(I work at a university; note that it is generally considered very academically competitive.)

Student: “I think there’s a hold on my account.”

Me: “Yes, health services put a registration hold on your account because they don’t have your immunization—”

Student: “Wait, that’s a big word! I don’t know what that means!”

(One day, my brother stopped by my work to chat. He is about 6 feet tall, broad shouldered, has short hair, and a beard. A customer comes in, so I say goodbye to my brother and he leaves.)

Customer: “What a funny looking girl!”

Me: “Umm…that was my brother.”

Customer: “That was your mother?!”

Me: “Uh, no. My brother.”

Customer: “Oh…*places order*“

Customer: “Hi, I have a few questions about this product.”

Me: “Sure, what would you like to ask?”

Customer: “I have no idea…”

Customer: “I’m getting really frustrated with this!”

Me: “Ma’am, what seems to be the issue?”

Customer: “My ‘G spot’ won’t turn on.”

Me: “Ma’am, do you mean your hotspot?”

Customer: “Yeah, hotspot, ‘G spot’. It won’t work.”

Me: “Has it worked before?”

(I lose it at this point and cannot recall the rest. She continues to call it the ‘G spot’ for the remainder of the call. And yes, I did fix it.)

(There is a flight leaving our airport over an hour later than expected. My department is trying to re-direct passengers to other connecting flights, or reschedule flights they may miss because of the delay. An Irish woman, around 50, approaches the counter.)

Me: “I apologize for the delay. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hello, young man. I must say this delayed flight to Charlotte is unacceptable. I have a connector to Dublin I will need to be on ten minutes after this delayed flight lands. How do you expect me to make it in ten minutes?!”

Me: “I do apologize for the inconvenience. If you give me a couple of minutes, I can check and see how I can re-route you.” *begins searching* “Ma’am, I do have a direct flight from this airport to Dublin, leaving in about two hours. That will put you in Dublin a couple of hours ahead of schedule.”

Customer: “So I won’t go to Charlotte?”

Me: “No, you won’t. And due to the inconvenience, there will be no extra charge for moving you to the direct flight.”

Customer: “So I won’t go to Charlotte?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Ma’am, if I send you on this flight to Charlotte, you won’t have time to make the connector to Dublin. However, if I put you on the flight I’m talking about—”

Customer: “The one that won’t have me going to Charlotte?”

Me: “Yes, that one. If I put you on—”

Customer: “But I want to go to Charlotte.”

Me: “Let me check and see when the next flight from Charlotte to Dublin is.” *searching* “I have a flight leaving for Dublin tomorrow morning at 6:47 AM. That will put you in Dublin at around 7:00 PM at their local time, almost 24 hours later than if you just—”

Customer: “I’ll take it!”

Me: “May I ask why you would rather stay the night here in Boston than take this direct flight I’m offering you?”

Customer: “The Charlotte airport has a Cinnabon.”

(I work at the customer service desk at a large chain retail store that sells a lot of clothing. An elderly man approaches me looking rather distressed.)

Customer: “Excuse me, I’d like to report a shoplifting incident in your store.”

Me: “Oh, okay; it happens sometimes. Can you show me where?”

(He takes me to the junior’s section and leads me to a rack of distressed jeans.)

Customer: “See! Someone replaced a whole rack of jeans with their old, ratty ones! The nerve of people these days!”

Me: “Sir, I appreciate your concern, but we are actually selling those jeans; they’re currently in style. That’s how they’re supposed to be.”

Customer: “You’re selling used jeans?!”

(Two older ladies come in. One asks about our Tibetan Prayer Flags, which are quite popular. I’m new and listening in on my coworker’s explanation.)

Coworker: “Traditionally, it’s believed that as the wind blows, it carries your prayers into the universe.”

Lady #1: “Oh, that sounds just lovely. I like the idea of being connected to the universe. I once went to this workshop where I sent some things into the universe. It was very rewarding.”

Lady #2: *grumbles* “I don’t need no prayer flags. I have my own method of praying!”

Coworker: “We have this size, as well as a few mini ones. I have one hanging from a tree in my yard that I pass every day.”

Lady #1: “Yes, I definitely like these. It’s speaking to me.”

Lady #2: *grumbles louder* “So? I have a direct connection to the Creator!”

(A man and woman come to my register with a cart full of dog products. They have no dog with them, but the man notices the bowl of dog treats we keep at the registers for dogs who come into the store.)

Man: “Can I have one of those?”

Me: “Sure, go ahead.”

Man: *takes a dog treat from the bowl and eats it*

Me: “Sir?!”

Woman: “Don’t worry, he’s tried dog treats before.”

Man: “Yeah, this one tasted like s***.”