(We are having cheese and biscuits at my auntie’s house after dinner, we often laugh at my auntie as she has a habit of breaking things or saying silly things)

Auntie: “Be careful, some of these cheese are individually wrapped.”

Dad: “Yeah, and why do we need to be careful of them?”

Auntie: “Well, you might not know which they are.”

Dad: “I’ll hazard a guess that they are the ones wrapped individually.”

Auntie: “You don’t know that, you haven’t looked at the instructions!”

(I am friends with the girl dating my brother and while he’s away, I’ve been keeping in touch with her. At the beginning of term, I find out that we’re both auditioning for a very competitive choir, where one year, there were 800 singers vying for 170 spots.)

Me: It would be so much fun if we both got into Women’s Chorus!

Friend: I know! We’d have so many excuses to hang out.

(Unfortunately, when the list goes up, I find my name on the final roster, but not hers. Right on cue, she calls.)

Me: Hey, [friend].

Friend: [my name]! I saw you got into Women’s Chorus! That’s awesome!

Me: Thank you! I’m sorry you didn’t, but…

Friend (after a pause): Because I’m going to be in concert choir.

(This is an even more elite group.)

Me: Well, we’ll still have concerts together!

(She’s now my sister-in-law and I have no idea if she remembers this.)

(I work in a large research facility that houses several thousand animals. I am part of the veterinary medical staff and am getting ready to give out a certain medication when one of the doctors comes by.)

Doctor: What have you got there?

Me: It’s (medication) for that guy in (room). Fortunately it’s the last dose.

Doctor: Oh, is that for the monkey?

(We have about 2500 monkeys in our facility.)

Me: …yes, it’s for the monkey.

(I am fourteen, and It’s my second day on the job as a cross between server, greeter, and busboy. One man walks in, and is waiting for his takeout, so I begin to speak to him.)

Me: Hello! How is your day going, Sir?

Customer: Fine, fine…how old are you?

Me: *somewhat uncertain* I’m fourteen, Sir.

Customer: Good…did you have a childhood?

Me: *startled, not comfortable* Um…yes?

Customer: What is your relationship with your parents like?

(That’s when I decided that I didn’t want to know where this was going, and politely told him that I had tables to attend to, grabbed a jug of ice water, and stayed in the far corner of the restaurant until he left.)

(As a senior with a heavy workload and the recent purchase of several lengthy novels, I’ve forgone sleep in favor of memorizing a long list of anatomical terms for class and then a good read. The next day, I’m in the dining hall with a thermos of coffee and a bowl of cereal, and in a very grumpy, tired mood. Suddenly, a freshman who spoke to me a few weeks back plops down accross the table.)

Me: *Looks up and nods in greeting*

Freshman: *Cheerily* “Aren’t you going to drink anything? You know you’re supposed to drink water or juice at breakfast, rght?”

Me: *Gestures to coffee* “This’ll do.”

Freshman: “And what about meat? See, I got bacon. You should, too.”

Me: “I’m vegetarian.”

(At this point, I’d like nothing better to ask her to leave, and very bluntly at that. But besides being a bit short, I manage to keep from being mean.)

Freshman: “Yeah, but you should still eat meat. Don’t you know its good for you? And you really need to get something to drink…” *Keeps prattlig on, even when the bell rings*

Me: *Stands up and collects things* “Well, as enlightening as this has been, I’ve got to go to class. Good day.”

(Definitely not the best start to my morning.)