Those Very Rare Self-Aware

| WI, USA | Awesome Customers

(I’m acting as greeter at a small, fairly-well off restaurant, when a thunderstorm rolls in, knocking out the power and taking our computer system with it. The power comes back in a half an hour or so, but our computer system is still down, meaning that we can’t bring up our reservation list. Due to this, we just do our best to seat those people who have been waiting, and let those coming in know about the issues we are having.)

Female Customer: “Hello, we have a reservation for two under [Name].”

Me: “All right. Unfortunately, the storm knocked out our power, so our computers are down and we don’t have our reservation list. However, we should have a table opening up for you in about five to ten minutes.”

Female Customer: “Five to ten minutes! We had a reservation. We slogged our way through this downpour, and now you’re telling me that…” *trails off, then steps back and looks at her husband* “Honey, I am very sorry, but I must go kill myself. I’ve become what I hate.”

Male Customer: *nods slowly* “Yes, I noticed, but I wasn’t sure how to break it to you.”

(They actually turned and left!)

He Keeps Coming Back And Back And Back To The Future

| PA, USA | Crazy Requests, Movies & TV, Transportation

Caller: “Yeah, hi, I have a 1995 Olds Cutlass. I was wondering if you could tell me the price and availability on a new flux capacitor?”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, did you say “flux capacitor”?”

Caller: “Yes, that’s right, for a ’95 Olds Cutlass.”

(If you don’t already know, the flux capacitor is a made up ‘part’ from the ‘Back to the Future’ movies, the component that “makes time travel possible”)

Me: *obviously thinking I’m being messed with* “Haha, seriously, what can I do for you?”

Caller: “I said I need a flux capacitor. My car is running like crap. My buddy is a mechanic and told me I needed a new one.”

(We get a lot more prank calls in auto parts stores than most people realize. Very rarely do we get something original; it’s always the same thing, and to make matters worse, these people are very dedicated to trying to make us look or feel stupid.)

Me: *at this point I can tell this guy is determined to break me* “I’m sorry sir, but your friend is obviously mistaken, as the flux capacitor does not exist. It was made up for a movie, so unless your car is an ’85 Delorean, capable of time travel, you do not need a flux capacitor.”

Caller: “Listen, my buddy has been working on cars his entire life, and if he says that’s what I need, then that’s what I need. I’ve told you twice my car is a ’95 Cutlass.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it sounds like your friend is trying to pull one over on you, as I’ve already explained, the part you are looking for does not exist. You may want to call him and ask what is really wrong with your car, or take it to a reliable mechanic that can properly diagnose your problem.”

Caller: “Oh, I’m gonna call him, and you’re not gonna be happy when I have HIM call you to get this part!” *click*

(About 20 minutes later, one of my coworkers answers the phone, I hear him say, “Yeah he’s here; I’ll get him for you,” and hands me the phone.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I called you earlier about the ’95 Olds Cutlass. Well, I talked to my buddy again. He said he’s been doing this stuff longer than you’ve been alive and that if you know what’s good for you, you will stop wasting my time and his and look me up a d*** flux capacitor!”

Me: “You know what? You’re right. After our last conversation, I jumped into my Delorean, went back and got the cataloging department to fix there mistake and put it in the computer. Now when I look it shows that I have on in stock for $299.99!”

Caller: “Funny how your story has changed after I called my buddy again. But that price is outrageous; I can get it cheaper down the street.” *click*

(Two hours go by without hearing from him again, until he walks in the store.)

Customer: “Are you the guy I talked to about the flux capacitor for my ’95 Cutlass?”

Me: “Yep, that was me.”

Customer: “Well apparently, you’re the only place in town that has one, so I’ll be needing that now.”

Me: *blink*

Customer: “Well, are you gonna get it or not?”

Me: “You’re obviously very dedicated to this joke, but if you wouldn’t mind I really have a lot to do today and don’t have the time to stand here humoring you on this.”

