Will Need To Waive The Wave Excuse

| Spokane, WA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Rude & Risque

(I am a security officer at a medical insurance facility. The street we are located on isn’t exactly reputable, and we get a lot of trouble from ‘ladies of the evening’ attempting to solicit our clients or even our associates. While on patrol, I notice one of our repeat offenders very blatantly trying to flag down traffic.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but if you’re not here as a client, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Lady: “No, it’s fine; I’m not even doing anything.” *continues to wave*

Me: “Ma’am, this is a private campus. You can’t—”

Lady: “No, really, it’s fine.”

Me: “Ma’am, if you don’t leave, I’ll have to call the police on you for trespassing—”

Lady: *now getting rather heated* “I’m not doing anything wrong!”

Me: “Then what are you doing here, trying to wave down traffic?”

Lady: *without hesitation* “I’m not waving down traffic. I’m waving at the wind!”

(There is a long pause as the woman apparently processed how stupid this sounded. She then smiled, and quickly walked away. To this day I’m still not sure this was spur of the moment, or worse, a rehearsed excuse.)

Not Mature About Manure

| Canada | Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

(I work in a store that sells gardening supplies and fertilizer. A customer calls our store.)

Me: “Hello! [Store], how may I help you today?”

Customer: “This may sound odd, but do you do… special orders?”

Me: “Yes, sir, what are you looking for exactly?”

Customer: “You see, my neighbour’s f******g kid decided to take a dump on my lawn as a prank, so I was wondering, do you… happen to make fertilizer out of human waste?”

(Thinking it was a prank, I decided to end the call.)

Me: “…No, sir. Have a good day.”

(30 seconds later, he calls back.)

Me: “Hello! [Store], how may I assist you today?”

Customer: “Hey, remember me? I wasn’t kidding about that thing.”

Me: “I am so sorry—”

Customer: “Listen, you b***! I need sweet revenge on this kid! He has been bothering me FOR MONTHS! Just make that s*** fertilizer and send it to his door for a ‘nice’ surprise. I need a good laugh.”

Me: “Sir, I do not appreciate you using a vulgar term, and NO, we will not even consider your request! Stop being an a** and don’t call back again!”

On Your Break

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Trying To Discount The Employees

| Regina, SK, Canada | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Money

(A customer walks in with what I assume is his lady friend and buys a shirt for 10 bucks plus tax.)

Customer: “Hey, man. I like this shirt. It’s awesome.”

Me: “We usually have some good looking stuff for a pretty good price.”

Customer: “Yeah, so, do you guys have employee discounts?”

Me: “Yeah. Why? Did you want to apply here?”

Customer: “No. I was just hoping you could hook me up.”

Lady Friend: *slaps his shoulder* “Steve!”

Customer: “What?!” *notices my look of disbelief* “Obviously he can’t because the shirt is only 10 bucks!”

(I rang him through and sent him on his way. 1. If I did that, I’d get fired. 2. Are you that hard up for cash to ask for a discount on a 10 dollar shirt?)

I Can Put On My Own Pants And Everything

| Buffalo, NY, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Underaged

(A customer comes in to buy a pack of cigarettes. He looks under-age.)

Me: “Can I see some ID please?”

Customer: “I don’t have to show ID. C’mon, I’m wearing snowpants!”

(Ironically enough there was a young boy about four-years-old standing in line behind him wearing… snowpants.)

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