Caller: “I hope this won’t take much time.”

Me: “It won’t, ma’am, it’s only a few simple steps. First of all, I need you to double click on My Computer.”

Caller: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Ma’am, our records show you running a Windows computer. Has that changed?”

Caller: “I don’t think so.”

Me: “Okay, now just double click on My Computer for me please.”

Caller: “How can I do that?”

Me: “It should be right there in front of you. Make sure all other windows are closed down and you should, hopefully, see it in the top left corner.”

Caller: “How am I suppose to click on your computer? You must be like hundreds of miles away!”

Customer: “Hi, I would like a sandwich.”

Me: “Sure, what sandwich would you like?”

Customer: “I want a hot sandwich.”

Me: “Okay, do you mean heated or spicy?”

Customer: “Oh heated, I don’t like spicy. So I will have meatball.”

Me: “Sure, would that be six-inch or foot-long?”

Customer: “Uhm…whole please.”

Me: “Okay, foot-long? What type of bread?”

Customer: “White.”

Me: “We don’t have white, but we have Italian.”

Customer: “Fine, whatever. Oh, and I think my daughter wants a sandwich too.”

Me: “What type of sandwich does she want?”

Customer: “How am I supposed to know? She’s not here!”

Customer: “Wow, this wheel spins around and I think you put a ball in it.”

Me: “Yes madam, it’s a roulette wheel.”

Customer: “And what’s the point. Do you have to guess the numbers?”

Me: “Some people actually bet on the outcome as well.”

Customer: “That’s an awesome idea. They should have those in casinos!”

( I work near to a city park where a lot of events like fairs or public concerts are held.)

Me: “Thank you for calling, how may I help you?”

Caller: “You will be shooting off fireworks tonight, right?”

Me: “We won’t be, but yes, the city is setting off fireworks.”
“
Caller: “When is that going to happen? When have you scheduled it?”

Me:  “We aren’t scheduling it, but my guess is the city will be shooting them off at around sunset.”

Caller:  “Well, when is that going to happen?”

Me: “I don’t know ma’am.Wwe aren’t in charge of that. Perhaps you want to try calling the park and rec department?”

Caller: “How can you not know when you scheduled the sun to set?”

Related:
The Sun Is Such A Slacker Sometimes

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Patient: “Um. I think I have an STI.”

Me: “Okay. What symptoms do you have that makes you think that?”

Patient: “Well, I don’t really know. My computer told me to be here.”

Me: “Oh, did you do a self-analysis online?”

Patient: “No. I’m not sure. I’m here, I need to be here!”

Me: “Exactly what did your computer tell you?”

Patient: “Don’t judge me! Stop it! I need to be here!”

Me: “I can assure you that I am not judging you. Can you explain to me exactly what happened before you came here?”

Patient: “Well, I was looking at some porn last night online and this morning I turned my computer on and it told me I have a virus!”

Me: “Uh.”

Patient: “Stop judging me!”

(A teenage girl and her mother enter the store and walk over to the counter.)

Me: “Hello, can I help you with something?”

Teen: “Yeah, like, do you have, like, To Kill a Mockingbird?”

Me: “Yes we do. If you could follow me please.”

(I lead them to the book’s location, where we have two different copies.)

Teen: “Mom, pick the smaller one!”

Mother: “Honey, you that doesn’t make the story shorter, right?”

Teen: “Oh.”

(When clothing comes out of the packaging, we steam it to remove the wrinkles before we put it on the sales floor. A customer picks up a shirt that I have just finished steaming.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you know what this stain is? Will it come out in the wash?”

Me: “It’s water, from the steamer. Just give it a few minutes to dry, and the stain will be gone.”

Customer: “I don’t have a few minutes. If I take it home and wash it, can I return it if the stain doesn’t come out?”

Me: “No ma’am. Once the article has been washed we can no longer return it. It’s just water, I can assure you.”

Customer: “Well, then can you wash it here?”

(I go and soak it in the sink in our stock room, and hand the sopping wet shirt to the client.)

Customer: “I asked you to wash it! Instead you just made the stain bigger!”

Me: “Alright, your cell phone will be in service in twenty to thirty minutes.”

Customer: “How much is that in American time?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Well, in Canada you use the Metric system, right?”

Customer: “This sticker says 3 for 2. What does that mean?”

Me: “It means that if you choose three books with that sticker on, the cheapest will be free. You get three books for the price of two.”

Customer: “But what if I only want two books?”

Me: “You don’t have to have to take a third book. You can just buy those two on their own. But you could get a free book to go with them; any book in the shop with that sticker on.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous, I don’t want 3 for 2. Why are you trying to make people read books they don’t want?”

Me: “I can just sell you those two on their own. You don’t have to make use of the deal.”

Customer: “But it says 3 for 2, so I’d be missing out on a book.”

Me: “Well, you can choose a third book in the deal. Thenm you’ll get one for free.”

Customer: “But I only want these two!”

Me: “Ok, shall I put those two through the till for you?”

Customer: “Are you trying to rip me off? I want my free book.”

Me: *pause* “Would it help if I took the stickers off the covers, then they would just look like normal books?”

Customer: “Right! Yes! They shouldn’t be 3 for 2 anyway! They’re really good!”

Me: “What kind of bag would you like?”

Customer: *without hesitation* “A hot blonde with blue eyes, 6 feet tall, smart, and successful.”

Me: “Me and you both, buddy. But you’re in luck, as it just so happens our bags are tan and blue. Will that be okay?”

Customer: “That’s fine. It’s better than what I have back at home.”