(After talking to an elderly customer about a computer and all its benefits, I try to talk to him about our in-store warranty.)

Me: “So, are you interested in purchasing this computer and having it protected for three years through us?”

Customer: “I would be dead by then.”

Me: “Then it would be a lifetime warranty.”

Customer: *laughs*

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Me: “Sir, can I help you?”

Customer: “I need a cable.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll take you to our cables. What kind of cable do you need?”

Customer: “Uhm…. a cable. USB? I need to hook up a computer.”

Me: “Here are our USB cables, but could you be a little more specific?”

Customer: *getting angry* “These are not what I need at all! I need a cable! Are you deaf? I need a  C-A-B-L-E. I need one for my computer.”

Me: “Sir, there are a lot of cables. If you could tell me what kind of thing you are trying to hook up?”

Customer: “Is there anyone else on the floor that can help me? Maybe one of the computer guys? You’re obviously too stupid to understand.”

Me: “Sir, I am the only one on the floor at the moment and I am trying my best to help you find your cable.”

Customer: “Miss, why don’t you go back to the registers where you belong and bring me a computer guy?”

Me: “Sir, I am the tech person and would be happy to help you find your cable. Could you show me an example of what you mean?”

(The customer, extremely agitated, goes to a display computer.)

Customer: This is what I want! A cable!”

Me: “You mean a keyboard?”

Customer: “Um…yes.” *sheepishly leaves the store*

(We use a simple chalk-marking system to monitor how long cars have been parked downtown.)

Man: *seeing me make a small chalk mark on a car tire* “Hey! You can’t do that!”

Me: “I’m pretty sure I can.”

Man: “That’s illegal!”

Me: *marking the next car* “How is it illegal?”

Man: “It’s against the Fourth Amendment!”

Me: “You mean the Fourth Amendment, which protects you from unlawful searches and seizures?”

Man: “Don’t get medical with me!”

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(The customer has been hovering around my register for the past few minutes.)

Me: “Can I help you find something, sir?”

Customer: “Do these gift cards have expiration dates?”

Me: “Nope, they’ll last until you feel like spending them.”

Customer: “Oh. Uh, where can I find the restroom?”

(As soon as I turn around and point to the bathroom, he grabs a rack of gift cards and sprints for the door, trailing cards behind him.)

Me: *yelling after him* “Sir, those don’t have anything on them until you purchase them.”

(He stops at the door for a moment, then sheepishly returns and puts the rack back.)

Customer: “Why don’t you guys have a freaking sign out saying they’re empty?!”

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(I am a lunch lady at a high school, and one of the students there is going to be leaving for a trip to Italy soon.)

Me: “What kind of pizza would you like?”

Student: “One pepperoni, one cheese.”

Me: “So are you excited to spend two months in Italy?”

Student: “Yeah, but I’m really going to miss all the good food here at school. Especially pizza.”

Me: “But you’ll be in Italy right? So you can have pizza there.”

Student: “Yeah but it won’t be authentic pizza from America. It’ll just be cheap Italian knock-offs.”

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