(I work in a Mexican restaurant; our pico de gallo salsa is the same as our “mild.”)
Lady: “I’ll have the pico de gallo and the mild.”
Me: “Oh, well, they’re the same thing.”
Lady: “…But I want both.”
Me: “O…K…” *scoops pico de gallo* “…there’s the pico, and…” *adds another scoop* “…there’s the mild.”
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Caller: “Hello, I’d like some help!”
Me: “Sure, sir, how can I help you?”
Caller: “Well, actually I don’t have an account yet. I was wondering if I could talk or send messages to my daughter. She’s in Australia and she has an internet account.”
Me: “Yes, sir, that’s possible!”
Caller: “What do I need to do that?”
Me: “You just need a computer and a modem.”
Caller: “Hey, but I just have a FAX machine and a TV! Isn’t that enough?”
Me: *controlling the urge to burst in laughter* “I’m afraid not, sir. You’ll need a computer for sure.”
Caller: “YOU KNOW WHAT? You guys don’t wanna help me! I know your types! You just want the fat, rich customers that will buy anything you demand! You know what? You’re not the only ISP in town! Goodbye!” *click*
Me: “Hi. What can I get for you?”
Customer: “Let me see.” *looks at the menu* “A sub.”
Me: “What kind of sub do you want, ma’am?”
Customer: “I want provolone cheese?”
Me: “What kind of meat would you like?”
Customer: “Excuse me?”
Me: “What kind of meat?”
Customer: *agitated* “Are you being rude?”
(She storms out and stands in front of the store for a few minutes telling people not to come in because of a rude employee.)
Customer: “I’d like a Chicken Kiev pizza, without chicken, garlic or sweetcorn. And throw some ham on there.”
Employee: “So, you want a ham pizza?”
Customer: “Yeah, why not.”
Me: “Okay, sir, so I would just need you to verify your information and sign here–”
(The patient cuts me off, snatches the clipboard, and gives me this I’m-not-stupid look.)
Patient: “Listen, I don’t need you to tell me what to do. I’m a lawyer and I know how the system works!”
(He sits down and starts looking over the paperwork. Five minutes later…)
Patient: “Ma’am, where did you need me to sign?”
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