I am giving out free samples at a kiosk in a superstore. Today, I am handing out chocolate-covered pomegranate when a man in his thirties comes over.

Me: “Hi, would you like to try some dark-chocolate pomegranate?”

Customer: “Of course!” *takes a sample*

Me: “Thank you for trying some today!”

Customer: “I’m glad I got four candies instead of three. You could have killed me.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “Three pomegranate seeds. It symbolizes ‘Fruit of the Dead.’ I could have died.”

Me: “Uh, ‘Fruit of the Dead’?”

Customer: *Dead seriously* “Yes. In Greek mythology.”

He looks somberly at his pomegranate candy.

Customer: “I’m very superstitious.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “Don’t give people three pomegranate seeds. Don’t.”

He walked away, staring at me for a while.

Related:
Death By Chocolate, Part 8
Death By Chocolate, Part 7
Death By Chocolate, Part 6
Death By Chocolate, Part 5
Death By Chocolate, Part 4

I am arranging some food at the grocery store when two elderly ladies come up to me, looking conservative in their long skirts and very simple shirts.

Elderly Lady: “Hello, dearie!”

Me: “Hello! Can I help you?”

Elderly Lady: “I think you can.”

Her voice suddenly becomes more rough and casual.

Elderly Lady: “Where’s the beer?”

Me: “The beer?”

Elderly Lady: “Yes, the beer! All I see is wine around here, but I want beer. Where is it?”

Me: “Uh, it’s in the back near the soda.”

Elderly Lady: “Oh! That would make sense.”

She switches back to the little-old-lady voice.

Elderly Lady: “Thank you, dearie!”

The two ladies trotted off to the back to find their beer. More power to them.

One day, while inspecting our landscaping, I notice a muddy area. Since it did not rain recently, I suspect a leak in one of the sprinkler supply pipes. Digging down to the pipe confirms the location of the leak, so I decide to call some sprinkler system repair places to get an estimate on the cost of quickly replacing a cracked section of pipe.

Me: “I have a small leak in my sprinkler system. What is your hourly rate?”

Employee: “We do not charge by the hour.”

Me: “Then how do you calculate your charges? By the job?”

Employee: “We send a fully-stocked truck to your location, we check your complete system, and then we perform any repairs that are necessary.”

Me: “But how much do you charge?”

Employee: “Our initial inspection is $100. Then, if we find any problems, we fix them.”

Me: “But, my system is working well; all I need is somebody to patch or replace the leaking pipe. I do not need a full system inspection. How much would that cost me?”

Employee: “Our initial inspection is $100. Then, if we find any problems, we will give you a cost estimate to fix the problem.”

Me: “If I do not like the cost, can I refuse any further work?”

Employee: “Yes, you pay the initial inspection fee of $100, and you can accept or refuse the estimate to fix the problem.”

Me: “So, let me get this straight… You charge me $100 for an inspection I do not need, since I have identified and localized the problem, and then your technician will tell me I need to have a leaking pipe patched and give me an estimate for the time of the work and parts, so the entire job might be around $200, but I have to pay $100 even though they don’t fix the leak?”

Employee: “Yes.”

Me: “Thank you, but I will look elsewhere.”

I eventually found a contractor that fixed the leak the next day, for MUCH less than $200!

I work in an office taking orders for medical equipment. Our brochures advertise free shipping with a note that a fuel surcharge may apply.

Me: “Okay, sir, we will be covering the shipping. However, [Courier Service] has a fuel surcharge in place, so there is a one-time fee of $8.”

Caller: “But it says free shipping; this is fraud!”

Me: “It is an additional charge the courier has put in place.”

Caller: “I am a lawyer! And this is fraud! You will waive this fee immediately! If you don’t, I will sue! You’ll have a huge lawsuit and I will bankrupt you!”

Me: “Sir, only the owner has the authorization to waive the fee and he is not in the office at the moment. I only enforce the policies he puts in place and he has said to charge the courier’s fuel surcharge.”

Caller: “Well, you have been misled, missy! I deal with [Courier Service] every day for my job and they have never charged for fuel!”

Me: “Sir, may I ask, what kind of lawyer has to ship through [Courier Service] every day?”

Caller: “Uh… never mind. I’ll pay the d*** $8.” *Hangs up*

I’ve just been shopping with my mother, and I bought a replacement for a broken taillight. I decide to fix it in the parking lot. An employee comes out to gather carts and approaches me.

Employee: “Hey, you okay? Need any help?”

Me: “Nah, thanks, I got it. Just replacing the bulb.”

Employee: “Cool. You know, not many women know how to do that.”

Me: *Chuckling* “Don’t let me fool you. I didn’t know until a few weeks ago when I had my boyfriend show me.”

Employee: *Grins* “Well, hey, at least you made the effort to learn! Have a good day!”

He walks off to get his carts, and a pickup truck pulls into the space next to me. A guy in his twenties gets out and sees me.

Guy: “You need some help figuring that out?”

Me: “Nope, thanks, I’m almost done.”

Guy: *Scoffs* “There’s no way you know what you’re doing; let me do it for you.”

Me: “I said no, thank you. I am almost done. I know exactly what I’m doing; it’s a simple bulb replacement.”

Guy: “Simple or not, women don’t know how to do it. Now let me do it so you stop wasting everyone’s time!”

Me: “Sorry, man, but you’re the only one wasting time. Leave me alone, and we’ll all be happier.”

He rolls his eyes and comes up to my car, and I warn him to stay away from me. He gets closer and tries to snatch the pliers from my hands, so I smack his hand with them. By this time, the cart employee is returning with his carts and comes over.

Employee: “Everything okay here?”

Guy: “No, it isn’t! This little b**** just assaulted me for trying to help her!”

Me: “Quit your whining; it was barely a tap. Maybe next time you’ll leave a complete stranger alone when they tell you to go away.”

I turn to the employee.

Me: “We’re fine here, as long as Mister Misogyny here goes away and stops trying to take my tools.”

Employee: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave her alone, or I’ll call security.” 

Guy: “Go ahead, call them! I’m telling you, this f****** little whore assaulted me for no reason!”

In the end, we had to go in so security could look at the tapes. The man called the cops himself. He practically got laughed off the premises, and he got a warning to leave people alone when they don’t want help. The whole time, he kept insisting that he did nothing wrong, because “women can’t fix cars!”