When I’m working retail one year, our region is hit by the heaviest rainstorms on record. The entire town is saturated, and there is a real risk of a flood. The store doesn’t open for another half an hour, but we’ve decided to leave the doors unlocked in case we need to make a hasty exit. The lights are all off, and no staff can be seen on the shop floor.

As we’re all discussing with the managers whether we want to close early today, a customer walks in and starts shouting into the void.

Customer: “Helloooo! Anybody! Where are you all?! I require assistance! Helloooo!”

I run over to the customer.

Me: “We don’t open until 8:00 am.”

Customer: “If the doors are unlocked, that means you should be open.”

Me: “We need to unlock the doors to allow our employees to evacuate in case there’s a flood.”

Customer: “They can evacuate after they’ve sold me my tanning lotion!” 

Related:
Because Retail Workers Aren’t Human, Part 4
Because Retail Workers Aren’t Human, Part 3
Because Retail Workers Aren’t Human, Part 2
Because Retail Workers Aren’t Human

I am the manager on duty at the bar/restaurant one super busy night. We have two separate bars: one at the very entrance to the building and one at the back. I am floating between both bars to make sure all my other bartenders are doing okay.

I go to check on the back bar, and I notice that the tap handle for one of the draught beers is missing. At first, I think one of my coworkers is screwing with me since we all do silly s*** to each other frequently.

Me: “Yo, [Coworker], where is the [Beer Brand] handle?”

Coworker: “Oh, it’s gone? It wasn’t me!”

Me: “[Barback], you f****** with us again?”

Barback: “I swear, it’s not me!”

I even check with the kitchen staff, and no one has the handle. When I come back to the bar, I see some random dude reaching across my bar, attempting to unscrew a different tap handle!

Me: “You! What the f*** do you think you’re doing?!”

They all start laughing and his friends start chanting, “Busted!”

Me: “You’re all going to leave unless I get my tap handle back.”

Handle Stealer: “Anyone can reach them; it could have been anyone in this bar!”

Me: “That’s funny. I’ve been here for years, and no one else has been stupid enough to try that and think it’s okay.”

They all got kicked out because of him, and our beer rep got us a new handle within a couple of days. I sent the camera footage of the guy and all of his friends to every bar in the area (we bartenders like to keep local town networks) and made sure they couldn’t go out for a drink anywhere in town for a long while.

This is a story that has often been told to me by my parents, as I was way too young at the time to remember.

Many years ago, in my single-digit years sometime during the 1990s (i.e. pre-9/11 era), my parents were taking me to a certain magical theme park on the east coast of the US. It was probably even my first trip, so of course, I was excited. With said center of magic being in Florida and us living in New York, this also meant my first plane ride. So, of course, we made our way to the airport, got through everything, got on the plane, and waited for it to take off.

And waited. And waited. And waited, as it was massively delayed for one reason or another. Of course, a plane going to Orlando would be filled with lots of nervous, excitable children, so some of the stewardesses walked around and offered to take the young children up front to take a look at the cockpit.

Of course, when they offered to take me up, my parents allowed the stewardess to take me forward and see all the fancy equipment and pilots and everything at the front. They sat in their seats, surely imagining that I was having a good time… when, suddenly, they felt the plane LURCH forward. It wasn’t taking off — just a sudden lurch out of nowhere.

Shortly after, the stewardess who had taken me up brought me back to my parents, and I got back into my seat. Curious, my mother asked just what had caused that strange lurch in the plane.

Stewardess: “Your son pulled the emergency brake.”

I was leading a meeting in which we were making some technical decisions about our product design. One guy on the team, the technical expert, was very much the prima donna. He really did have unique skills and information that were incredibly valuable to the program, but he was a complete arrogant jerk. Someone in the meeting said something [Expert] disagreed with, and he started yelling, cursing, pounding his fists, and stomping his feet. Everyone was staring at him like he was insane.

I waited silently until he wound down.

Me: *Calmly* “You know, [Expert], when my two-year-old yells, stomps his feet, and pounds his fists, I give him a snack and send him to his room until he calms down. I’m going to suggest now that we end this meeting, get some coffee and cookies from the break room, and go back to our offices, and I’ll reschedule this when we’re all ready to resume. Okay?”

There was a moment of stunned silence as everyone realized that I’d just called our technical expert a temperamental toddler. Then, [Expert] turned so red I thought he was going to explode at me, but three other people stood up and said, “Yes, that’s a great idea,” and physically interposed themselves between [Expert] and me while others basically escorted him out.

He never spoke to me again after that, but not long thereafter, we hired another expert in the same field and he was soon made redundant.

A customer is checking out but is going very slowly because she absolutely refuses to slow down her conversation on her phone as she goes. What makes it worse is that she has her phone on loudspeaker, and she’s just holding the phone about a foot in front of her so that everyone can hear the conversation.

This is annoying me and the other customers in line, so I get the idea that if she’s going to include all of us in her conversation, we can also contribute.

Me: “She should leave him. He’s probably cheating.”

Customer: “Uh… what?”

The next customer in line sees what I have started and chimes in.

Next Customer: “Is he a Sagittarius? They are the worst.”

Me: “He could be. I heard this year is their angstiest year.”

Customer: “Uh… Excuse me, do you mind?!”

Me: “Yes, I do mind, but you’re doing it anyway, so I’m just throwing my two cents in.”

Next Customer: “Does your friend on the other line know that all of lane six knows her boyfriend gave her an STI?” *Shouts in the direction of the phone* “Stay strong, Sharon! The pus will stop eventually!”

Customer: *Running away, leaving her shopping behind* “Oh, my God, you’re all freaks!”

Worth it.