(I’m a female. I’ve recently shaved my head for charity.)

Customer’s Son: “Mum, there’s a boy-lady!”

Customer: *distracted* “Is there darling?”

Customer’s Son: “Yes, at the counter.”

(The mother glares at me.)

Customer: “I see.”

Customer’s Son: “Can I be a boy-lady?”

Customer: “No. No you cannot.”

(They finish what they’re doing and as they’re leaving the mother calls me over.)

Customer: “I don’t care what you do at home, but if you want to pass for female in public, buy a d*** wig. You’re corrupting the kids!”

Me: “Hi, Welcome to the post office. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I have a problem, I deleted all the messages on my house phone, how do I get them back?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Well I only wanted to delete one message on my phone, but they all got erased, can you help me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t quite understand the problem. You know you have called the postal service, yes?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Well unfortunately I can’t assist you. You may need to ring the manufacturer of the phone and see how to get your messages back.”

Customer: “But it’s voice-mail! Mail! Why can’t you help me?!”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Gas Station]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Do you shoot guns?”

Me: “Uh… what?”

Customer: “Well, I know your gas station hires some athletic young men and I was wondering if you knew anything about guns?”

Me: “Actually, I do know a decent amount about guns and shooting.”

Customer: “If you threw a gun in the air and shot it with another gun, would it explode?”

Me: “Wait, what? Why?”

Customer: “Oh, well in the book I’m writing the sheriff is fighting the robber on the balcony of the theatre, and the robber’s gun flies into the air and the sheriff shoots it. Would it explode or hurt anyone?”

Me: “Well, it probably wouldn’t explode, but it would probably discharge either when struck by the bullet or when it hits the ground.”

Customer: “Would it hit someone?”

Me: “You’re the author, ma’am.”

Customer:  “Oh, thank you very much!  I’ll send you a copy when it’s published!”

(It’s late at night, right before closing, when the phone rings.)

Me: “Hello, this is [Auto-Parts Store], can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I bought a car stereo from you all a few month ago, and I didn’t really like it so I gave it to my son.”

Me: “OK.”

Caller: “Well, he didn’t like it either, so he gave it to our neighbors across the street.”

Me: “OK.”

Caller: “Well, they put it in their car and right now it’s sitting in their driveway with the doors open and they’re playing their music really loud!”

Me: “Yes…. well what do you want me to do?”

Caller: “I need you to come over here and tell them to turn it down!”

Me: *wrapping up the call* “Thank’s very much Hugh! Was
there anything else?”

Caller: “And what was your name? Oh Emma, right.”

Me: “My name is Uma.”

Caller: “Yuma?”

Me: “Like Uma Thurman.”

Caller: “Oh, like the actress? Are you as pretty as she is? Do you look like her?”

Me: “No. Do you look like Hugh Grant? Or Hugh Jackman?”

Caller: “Try Hugh Hefner.”

Me: “You’re not from around here are you?”

Customer: “Nope, I’m from Canada.”

Me: “Oh cool! Do you speak French?”

Customer: “Yup, I’m bilingual.”

Other Customer In Line: “Down here, if something’s bi, we shoot it.”

Guest: “How much for one of your hotel rooms?”

Me: *gives price*

Guest: “How about if I only pay [another price]?”

Me: “Sorry sir, I can’t do that. We’re almost sold out and I can’t reduce room rates when we’re almost sold out.”

Guest: “Do you really think you’re going to sell this room anytime tonight?”

Me: “Yes, I will. I’m the only hotel in the area with rooms left and other hotels are sending their overflow guests to me. I’ll sell this room in the next half hour.”

Guest: “Oh come on!”

Me: “Plus there’s a concert tonight and I’m getting a lot of concert go’ers coming in to get a room.”

Guest: “But the concert is over! I just came from the concert myself!”

Me: “And here you are!”

(I am an election inspector for the 2010 Primary Election.)

Customer: “Why isn’t there a Tea Party choice on the ballot? I don’t want to vote Democrat or Republican!”

Me: “Ma’am, only the Democratic and Republican parties are having a primary.  You can’t vote for the Tea Party. You can choose not to vote the partisan section of the ballot, if you wish.”

Customer: “Well, how about if I just draw a big teapot on the ballot?”

(The store is very popular around Christmas time. We have a general rule not to do price adjustments, particularly on Christmas gifts as they were always marked down after the holidays. A customer hands me receipt; he has no bags with him.)

Customer: “I’d like to do a price adjustment for these gifts.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we don’t do price adjustments.”

Customer: “Well, then I’ll return them and buy them back on sale. So give me back the money for them.”

Me: “I can’t give you back money for products that you don’t give back to me.”

Customer: “I’m just going to buy them back for the sale price right away anyways, so just give me the money back!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but without the products I can’t give you any money back or do a price adjustment. If you bring in the products I will gladly return and re-sell them to you.”

Customer: “I’ve already given them away! They were Christmas gifts for my family, you idiot!”

Me: “Can you let your family know that you want to take their gifts back so that you can get some money back from them?”

Customer: “What do I look like to you, some kind of cheapskate?!”

Me: “Sir, can I help you?”

Customer: “I need a cable.”

Me: “Ok. I’ll take you to our cables, what kind of cable do you need?”

Customer: “Uhm…. a cable. USB? I need to hook up a computer.”

Me: “Here are our USB cables, but could you be a little more specific?”

Customer: *getting angry* “These are not what I need at all! I need a cable! Are you deaf? I need a  C-A-B-L-E. I need one for my computer.”

Me: “Sir, there are a lot of cables, if you could tell me what kind of thing you were trying to hook up?”

Customer: “Is there anyone else on the floor that can help me!? Maybe one of the computer guys? You’re obviously too stupid to understand.”

Me: “Sir, I am the only one on the floor at the moment and I am trying my best to help you find your cable.”

Customer: “Miss, why don’t you go back to the registers where you belong and bring me a computer guy?”

Me: “Sir, I am the tech person and would be happy to help you find your cable. Could you show me an example of what you mean?”

(The customer, extremely agitated, goes to a display computer.)

Customer: This is what I wanted! A cable!”

Me: “You mean a keyboard?”

Customer: “Um…yes.” *sheepishly leaves the store*