(I work at a gas station chain that offers its own brand of pizzas, which can be cooked by us at the store. However, we only cook our brand of pizzas, and we are not a delivery service and never were. This happens on an overnight shift at around 2AM, when its just me and one other employee working.)
Me: *picks up the ringing phone* This is [Gas Station].
Customer: Hey, do you guys sell pizzas?
Me: Yes, we do.
Customer: Do you still cook your pizzas at this hour?
Me: *thinking he’s going to ask us to cook a pizza so he can pick it up* Absolutely.
Customer: Would there be any chance you could deliver the pizza?
Me: *thinking I misheard* I’m sorry?
Customer: Do you deliver?
Me: I’m afraid we do not, we only cook pizzas in the store for pick-up.
Customer: *now whining* Come on. I’m in no condition to drive and I NEED a pizza.
Me: I’m not allowed to leave the store while on the clock.
Customer: What if I tipped you $50?
Me: No.
Customer: $100?
Me: Nope.
Customer: $200?
Me: Afraid not.
Customer: Do you have [brand of pizza I’ve never heard of before]?
Me: No, we only cook [gas station brand] pizzas.
Customer: *hangs up*
(I told my coworker about it not long after, and she thought it was hilarious.)

In 7th grade, I worked at a snack bar to earn money for a trip. One day I was working the window and an elderly man walked up.

Me – Hi, what can I get for you sir?
Him – I’d like a Frito pie, please.
Me – Anything else?
Him – That’s it.

The man paid, and I wrote down the order and gave it to the cook. I realized I had forgotten to ask if the man wanted cheese on the Frito pie.)

Me – Sir, would you like some Frito pie on your cheese?

I realized my mistake and chuckled a little to myself.

Me – I’m sorry, sir, I meant to ask Would you like some cheese on your Frito pie?

The man stared blankly at me for a few seconds, and then walked off without his food, even though he had already paid. It was funny and confusing at the same time.

(At the Supermarket I work at, there is an in-store pharmacy. Certain items can only be stocked and bought at the pharmacy. However, the tills are the same so they still scans on the normal checkouts.

A couple come through my till. I scan an item the couple had put on the conveyor belt which looks to be some kind of medicine. But since it isn’t in a Pharmacy bag, I assume it is just a product off the shop floor.)

Customer: Oh, you didn’t scan that did you?!

Me: Urm, yes I did. It was on the conveyor belt so I assumed you wanted to buy it.

Customer: But we already paid for it! Obviously! The receipt is in the box.

(I give her a look of disbelief, as if she somehow expected me to have x-ray vision)

Me: I’m sorry, I didn’t know. It’s no problem. I can just void it off.

Customer: The lady at the Pharmacy expected us to pay for it there. I didn’t think your till would be able to scan it…

Me: Well legally we’re only meant to sell tobacco products at the cigarette kiosk, but the tills will still sell tobacco on all the other tills. It’s the same with the Pharmacy.

Customer: Oh. Well there should be a sign!

(While the couple were older, and obviously had never worked retail, I don’t get how you wouldn’t understand that a till scans any and all items sold in the store. Regardless of the point of sale. I also don’t get how you can get mad at a cashier for scanning an item on the conveyor belt, indicating your intention to buy it!)

(A caller has been transferred to me by one of our newer reps who was not able to assist her. Before transferring her, the rep told me that the caller was having trouble logging in on our website, and that when she tries to log in, nothing happens: no error message, no “loading icon”, just nothing. The rep has also already handled the customer’s order; we just need to help her get her login fixed for the future.)

Me: Hello, (caller), I understand from (rep) that you are having difficulty logging in on the website.

Caller: No, I can’t log in.

Me: I apologize for the difficulty, (rep) said that nothing happens at all when you try to log in, is that correct, or do you see an error message.

Caller: I can’t log in.

Me: Do you see an error message.

Caller: Yes.

Me: What does the error message say?

Caller: I get an error when I try to log in.

Me: Does it say “Your username and password do not match”?

Caller: I don’t know.

Me: Do you still have the login page up?

Caller: It says my username and password don’t match.

Me: I show that your username is (username), is that the the username that you are entering on the login page?

Caller: It says my username and password don’t match.

Me: I apologize, is (username) the username that you are entering on the login page? (Note: Her username and email address are the same, which crops up again later.)

Caller: Yes, and I tried to reset the password but it didn’t work.

Me: When you tried to reset the password, did it not recognize your email address, or did you not receive the password reset email message? (If she got the message that she did not recognize her email, she may have mistyped it. If she didn’t, but didn’t receive the email, it may have been blocked by her email settings.)

Caller: I don’t know.

Me: Did you click the “Forgot username or password” link after you weren’t able to log in?

Caller: Yes.

Me: I show that the email address we have for you is <email>. Is that the email address you typed in on the password reset page?

Caller: Yes.

Me: Did it not recognize the email address after you typed it in?

Caller: No, I got a message that the username and password don’t match.

Me: After you got that message, did you click the “Forgot username or password” link?

Caller: Yes.

Me: Did you type (email) into the password reset page and click the submit button?

Caller: Yes.

Me: Did you get a message saying it would send you an email to reset your password, or a message that it did not recognize the email?

Caller: I don’t know.

Me: (I start to offer to request the password reset email for her, since I have the page up on my computer now, even though that will only help if she mistyped the email, not if her email filters are blocking the message): Would you like me…

Caller: (interrupts) I just want the website to log me in automatically. I don’t want to have to log in every time.

Me: Once we have your password reset, you can click the checkbox to automatically log you in. Would you like me to request…

Caller: (interrupts again) Never mind, I am just going to enter my email address in this password reset request page and reset my password.

(Note: And this is the short version, edited for length.)

I work the front desk at an assisted living home in Michigan. I am basically the point-of-contact for the rest of the staff and the one people go to for information. I am not, however, psychic.

Visitor: I need to talk to [Director]. Where is she?
Me: Was she not in her office? *glancing to her office window where the light is on*
Visitor: *rolls eyes* No. I just looked. She’s not there. Where is she?
Me: She’s probably helping around the building right now. Would you like to leave a note for her?
Visitor: *rude tone* No. I want you to tell me where she is so I can talk to her.
Me: I’m sorry ma’am, I don’t know where she is right now.
Visitor: Well why not?! Ugh, FINE. *stomps out door*

Yeah, I could have helped her more, but rude bitches do not get my help. Especially not stupid ones who assume I’m psychic.