(We currently have a 50% sale on our store water bottles. It is late in the day, and we have sold out. I am currently organizing the shelves with jars of pickles.)

Customer: “Hi, I would like to know where the cases of your store water bottles are. I can’t seem to find them anywhere.”

Me: “I am really sorry, but because of the sale we have unfortunately sold out of the water bottles. We should be getting more in tomorrow when the delivery truck comes in.”

Customer: “What!? How can you be out of water! I want the water!”

Me: “I am really sorry. Today is the last day of the sale, so many people came in to get them. You can go to customer service, and they will issue you a rain check. You can come back tomorrow and still get the sale.”

Customer: “No! I don’t want a rain check! I want my d*** water now! I know you have them in the back stock somewhere! Stop being a lazy a**, and get me some water!”

Me: “Ma’am, I really am very sorry. We are completely out of water at the moment. If you came in a little earlier, we may have had some. It is almost the end of the day, and our other customers wanted to get the sale. The most we can do for you now is issue a rain check. You will just have to come back tomorrow. If you like, I can have a few cases held at the customer service desk for. They will be ready for you tomorrow.”

Customer: “This is absolutely ridiculous! I want my d*** water now! Not tomorrow! NOW!”

(Just as my manager is about to approach us after hearing the yelling, the customer takes her arm across the pickle shelf, and smashes about 12 jars of pickles to the ground. I am completely shocked and dumbfounded.)

Customer: “There! That’s what you get for being a lazy a**, and not getting me my d*** water! I want my d*** water!”

Manager: “Ma’am! There is absolutely no reason for you to damage our merchandise and put my employee’s safety at risk. You could have seriously cut someone with all of this glass!”

Customer: “Well maybe if your lazy a** employees would do their jobs I wouldn’t have had to do that!”

Manager: “Like my employee nicely told you, we are out of the water bottles. We are getting a shipment tomorrow. She was even willing to go out of her way to make sure to keep a case for you aside when we got them in. But, since you decided to take things into your own hands, you are no longer welcome in this store.”

Customer: “I am the customer! You can’t do that! Give me my water!”

Manager: “Well too bad; I just did!”

(My manager calls security, and threatens to call the police if the customer doesn’t pay for all of the pickles. My manager then has her banned from the store without her water. I smelled like pickles for the rest of the night!)

(I work as a cashier in a charity store. All of our merchandise is donated, so we have no idea what items we will have for sale until they are in the store.)

Customer: “Do you have a blender?”

Me: “No, unfortunately we do not have any right now.”

Customer: “Okay, do you know when you will have some?”

Me: “You know all of our merchandise is donated right?”

Customer: “Yes, so when will have a have some blenders?”

Me: “Well, I suppose that would be when someone within the community realizes they have a blender they don’t need, and brings it to us.”

Customer: “Okay, so when will that be?”

Me: “May I offer you a basket of bread?”

Customer: “Yeah, do you think I can have a basket of just the rolls?”

Me: “Absolutely! I’ll be right back—”

Customer: “You know I bet 99.9% of people who walk in here only want the rolls. Am I right? Why do you even bother carrying the other bread?”

Me: “Well, sir, actually a lot of people like the other bread. Some people even request baskets with no rolls!”

(The customer is all of a sudden very worked up.)

Customer: “Well, I bet those people are people who voted for Obama!”

Me: “I really wouldn’t know, sir.”

Customer: “Well you could probably just tell by looking at them!”

Me: “Sir, I really have no idea what people’s political leanings are based on their bread preferences.”

Customer: “Whatever…”

(I work in the computing department. We’re pushed to always get protection plans. I have sold a customer a laptop.)

Me: “Well, just so you know, we do offer [protection plan]. If anything bad happens to the laptop—”

Customer: “What? What do you mean by something bad?

Me: “Unfortunately, bad things can happen to computers. There are hundreds of computers in the back that have been destroyed in many different ways. If you get a protection plan, you can get the computer replaced if something bad happens to it on accident.”

Customer: “What are you talking about? Why are you wishing bad luck on me?”

Me: “Sir, I wasn’t wishing bad luck on you. I was just offering you an avenue to make sure your investment is protected.”

Customer: “You shouldn’t be threatening me with bad luck! You should wish me good luck. This is bad; this is very bad right here.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’m not trying to wish you bad luck; I’m just recommending something that many of our customers—”

Customer: “No, no! This is very bad. You’re wishing bad things to happen to me. I tell you what; I am going to go home, and pray to God that he does bad things to you!”

(I am working a shift on my birthday. An elderly customer that I recognize comes in without any items to have altered; I assume she is picking up an order.)

Me: “Good afternoon Mrs. [name]! What can I do for you today?”

Customer: “I just wanted to come in to tell you what a lovely job you did on my pants last week, and to give you this!”

(She ‘ninjas’ a bag out of her purse, and places it on my counter. It is a little bag of gourmet chocolate squares!)

Me: “For me? Really?”

Customer: “Yes! You were so nice to me, and I thought it would be nice to give you a treat!”

Me: “Well, that was really nice of you! Wow! These are even all the flavors I like! It is my birthday today, so thank you for the present!”

Customer: “It is? It is my birthday today, too! How about that! Happy birthday!”

Me: “Happy birthday to you, too!”

Customer: “Well, goodbye! I will see you again sometime!”

Me: “Have a great afternoon, and I hope so! Bye!”