I Bet His Computer Has A “Cup Holder” Too

| | Right | February 5, 2008

(This is from a few years ago, when I worked tech support for a major satellite TV company.)

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “Is your satellite down?”

Me: “No sir, the satellite is working properly.”

Customer: “Are you sure? Because I’m not getting ANYTHING on my TV.”

Me: “Well, let’s try and get this solved for you. What do you see on the screen?”

Customer: “It’s black.”

Me: “There’s nothing at all on the screen?”

Customer: “I told you, it’s completely black!”

Me: “Is…is there a message of any kind?”

Customer: “Yeah, it says ‘searching for satellite signal’. That’s how I know your satellite is down. You need to connect me to a different one.”

Me: “Well sir, just in case it’s possibly something else and not the satellite, could you tell me who installed your equipment? Did you pay for an installer or did you do it yourself?”

Customer: “I did it myself! I’m not an idiot. I took the box out of the package and connected it to my TV and DVD player and stereo just fine. I know how to connect a few wires…”

Me: “Okay, maybe there’s something blocking the dish, like a tree or perhaps a neighbors house. Where did you mount the dish?”

Customer: “Dish? The bowl thing? It’s still in the box. Look, just connect me to your other satellite already!”

Me:

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Yes, I’m 12 Feet Tall, With Horns And A Pitchfork

, | | Right | February 5, 2008

(A customer calls in 30 minutes before our store actually opens.)

Customer: “Do you have [style of shoe] in a size 11?”

Me: “Yes ma’am, we do. Would you like me to hold it for you?”

Customer: “No. I want to pay for it over the phone, and then come pick it up on my lunch break.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I can’t do that transaction over the phone.”

Customer: *yelling* “WHY NOT?! I’ll come in for it sometime between noon and two; it’s for my son, I want to be sure I can get this for his birthday.”

Me: “Like I said, I can hold it for you–”

Customer: “I heard you, but you aren’t hearing me! I want to buy it NOW.”

Me: “I can’t do that over the phone, I would have to see your ID along with your card to verify that it’s yours.”

Customer: “Can’t I just tell you my name?”

Me: “No, because anyone could read the name off the card. I have to see a photo ID.”

Customer: “Well, can’t I tell you what I look like then?”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager.”

Me: “I am the manager, ma’am.”

Customer: “You’re a terrible manager then. You are SO rude!”

Me: “Yes, you’re right.” *hangs up*

(I can’t really say I’m all that surprised she never showed up for that shoe…)

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If You Have To Ask, You’ll Never Know

, | | Right | February 4, 2008

(A lady walks into the cafe, i just happen to be standing by the counter with my coworker.)

Woman: “I’ll have *order* please”

Coworker: “Okay, that’s $1.47.”

(I make the coffee.)

Woman: *leans in and whispers to me* “Excuse me?”

Me: “Yes?”

Woman: “What exactly is an ‘Emo’?”

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Customer: Impossible, Part 2

| | Right | February 4, 2008

Woman: “My screw fell out of my glasses. Can you replace it?”

Me: “Absolutely.”

(I go in the back, replace the woman’s screw and bring it back.)

Woman: “This is all wrong.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Woman: “This screw is silver. My screw was gold!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the only screws I have are silver.”

Woman: “But my screw was gold. This thing is cheap.”

Me: “To be fair your screw wasn’t gold. It just had gold paint on it just like your frames.”

Woman: “How do you know?”

Me: “Well, I looked at the other screw.”

Woman: “I thought this frame was solid gold.”

Me: “I’m afraid not. This is a $120 dollar frame. It’s not going to be made of gold with gold screws for $120 dollars.”

Woman: “Well, can you give me a gold painted screw?”

Me: “I only have silver, ma’am.”

Woman: “Well I don’t want it.”

Me: “Would you like me to take it out and give you back your broken glasses?”

Woman: “No.”

Me: “Than I suggest you take this screw.”

Woman: “I don’t want it!”

Me: “Then I’ll take it out for you.”

Woman: “No! I need them to see.”

(I hand her back her frame, still fully repaired.)

Woman: “I DON’T WANT THAT SCREW!”

Me: “Well if you find the screw that fell out, I will be happy to put it back in for you.”

Woman: “I’ll never find it. It fell out a week ago!”

Me: *bangs head on wall*

 

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Thankfully, He’s Okay … Unfortunately, He’s Still Stupid

| | Right | February 4, 2008

Me: “911, is this an emergency?”

Caller, screaming: “I have been trying to call you on the CB radio for an hour!”

Me: “We don’t monitor CB radio, do you have an emergency?”

Caller: “Of course you have CB radio, I see the cops talking on them all of the time!”

Me: “Those are police radios; they operate on a different radio frequency band. Do you have an emergency?”

Caller: “F*** you! F***ing lazy b*****d, this lady’s house is burning to the ground while you watch Showtime and ignore the CB!”

Me: “What is your location, sir?”

Caller: “I am–”

(At this time I hear a large BANG and the phone drops. A few moments later the man picks up the phone and tells me that his truck was fully involved and that was his tires exploding. He had parked his truck at the door of the house to load belongings while he tried to call on his CB. Both the house and truck were a total loss.)

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