Customer: “What the h*** are you talking about? Give me my d*** part and I’ll be on my way; you’re the one wasting MY time!”

Me: “Sir, as I explained to you over the phone, the flux capacitor was a made up part, for a series of time travel movies. This is the component of the time machine that makes time travel possible. It does not exist in the real world; it is not a part on your car or any other car. One of two things is happening here: either you have nothing better to do with your time other than making my day difficult by insisting on continuing on with this less than original prank, or your buddy is messing with you, wasting your time and mine, and trying to make you look like a fool. If that’s the case, I can’t help you other than suggesting you find a new friend.”

Customer: *becoming enraged* “I f***ing called you and you told me you had it in stock. Now you’re gonna stand there and tell me that not only do you not have one, but you’re going to try telling me that it doesn’t exist and accuse my friend of lying to me?! I’m calling your company to file a complaint! You haven’t heard the last from me! I’ll be back with my buddy and you’ll be sorry!”

(10 minutes later…)

Customer: *walks back in the store* “Listen I talked to him again, and he says if you don’t sell me my flux capacitor, he’s going to come down here and physically make you get it off the shelf. He wasn’t too happy when I told him what you said about him!”

(At this point I finally realize that he is not messing around; his friend did in fact tell him that he needed a flux capacitor, and he truly believed it.)

Me: *handing him my cell phone with a Back to the Future Wikipedia page loaded up* “Sir, before we continue this conversation, could I please ask you to read this?”

Customer: *reads a few minutes, then hands me my phone* “I have to make a phone call…

(He walks out of the store and pulls out his cell phone. At this point all four of the people I’m working with come out of their hiding places laughing in astonishment of what’s going on unable to believe how well I’m keeping my composure. We watch him outside pacing and yelling into his phone for about five minutes, before he re-enters the store.)

Customer: “Yeah… can I please have an ignition module for a ’95 Olds Cutlass?”

They Will Be So Low When They See What Happens Next

| CT, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Underaged

(I’m checking IDs. A group of about five boys approach me.)

Me: “IDs, guys?”

(Customer #1 hands me his credit card instead of his ID.)

Me: “…This isn’t an ID.”

Customer #1: “Oh, right, sorry.” *he turns to his friends* “S***, bro, I’m sooooo high right now.”

Mugged Of Coffee Common Sense

| Adelaide, SA, Australia | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Funny Names

Me: “Good morning, sir, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “A mugachino, thanks.”

(I ring it up as a large cappuccino as we’ve figured out that’s what most customers who order a ‘mugachino’ want. After a few minutes I take the coffee to him.)

Me: “Here you go, one large cappuccino.”

Customer: “I didn’t order a cupachino! I ordered a mugachino! Where is my coffee?!”

Me: “A mugachino refers to a cappuccino in the largest cup available, sir… That is a large cappuccino.”

Customer: “I want a mugachino. Now go get me my d*** coffee!”

Me: “Of course, sir, sorry about the mix up. I’ll get that right away.”

(I walk around the corner to the coffee machine, sprinkle a bit more chocolate on top to make it look different and return with the same coffee.)

Me: “Here you go, sir. One mugachino. I must have mixed your order up with another customer.”

Customer: “About time… How hard was that? Gosh, I am never coming back here!”

Getting Loony Over A Loonie

| Niagara Falls, NY, USA | Geography, Money

(The border crossing tolls between Canada and the US are $0.75 US; or $1.00 Canadian, which is a pretty fair exchange rate at the time.)

Toll Booth Operator: “Toll, please.”

Driver: *hands over a loonie — a Canadian $1 coin*

Toll Booth Operator: “Thank you; have a nice visit!”

Driver: *just sits there*

Toll Booth Operator: “Did you need something else? Customs is on the other side.”

Driver: “No, I’m waiting for my change.”

Toll Booth Operator: “You’re not due any change; you gave me a loonie.”

Driver: “Yes, but I’m American!”

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