven years at Hogwarts.”

Caller: “What does that mean?”

Me: “Sir, have you read the Harry Potter books?”

Caller: “No, my son reads them and he finished the seventh one and asked me to get the eighth one.”

Me: “Sir, if he read the seventh one, he would know that that was the final book in the series.”

Caller: “But he wants to read it. What can I do?”

Me: “Contact the author?”

Caller: “Do you have his number?”

Me: “Do I have J.K. Rowling’s number?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “No. I… uh… don’t happen to have that on me.”

Caller: “Oh. Can you tell my son that there are only seven?”

Me: “No, I’m sure you’re quite capable of doing that all on your own.”

Caller: “He will be very upset!” *hangs up*

(We require full coverage insurance on vehicles we sell that we are financing in-house. I call the customer to tell her she needs to provide us with proof of insurance.)

Me: “We need you to fax us your current proof of insurance, ma’am. You can have your insurance agent fax it over.”

Caller: “I’ll just use the fax at my work. I’ll be there in five minutes.”

(She calls back in an hour.)

Caller: “Okay, they said I could use the fax. How do I send it to you?”

Me: “Maybe you could ask someone there to help you?”

Caller: *yelling* “Bob! I need to fax this to the car place!”

Bob: *in background* “What’s the fax number?”

(I tell the customer the fax number.)

Customer: “Okay, it’s working.”

(My fax machine rings, and her insurance starts printing.)

Customer: “Now make sure you send that back to me, it’s my original and I have to keep it in my car!”

Me: “Um… it should be sitting on your fax machine.”

Customer: “Wow, these fax things are fast!”

This story is part of the Customer Complaints That Resolve Themselves roundup!

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