Your Knowledge Of English Is Ballin’

| SD, USA | Working | March 6, 2017

(I own two horses, one of whom just turned a year old. He has been having some problems with his hoof so we had the vet out to look at it. The vet works with his wife, who is a very nice Asian lady who doesn’t have very good English. A couple months earlier we had the baby horse gelded, which is the horse equivalent of being neutered. This exchange happened while the vet’s wife and I are petting the year-old horse.)

Vet’s Wife: “What’s his name?”

Me: “[Horse].”

Vet’s Wife: “OH, HE THE ONE WE CHOP BALL!”

Me: *trying not to die of laughter*

Wasn’t Egg-specting That

| WI, USA | Related | November 6, 2016

(I live out in a fairly rural area, and thus keep a variety of animals for basic needs (cows for milk, chickens for eggs, etc.) so don’t have to drive several miles to the store for groceries all the time. On this particular day my boyfriend’s parents are coming over for dinner and, as a surprise, say they’ll be doing the cooking. Since this means my boyfriend and I have time to head out on one of our monthly treks for feed and supplies, we leave them to the kitchen duties, and come home to a nicely laid table and the scents of something very delicious in the air.)

Me: “Wow, smells like you two outdid yourselves!”

Boyfriend’s Mom: “Yep! Dig in!” [Boyfriend’s Father] is just washing his hands and cleaning up from butchering.”

Me: “Butchering?”

(I get a better look at the table, and notice the centerpiece a huge, steaming plate of roast chickens.)

Me: “That’s… wait… Where did you get the chickens from?”

Boyfriend’s Mom: “From your pen. Good timing, too! Those babies were all nice and plump and perfect!”

Me: *now horrified* “My… my pen!? Those are my chickens?”

Boyfriend’s Mom: “What are you shouting for? What’s the problem?”

Boyfriend: “Mom, those chickens were for our egg supply!”

Me: “They had names!”

Boyfriend’s Mom: “You assign names to your meat?”

(Needless to say, dinner ended up being cancelled and my boyfriend’s parents weren’t allowed to visit for a long time. They still have trouble understanding that there are other reasons for keeping animals than just to eat them.)

Mismanagement Misdirection

| QLD, Australia | Working | October 31, 2016

(I am doing some very seasonal work and the end of the season has come. I take the opportunity to follow a life-long dream and head to Northern Australia to Jackaroo on a cattle station. I end up on a family run property and do everything with the family, which wears a bit thin on me. Fairly early on Boss’s Daughter made the throwaway comment “The boss is always right” which irked me at the time. Boss, Boss’s Son and Regular Casual are working in the cattle yards. Boss is heading out there and I am to go with her to bring a truck back to the house. I travel this road daily as a part of my work on the place. Boss hadn’t been this way for over a week and Regular Casual had been over some of the roads with the grader.)

Me: “Um, [Boss Lady], you missed the turn off to the yards.”

Boss Lady: “No, I didn’t.”

Me: “[Regular Casual] ran over some of the roads with the grader the other day. This is the track out to [completely different paddock].”

Boss Lady: *standing on the brakes, face turned red with anger* “[My Name], I have lived here for 35 years! I know this place like the back of my hand, I know where I’m going, and I don’t need you to tell me how to get around my own home!”

Me: “Sorry.”

(She then continued driving for another two or three minutes and when she started to drive into scrub and found a gate she shouldn’t have she sheepishly turned around and took the turn off she should have in the first place. This sort of thing happened a number of times with various members of the family. Sometimes I got the win; sometimes I was berated for opening my mouth. I finished the traineeship I was on and left. I was glad I did it but their attitude stunk.)

Don’t Have A Cow, Mom

| USA | Related | April 29, 2016

(My cousin has moved to property in a rural area. Not long after she moves, my grandmother stays with her for a few days. When she gets back she is gushing about the animals my cousin now has.)

Grandmother: “They have horses for each of them; even the little ones are learning to ride. Oh, and they have the cutest little calves. The kids have named them Bill and Ben.”

Dad: “With names like Bill and Ben, they aren’t going to get much in the way of milk out of them.”

Grandmother: “Don’t be silly. They got them for the kids to play with.”

(It’s quite a while before she visits my cousin again. When they get back my Aunt gleefully tells us the story.)

Aunt: “We arrived just before dinnertime and [Cousin] had cooked a beautiful meal for us. Mom was raving about how lovely and tender the meat was, then made the mistake of asking what it was. [Cousin] looked at her plate and said ‘I don’t know. It could be Bill or it could be Ben. I can’t tell the difference any more.’ You should have heard Mom scream and she refused to eat any meat from then on.”

Chicken Shouldn’t Have Come Home To Roost

| IA, USA | Related | April 18, 2016

(When my mom was little, one year she got a chick for Easter. When it grew up, she gave it to her grandparents who lived on a farm, and she would go and visit it. One visit, she couldn’t find it.)

Mom: “Where’s my pet chicken?”

Grandmother: “Remember that fried chicken you had last time you were here?”

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