(I’m at the computer putting an order in when I notice a guest at a table adjacent to me behaving oddly.)

Customer: *cranes his head around frantically*

Me: “Excuse me, sir, is there anything I can do for you? I noticed you looking around—”

Customer: “Oh! Sorry. We were just playing ‘I Spy.’”

Related:
For Some, Childhood Never Ends, Part 3
For Some, Childhood Never Ends, Part 2
For Some, Childhood Never Ends

(The waitress is trying to take our orders when a customer from the next table rudely interrupts.)

Customer: *interrupting* “Is the fish suitable for vegetarians?”

Waitress: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “The fish. Is it suitable for vegetarians?”

Waitress: *very politely* “No, it’s meat.”

Customer: “But it doesn’t say that there’s any meat. It says fish and chips and peas.”

Waitress: “The fish is meat.”

Customer: “No, it’s not. Only mammals have meat, like cows and chickens.”

Me: “Chickens aren’t mammals.”

Customer: “Of course they are; they have meat! Honestly, don’t you know how rude it is to interrupt somebody else’s conversation?!”

(A customer orders an iced coffee. I get it for her. She has a puzzled and dismayed look on her face.)

Me: “Is there a problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “This…wasn’t what I was expecting.”

Me: “Well, what were you expecting?”

Customer: “I don’t know, but this wasn’t it.”

(I’m seven months pregnant and am working the checkout.)

Customer: “Oh, you’re pregnant! It’s a girl, isn’t it?”

Me: “Yes, she is.”

Customer: “I could tell. Girls take all the beauty away from their mothers.”

Me: “Welcome to [restaurant)]. My name is—”

Customer: *rudely* “Can we go ahead and order? I am starving.”

Me: “Go right ahead, sir.”

Customer: “I’ll have the never-ending pancake sampler, but make it all bacon and add an extra egg over easy.”

(He finishes his order, but continues to stare at me the entire time, until his food arrives. Note that his order comes with 3 eggs, 6 strips of bacon, hash browns and 3 pancakes. He asks me to bring out more pancakes twice, bringing his total to 8.)

Me: *dropping off the check* “Is there anything else I can get for you today?”

Customer: “No, that was great. I’m sorry I was so rude earlier; I was just starving. I just got out of the hospital for a heart attack. They don’t let you eat anything in there!”

Customer: “Hi, I would like to return this game.”

Me: “Of course. Do you have your receipt with you?”

Customer: “Yes, here it is.”

(We sell game protection for all video games in case the customer breaks or scratches their game. It can be purchased for both new and pre-owned games.)

Me: “I see this game was purchased new and you haven’t purchased our game protection, so unfortunately, I cannot give you a refund. What exactly is wrong with it?”

Customer: “It’s too hard.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “It’s too difficult!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I really cannot give you a refund just because it’s too difficult to play. Have you tried searching for a walkthrough guide on the internet?”

Customer: “Isn’t that cheating?”

Me: “Well, yes but—”

Customer: “Never mind.” *leaves*

(I’m a customer, and overhear an elderly gentleman and the hairdresser who is cutting his hair. The gentleman’s wife is present, too.)

Hairdresser: “Do you want me to take off any more on the top of your head?”

Customer: “Yes, yes, go ahead!”

Hairdresser: “All right, but if I cut it any shorter, the hair up there will be standing on end.”

Customer’s wife: “Well, at least something will still be standing erect, then.”

(I work at a university; note that it is generally considered very academically competitive.)

Student: “I think there’s a hold on my account.”

Me: “Yes, health services put a registration hold on your account because they don’t have your immunization—”

Student: “Wait, that’s a big word! I don’t know what that means!”