(I work at a local craft store chain and I’m currently up at the register assisting the cashiers with the line of people. My next customer comes up with a basket of frames.)

Me: “Hello, did you find everything alright?”

Customer: “Yes, I did.” *hands me a stack of frames*

(I quickly start scanning the stack and lining them up to place into a bag when the customer stops me.)

Customer: “Hey one second… why aren’t these frames on sale?”

(I look at the frames, and from looking at the ad earlier in my shift, I know that particular type of frame is not on sale.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. That particular frame is not on sale. It’s only the [current frame] style that’s on sale.”

Customer: “No. It IS on sale. There’s a sign back there!”

(Thinking it is a common misreading of the sign on what styles are on sale, I elaborate that only certain frames are on sale.)

Customer: “No, YOU don’t understand. It’s 40% off! There’s a sign! I’ll go back there and look myself AGAIN.”

Me: *knowing exactly how this is going to go* “Yes ma’am. Would you mind showing me the sign?”

(The customer snickers to her companion and mutters how she’s going to prove she’s right, and how I should learn how to do my job. I pay no mind though. I step from behind the register and have the customer lead me to the sign just in case it was put up at the wrong time or so I can explain it.)

Customer: *points to sign in distance* “See? It’s 40% off because that says so!”

Me: “Ma’am, the sign clearly reads [store brand, current two styles on sale] and on the label of the frames over there it clearly says either of those styles on the frame. That frame you’ve got is a [store brand] float frame, and is not on sale.”

(The customer goes silent and walks up back to the register and checks out the rest of her items, no issue. When I finished checking her out I hand her, her receipt and say with a smile:)

Me: “Guess I’m not too shabby at my job.”

Customer: *turns red and storms out of the store without another word*

(My store has ads in magazines that run monthly. Typically, they bring us quite a bit of business. I get a phone call about it.)

Customer: “I want you to stop sending these magazines!”

Me: “Ma’am, this company does not send out independent ads. Are you referring to a magazine?”

Customer: “Yes and you need to stop sending it!”

Me: “Ma’am, we have no control over who is on the list for the magazines. If you wish to cancel your subscriptions to one of the magazines we advertise in, you will have to contact the magazine company itself.”

Customer: “I contacted YOU! I am so sick of getting these every month!”

Me: “Ma’am, we are just a company featured in the magazine. We have no control over your subscription.”

Customer: “Are you stupid? Just stop sending me the magazine!”

Me: “Ma’am, who do you think you have called?”

Customer: “[Name Of My Store].”

Me: “Yes, that is us. What is the name of the magazine?”

Customer: “[Name Of Magazine].”

Me: “So, we are the company that has an ad. We are not the same company that makes the magazine, as you can see from the very different names. I am unsure as to why you have contacted us. On the back page of the magazine, there will be a number of the correct company to contact for this.”

Customer: “Oh my God! Just stop sending them!”

Me: “Ma’am, once again, this is not the magazine company nor do we have any control over what they do. You have to call them. Not us. You can call every ad in that book, but no one will be able to help you unless you call the magazine company itself.”

Customer: “You are useless! Tell your boss to stop sending them!” *click*

(One month later I get a phone call:)

Customer: “WHY ARE YOU STILL SENDING ME MAGAZINES? I CANCELLED!”

Me: “Ma’am, as I told you then and I am going to tell you now, this is my store, not the magazine.”

Customer: “Cancel the d*** magazine!”

Me: “We are still not the magazine company!”

Customer: “You useless idiot! What do I have to do in order to get you to do your job? Stop. Sending. The. Magazine. To. Me.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, I have tried my best to be polite and nice to you. I cannot dumb this down any further. We are a retail store. We run an ad in that magazine. For some reason, you have it in your head that a random ad in a magazine is the right number to call to end the magazine subscription. It is not. It is simply not. The only way to cancel the subscription is to call the people who actually make the magazine, instead of harassing ads that have no control or contact with the magazine except to send in new ads once a month. Now, open the magazine, find the number listed for the magazine and please stop calling here and harassing me. There is not a single logical reason that calling us would end a magazine subscription.”

Customer: “How dare you!”

Me: “Call the magazine. Not us.” *hangs up*

(Five minutes later:)

Customer: “I want to talk to your boss!”

