(An older professor calls for help with his campus webmail. He is trying to open an email by checking the box. I show him how to click the subject instead. Lo and behold, the email opens.)

Professor: “Well, that worked. But that’s extremely poor design, you know. How was I supposed to know to click the words?”

Me: “Well, I’m glad we could help you figure it out.”

Professor: “This is ridiculous. Not a single other email works like that! This is the only one I’ve ever seen where you have to click the words, not the checkbox.”

Me: “Actually sir, that’s standard design for webmail. But now that you’re able to open your email—”

Professor: “I use [email provider] at home and it doesn’t work like this! How come yours is different from [email provider]?”

Me: “I’m not familiar with [email provider]‘s webmail, so I’m afraid I can’t answer your question.”

Professor: “You’re trying to tell me that EVERY other email is just like yours, and I’m telling you it’s NOT TRUE.”

Me: “I’m sorry that I can’t explain the differences between our webmail and [email provider]‘s. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Professor: “Yes, you can GO DIE!”

(He hangs up on me, and my boss, who overheard the conversation, is livid. She contacts the professor’s department chair to report him for harassing me, and the chair sent back his deepest apologies and assured us he would reprimand the professor. Justice!)

Related:
Ph.Duh, Part 2
Ph.Duh

(I am walking a customer out to her car so I can help her load the mulch she has purchased. She tries unsuccessfully to use her key fob to open the trunk.)

Customer: “It’s not working! Oh my god, what am I going to do? I can’t get into my car!” *starts tearing up*

Me: “Ma’am, it’s okay! Just use the key to open the door.”

Customer: “It won’t open the door! It only starts the car. What are you, stupid?”

(We go through this a couple more times before she caves in.)

Customer: “Fine, I’ll try it your way!”

(As expected, the door opens with key.)

Customer: *condescending* “Well, how am I supposed to know that the key opens the door?!”

(At my store we sell Saxx, a type of men’s boxer briefs that contains a “holder” for added support and comfort for men. These sell for around $25- $30. A customer is buying 2 pairs.)

Me: “So, the Saxx will be final sale because they are an undergarment. Your total is [total].”

Customer: “But why are they final sale? What if I decide I don’t like them?”

Me: “Well, typically people don’t want to purchase products that have already been worn, especially underwear.”

Customer: “But these are men’s underwear!”

Me: “That doesn’t make a difference. For hygienic reasons, we can’t resell these. So, they’re a final sale.”

Customer: “Fine! But I don’t see what the problem is. Men don’t care about that; only women do!”

(An elderly couple enters the store and starts checking out our collection of animals.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Man: “Yes, we would like a pet…maybe a cat, or a dog…”

Woman: “…or a rabbit, or a turtle.”

Man: “Yes. One of those…”

Woman: “…or all of them.”

Man: “Oh yeah, that’s possible too…”

Woman: “…and a hamster. Don’t forget the hamster!”

Man: “And a few birds…”

Woman: “…or cake. I’d like cake…”

Man: “…with a cup of coffee. ”

Woman: “Yeah. That’s across the street. I see!”

Man: *to me* “Okay, thank you sir. goodbye!”

Me: *amused and confused* “Enjoy your cake…goodbye!”

Related:
A Runaway Train Of Thought

(We used to have a candy topping for a certain holiday drink. It was discontinued because people found it unpleasant. One customer went as far as to claim that a barista “must have dropped fried rice from their lunch into the drink”. There had been a minor incident over it, and the customer was outraged. This is takes place the following year in the drive-thru.)

Coworker: “Hi, here’s your latte! Have a nice night.”

Customer: “Where’s the candied ginger from last year? I only ordered this because I wanted the ginger. I’m not going to enjoy my drink as much now!”

Coworker: “Well, we don’t use it any more because people didn’t like it. Someone even insisted there was rice in their drink! Isn’t that kind of funny?”

Customer: “Oh yes…I remember. Uh…that was me, actually.” *drives away sheepishly*

(I am a zookeeper, and am taking care of five lions which are new arrivals. We’ve set up a natural habitat for them and they are ready to be introduced to their new home. I press the button that raises the gate between their cage and the habitat, and they begin to examine their new surroundings. As I do this, I get tapped on the shoulder by a visitor.)

Visitor: “New arrivals?”

Me: “Yes, just got here this morning.”

Visitor: “What do they eat?”

Me: “Well, meat, of course.”

Visitor: *nods* “I thought so. Then, I am just in time. We need to protect these poor animals!”

(The visitor hands me a poster about being a vegetarian. I look at it, and then look back at her.)

Me: “So these lions should NOT eat meat?”

Visitor: “No, of course not! There are enough healthy alternatives, as listed on this poster!”

Me: “I don’t think the lions would agree with that. However, they do eat vegetarians; cows and so on, you know. Nature.”

Visitor: “Oh, no!” *turns to the lions* “I’ll bring tofu tomorrow, you’ll like it!”

(As she leaves, a female coworker who has overheard the conversation chimes in.)

Coworker: “If she can do that, I’ll eat my hat!”

(I’m a customer sitting in a bookstore calmly reading my own book. I always go there because it’s pretty cozy and they let me because I’m a regular.)

Customer: “Hey, you have a copy of The Hunger Games! The store employee said it was sold out!”

Me: “This is my own copy, ma’am. I just come here to read.”

Customer: “You little liar! You just don’t want ME to take the last copy to the counter first!”

(Suddenly, the customer snatches my book out of my hands and runs to the counter.)

Employee: “Excuse me ma’am, but I’m going to ask you to give that book back to the young miss over there.”

Customer: “WHAT?! But I came here first!”

Employee: “I can, in fact, confirm that the book belongs to the young miss.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! Sell me this book!”

Employee: “I’m afraid I can’t, ma’am.”

Customer: *slams my book on the counter* “This is the worst service I’ve EVER gotten! I’m NEVER coming back here!” *runs out*

Employee: *to me* “I’m so sorry about that. If your book was harmed in any way, please let me know and I’ll reserve a new one for you.”

Me: *laughing* “Thanks, but it’s fine. Great service though!”

(I work in a Coffee Shop. I was on break in the lobby when a couple walks in. Directly behind them is a cute little boy in Batman costume.)

Me: “Oh my God! It’s BATMAN!”

(The boy stops, strikes a pose and starts looking around menacingly. After a few seconds, he approaches the counter.)

Mother: “Jeff, would you like a chocolate milk?”

Boy: “I am not Jeff. I am The Batman.”

Mother: “The Batman, would you like a chocolate milk?”

Boy: “Yes. Yes, The Batman would.”

(The couple pays while the boy sits down with his chocolate milk. He keeps a stern look on his face as he sips the drink.)

Boy: *sips* “Gotham is safe.”