Envelopes Are Scary

(I work in a call center for a bank. I get asked so many stupid, asinine questions. This old guy calls in about a letter he received.)

Customer: “Yeah, you people sent me an envelope and I don’t know what for.”

Me: “Um, do you mean like a piece of mail?”

Customer: “Well, yeah, I guess.”

Me: “Okay, and what does it say?”

Customer: “I didn’t open it; I don’t know.”

Me: “Is it addressed to your name?”

Customer: “Yes. It’s a white envelope. It has the weird edges.” *talking about the envelopes with ridges that fold down to tear open*

Me: “Okay, well, I’m not sure, but you could probably just open it.”

Customer: “Oh, okay, I’ll do that next time. I threw it out.”

(He didn’t even still have the d*** thing. I can’t even.)