(Our store has an aisle with toys as well as celebration stuff for birthdays, including candles for birthday cakes. I am filling up this aisle when a lady in her late 50′s comes up to me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you carry candles that are numbers?”

Me: “Yes, let me show you.”

(I show her the candles we have, from 0 to 9.)

Customer: “Oh, they don’t carry 55. My husband is going to be 55.”

(I think she’s joking, and laugh a little.)

Me: “Well, you can just buy two 5′s, and that’ll make 55.”

Customer: *disgusted* “I don’t know why they hired you!” *leaves without buying anything*

(Note: this takes place before either of these films are available on DVD or Blu-ray.)

Customer: “I’d like a copy of Transformers 3 and Hangover 2.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but those films are still in the theaters and won’t be out in stores until after the summer.”

Customer: “No, I just saw them for sale at the flea market.”

Me: “Those would be bootleg copies. They’re not very good quality.”

Customer: “That’s fine. Just give me those.”

Me: “We don’t sell bootlegs here.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous. You should sell whatever the customer wants!”

Me: “Bootlegs are illegal and we can’t carry them.”

Customer: “That isn’t very good service! I’m going to speak to your manager.”

Me: “That’s fine; you can ask for him at the service desk.”

Customer: “I hope he fires you for being incompetent.”

Me: “Well, thank you for shopping at [store] and have a nice day.”

Customer: “Jacka**!”

(Our location has two entrances, one of which is closed because of unsafe conditions on the adjacent sidewalk due to a recent snowstorm. A woman approaches me as I’m shelving books.)

Patron: “Hi. You look like who I need to complain to.”

Me: “Okay. What seems to be the problem?”

Patron: “These conditions are unacceptable. I had to walk another block just to get in here. All because you and your employees are too lazy to pick up a shovel and clear that sidewalk.”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t have the say as to whether that sidewalk is open or not. The city made that decision yesterday for safety reasons.”

Patron: “I should have known when I saw you that you weren’t going to help me. You have that kind of face.”

Me: *speechless*

(At this point, another patrons steps in at my defense.)

Another Patron: “Excuse me, miss, I hope that you’re not referring to the sidewalk on [street]. My name is [name]. I’m a civil engineer for the city and I can assure that, given the water main rupture and the three feet of frozen ice/slush, it’s going to take an extensive amount of labor to clear and fix that sidewalk. Furthermore, I find it incredibly insensitive that you would complain about this inconvenience to you when, just the other day, a poor boy slipped and fell and broke both legs on that very sidewalk.”

Patron: *dumbfounded* “Well, I didn’t…” *walks away*

Me: “Okay, sir, and the bill-to address?”

Customer: “237 Ooh-sah Highway.”

Me: “Would you mind spelling the highway name for me?”

Customer: “It sounds exactly like it’s spelled.”

Me: “O-O-H-S-A?”

Customer: “What? No! Ooh-sah.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Would you mind spelling it for me?”

Customer: “God. Fine. U-S-A. Ooo-sah!”

Me: “Do you mean US Highway [number]?”

Customer: “I know what road I live on! Ooh-sah!”

(A student comes in to the Registrar’s office to pick up a transcript. After discovering that she never placed an order, I tell her to place the order so that it will be ready in the afternoon. After checking the system over the course of several hours and not seeing the order, I call the student.)

Me: “Yes, I see you still have not placed your order.”

Student: “I placed it hours ago!”

Me: “Uh oh, I hope something is not wrong with our system. Did you get confirmation that the order went through?”

Student: “Yes! I still have it up right here on my screen. It says right here: ‘Transaction Failed’!”

(I’m standing behind the counter at the postal outlet. We have a stand in front of the counter with a sign that shows our hours in military time. I notice a customer staring at the sign for a very long time.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “What is ’20:00′?”

Me: “20:00 means 8 pm.”

Customer: “Oh. You should put the times in English.”

Me: “Hi! What can I get for you?”

Customer: “Well, I have two coupons here. One is a large pizza, four sodas, and 70 tokens for $29.99. The other is for a large pizza, four sodas, wings, and 110 tokens for $29.99. Which one is better?”

Me: “Well, I’d personally go with the second one. It’s the same price, plus you get an extra order of wings and 40 more tokens.”

Customer: “You’re just trying to get more money off of me, so you picked the worse deal. I’ll take the first coupon, idiot!”

(I work at a shake/smoothie shop that specializes in healthy shakes with organic ingredients blended before the customer’s eyes. A woman who looks to be in her late 30s walks in and looks at the menu a while.)

Customer: “What ingredients can you put in a shake?

Me: “Well, we can include ground flax seed, hemp, wheat germ—”

Customer: “What? You put germs in your shakes?!”

Me: “No, ma’am, I said wheat germ—”

Customer: “I heard what you said! You said germs! I can’t believe you put germs in your shakes! Wait until I tell everyone how filthy you are!” *storms out*