Me: “I am the boss. Call the magazine company. Now please, leave us alone and figure out how ads and magazines work. I checked the magazine myself and our ad is on page six. There is no reason that a magazine company would put their number in the middle of their magazine. Their number is on the back. Call that number.”

Customer: “I should sue you! End my subscription or I WILL sue.”

Me: “Ma’am, you cannot sue because you are harassing someone else. You also cannot sue someone who has told you who to get the service you want for a month straight. We sell home supplies, as you can tell by our ad and by the name of our store. I will ask once more: call the company you actually want and leave us alone.”

Customer: “Will you end my subscription if I stop calling?”

Me: *facepalm*

(I learned her number and posted next to every phone that no one is allowed to answer it. She called for two more months and finally the calls stopped. I think she finally got it.)

Me: “You will need to be connected to Wi-Fi in order for this to work properly.”

Customer: “Okay, I’m connected. What next?”

Me: “Once connected, you will need to go to the settings options and click on ‘Back Up’ now.”

Customer: “Okay, I pressed it and now I see a progress bar at the bottom.”

Me: “That’s great! That means it is backing up. Please let me know once it is done.”

(15 minutes later:)

Customer: “Sorry it is taking so long. It seems to be stuck in the middle.”

Me: “It’s fine! It can take a while sometimes.”

Customer: “Should I be connect to Wi-Fi for this?”

Me: “Yes, I had mentioned at the very beginning that you would need to be connected to Wi-Fi for this to work correctly. Do you know if you have it on?”

Customer: “Not sure how to turn it on.”

(I instruct the customer on how to turn it on.)

Me: “Do you see the name of your home Wi-Fi Network listed?”

Customer: “How do I know what the name of my network is?”

Me: “You would need to contact your Internet Service provider for that information.”

Customer: “Will they be able to tell me if I have Wi-Fi?”

(I’m literally about to lose my s*** at this point.)

Me: “So you are not even sure if you have Wi-Fi?”

Customer: “No… I’m sorry, but I’m not very tech savvy…”

Related:
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 15
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 14
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 13

(I’m working at a hotel for the first time by myself late at night. A strange-looking customer walks in. I assume she’s a woman by her dress and heels she wears.)

Strange Customer: *in a strangely deep voice* “Hello, I’d like a room, if you don’t mind… here’s my ID and credit card.”

(She hands them to me. I run it through.)

Me: “Sorry, it’s declined.”

Strange Customer: *strangely unsurprised* “Oh, I’ve been using it all day; probably I’m at my limit! Let me call my bank.”

(She makes a phone call that I can’t hear. I sense something amiss, and quickly photocopy her ID. She turns back to me.)

Strange Customer: “My bank says it’s all right now.”

Me: *running it again* “It still says declined.”

Strange Customer: “Oh, no sweetie, all you have to do is put in this code…”

(She says a code and baffled, I type it in, doubting it will work. To my shock, it does, and the credit card goes through.)

Me: “Okay… well. Here’s your keys and sign the reg card…”

(I give her back the card and ID, and she saunters off. I think nothing of it until the next week, when a police officer comes by.)

Officer: “Yes I need to talk to you about this guy.” *holds up photocopy of ID*

Me: “Oh yeah… I remember… wait a minute, ‘he’?”

Officer: “Yes. Did he have a disguise?”

Me: “Yes, he was dressed as a woman!”

My Boss: “Come on, [My Name] that is clearly a man in the picture!”

Me: “I know, I just thought that he was a really ugly woman…”

(I am in a fabric store looking at fabric for a friend’s Halloween costume, when an old lady enters and immediately comes over to me and stares for several minutes. I ignore her. She leaves, and I see her peeking around a corner at me several times. After a few minutes a policeman comes up to me.)

Policeman: “Can we take your name and address sir?”

Me: “Okay, it’s [Address], what’s up?”

Policeman: “We had a report that a gentleman matching your description was disrupting business here. Would you mind leaving?”

Me: “I just need to pay for my products.”

(At this point an assistant comes over and vouches for me. The police talk with the assistant. Suddenly the old lady comes barreling back.)

Old Lady: “Men should not be allowed to sew! If you were one of mine, I’d take you across my knee! This is pure sexism!” *she then slaps me* “There! Now learn your lesson and stop your evil ways.”

Policeman: *right behind her* “Ahem. Madam, would you mind stepping into the car?”