Advice Is Meant To Be Ignored

(A customer in the self-serve copy area calls over for help.)

Me: “What is it that you need help with?”

Customer: “I don’t know how to make double sided copies.”

(I see that he has two single sided sheets.)

Me: “Okay, so first, put your pages in the feeder, face up. Then, under double sided copying, we’re going to select 1 sided to 2 sided.”

Customer: “No, it should be 2 sided to 1 since we have 2 pages and want to make 1 page.”

Me: “No, the numbers tell the copier how many sides the paper is, not how many pieces of paper you want. We have a single sided original and we want to make a double sided copy. 1-2.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “No, it’s 2-1.”

(The customer presses 2-1 and hits start. The copier scans both sides of this single sided originals and charges him for 4 copies instead of 2.)

Me: “Wait, no–”

Customer: “Yes, see? I was right!”

Me: “No, look…you weren’t.”

(The customer picks up his copies to see 4 pieces of paper, two of which are blank.)

Customer: “Hey, they came out wrong.”

Me: “Yep, because the setting was supposed to be 1-2.”

Customer: “Can I get a refund for them?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because you asked me for help. When I told you how to do it, you didn’t listen to me.”

Customer: “But they came out wrong!”

Me: “They came out wrong because you used the wrong setting after I told you what the correct setting was. I’m sorry, I can’t refund you.”

Customer: “So the setting is 1-2 then?”

(I am working the register at a well-known video game store, when a customer approaches with a stack of games and his son.)

Me: “That will be $87.96.”

Customer: “Here.” *gives me a gift card worth $25*

Me: *processes gift card* “Your balance is $62.96.”

Customer: “What do you I do now?”

Me: “You give me more money.”

Customer: “Oh, sorry. I have never been here before…”

Customer: “I live in this area but I don’t know my postal code. What is the postal code for here? They will be similar…it’s just so I have an idea of what postal code is.”

Me: “I don’t know off by heart. If you give me a minute, I could look it up.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous. How can you not know the postal code?! You WORK here!”

Me: “Um, sir, you don’t know the postal code to your own address and you LIVE here.”

(A middle-aged man walks up to my register with some odds and ends.)

Me: “Hello, did you find everything okay today?”

Customer: “Well, eventually. I had some help. All the guys on the floor are really helpful.”

Me: “That’s good to hear.”

(I continue ringing out the man’s purchases in silence for a few seconds.)

Customer: “Yeah, I’m not real good with all that fix-it stuff…but if you ever need a good batch of cocaine, I can whip that up real fast!”

(An elderly woman approaches my counter at work.)

Customer: “Excuse me, young man, but is your grandfather’s name Sean?”

Me: “No, ma’am, why do you ask?”

Customer: “You look just like the sailor I celebrated VJ Day with!” *winks*

(I work in the wine department of a well known grocery chain.)

Customer: “Can you show me where the Charbonnay is?”

Me: “Ah, you mean Chardonnay. It’s right over here.”

(I hand her a bottle.)

Customer: “That’s not Charbonnay. Charbonnay is RED!”

Me: “Oh, sorry. Here you go!”

(I hand her a bottle of Cabernet sauvignon.)

Customer: “That’s more like it!” *waddles off grumbling about how stupid I am*

Related:
Right Next To The Pee Not And Cabinet

Me: “Here is the number. Do you have a pen?”

Customer: “No, I’ve never used one before…”

Patient: “Hi, my 6-month-old grandson has some congestion in his nose and a fever. I gave him some NyQuil yesterday and that seemed to help. Is there anything you would recommend?”

Me: “For the congestion, you can use these saline drops, they’re–”

Patient: “No! I don’t wanna use that medicated stuff.”

Me: “All right. Well, for the fever you can try this Tylenol. Do you know the wei–”

Patient: “No! I don’t want to use that! It has acetaminophen in it! That’s not safe for babies.”

Me: “Actually, acetaminophen is quite safe for infants.”

Patient: “You’re a pharmacist. You would say that!”

Me: “Well, the only other option is the Advil.”

Patient: “That has acetaminophen too!”

Me: “No, that has ibuprofen. Which is also saf–”

Patient: “No, it isn’t!”

Me: “Are you aware that NyQuil has acetaminophen in it?”

Patient: “You lie! NyQuil has NyQuil in it! Isn’t there anything more natural I can give?!”

Me: “No.”

Patient: “You’re useless!” *storms off*

(Every day, we have soups available. When a soup runs out, we take its card out of the display and put in a placeholder that says something like “Warm Goodness” or “Homestyle Delight” just to fill space. The cards very clearly do not look like the rest of the cards since the normal soups have descriptions where the placeholders say “Try our soups today!”)

Customer: “I’d like some of the Warm Goodness.”

Me: “Well that isn’t actually a soup, it’s just a placeholder. We do have several other soups today.”

Customer: “Silly me. I’ll have the Homestyle Delight instead.”

(I operate a mobile pet hydrobath, and I’m brushing knots out of a border collie before washing him. He is still completely dry when his owner comes out of the house.)

Customer: “Where’s the drowned rat?”

Me: *laughs* “He’s not drowned yet. I’m just going to brush out these knots.”

Customer: *to his dog* “Aww, who’s a drowned rat?”

(I figure he can’t see into the bath and didn’t hear me.)

Me: “I haven’t washed him yet. I’m just giving him a good brush first.”

(The owner climbs into the trailer where he can clearly see the completely dry dog.)

Customer: *to his dog* “Now that’s a drowned rat if ever I saw one!”

Me: “Heh, not yet—”

Customer: *to his dog* “Who’s a drowned rat?”