A patron has been using one of our reference computers to find books on particular subjects, and he approaches me with a list. It should be noted that we get a lot of conspiracy theory nuts and hunters of the paranormal as they believe the information on the Internet is either fake or gets them put on some kind of government “watch list”.

Patron: “I’m looking for books on these subjects. I’m having trouble with the last one!”

The list contains your standard list on paranormal subjects, but the last one is written as “a$$tral projection.”

Me: “Sir, I think you’re having trouble with that last one because it’s misspelled.”

Patron: “No! I know what I wrote, and I’m looking for that!”

Me: “Sir, either that’s misspelled or it’s a type of book you wouldn’t find in a public library.”

Patron: “Why? Scared of educating the masses about what truths are really out there?”

Me: “Sir, just remove an S from this and you should find the computers a lot more helpful.”

The patron suddenly realizes their error, turns red, and slinks away. I tell my manager about it as he witnessed the encounter. 

Manager: “You were far too nice. I would have just sent him to YouTube and typed in ‘how to twerk’.”

A manager is explaining the updated menu to both the kitchen and the waitstaff.

Manager: “This is one of the cocktails we’re adding to the menu. It has butterfly pee in it, but [Mixologist] insists it’s safe, so tell the guests it’s sterile if they ask about it.”

Confused, we all look over to our resident mixologist, who is doing a Picard-worthy face-palm.

Mixologist: “Butterfly pea! P-E-A! Not P-E-E!”

Manager: “What the f*** is butterfly pea?”

Mixologist: “You have no right to ask me that if you thought I was making a cocktail using butterfly urine!”

That was an interesting all-hands meeting!

I’m at work, in the kitchen, having my breakfast. There are several of us in the office chatting when one coworker asks me this.

Coworker: “So, [My Name], are you a bean?”

Me: “A bean?”

Coworker: “You know, like, the bean.”

Me: “No? Sorry, I don’t know what you’re asking.”

Coworker: “The bean! You know, the bean!”

Me: “As in that silvery thing in America?”

Coworker: “Ugh! No. The BEAN!” *Storms off*

No one in the kitchen knows what he is talking about, and I don’t see him for the rest of the day. Around 15:00, my desk neighbour sits down with a cup of coffee.

Neighbour: “So, do you want to know what [Coworker] was talking about this morning?”

I look at her, my interest piqued.

Neighbour: “He was asking if you were gay.”

Me: “What? How do you figure that?”

Neighbour: “He thinks ‘lesbian’ is French, and the ‘les’ part means ‘the’.”

Me: “Oh… What?”

Neighbour: “Yeah… I tried to convince him otherwise, but he’s certain that lesbians are ‘the bians’, pronounced ‘beans’.”

We have a new hostess who likes to ask stupid questions as a way of trying to sound smart. She questions the chef and kitchen staff about the menu and ingredients to try to catch them out. One time she argued that our Pinot Noir bottles were mislabeled because they were white wines, even though this was explained when they were delivered that though uncommon, this is possible, and we ordered some!

One of our chefs got tired of her, so when she was challenging some menu changes, he decided he had had enough.

Hostess: “I see you added clam chowder to the menu. What kind of clams were used?”

Chef: “Bearded clams from the island of Lesbos.”

Hostess: *Nodding along* “Ah, yes, very good.”

She then proceeded to tell tables that for the first forty minutes we were open until another server overheard her and corrected her. Luckily, our customers thought it was hilarious, although the chef was told not to do that again!

We have just got a new server, a young woman who is very excited to be here.

New Starter: “This is so cool! This is my very first job!”

Me: “I’m glad you’re excited! Just remember your training and you’ll be fine. I’ve just assigned you your first table! You never forget your first one!”

Off she goes to take their order.

New Starter: “Can I get you guys any drinks?”

Customer: “What’s on tap?”

New Starter: “Um… water? You guys are pulling my leg, huh?”

The customers are almost falling out of their chairs laughing while I jump in to help. Once the order is taken, the new starter asks what happened.

Me: “Let’s just say that I won’t ever forget your first table, either!”