I work at a chain liquor store in my state as a wine specialist.

Customer: “So what’s the difference between cabernets and merlots?”

I explain the differences between the two wines, like what they taste and smell like.

Customer: “No, what do they do differently so they’re called cabernet, or merlots, or chardonnay?”

Me: “Oh! That’s easy, ma’am; it depends on the grape used to make the wine.”

Customer: “But… all wine is made from grapes. So what do they do differently?”

Me: *Pause* “Ma’am, they use different grapes to make different wines. Cabernet, chardonnay, and merlot are different types of grapes.”

Customer: “There are more than two types of grapes?!”

I can’t tell you how loud I was screaming in my head.

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My restaurant is having a competition to increase the number of surveys; the cashier who gets the most positive surveys where they’re mentioned by name will receive a jacket with the company logo. As a result, we’ve all been sure to point out the survey website on the back of the receipt, although our efforts are mostly unsuccessful.

It’s 11:00 am. A new customer walks in: an older man with his wife and family.

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Fast Food Restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Good evening!”

Me: *On autopilot* “Good evening, sir.”

Realizing what I have said, I blush.

Customer: “Yes! Thank you so much! Every other cashier I’ve had has complained that ‘it’s not evening.’ But you! You said it right!”

I am thoroughly confused but happy to please the customer.

Me: “Thank you, sir! Now, what may I get for you?”

The customer orders, pays, and is about to take the receipt. I begin to launch into my spiel about the survey, when—

Customer: “Ah, yes! Thank you very much, young lady! You know, you’ve been very polite this whole time; I’m going to have to ask you a personal question.”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

He points to the receipt, where the cashier’s name is. As I’m not using another person’s register, it’s my name.

Customer: “Is this your name, young lady?”

Me: “Yes, sir! It is, and you can use it for the sur—”

Customer: “Perfect! Now I can fill out the survey!”

He fills out the survey in front of me as he waits for his food. I’ve been smiling the whole transaction; it’s early morning and I’m chipper on caffeine.

Customer: “Are you smiling because I’m giving you five stars, young lady?”

Me: “I’m just smiling in general, sir.”

The customer laughs as though that response is hilarious, and then leans over the counter to talk to my coworkers as his food comes out.

That guy was STRANGE, but he made my day! If there are two takeaways from this, I’d say that number one is that just a pinch of humor can really brighten up someone’s day, and number two is to be sure to fill out the receipt surveys. Your cashier will appreciate it!

I work as a barista at a small coffee shop. We have signs indicating which way the line forms, and yet we frequently have people get confused about where they’re supposed to enter it, and, therefore, we have a lot of line cutters. It’s store policy that I cannot tell a customer that they’ve cut the line, unless they ask me or another customer complains. It’s stupid, I know, but I’ve nearly been written up over it before.

We’re already rushed, and there’s a line stretching nearly to the back of the store. It seems impossible to miss, and yet a customer not in line waltzes up to the counter and starts ordering. No one makes a comment that I can hear, so I serve the customer as quickly as I can, move him along, and then take the next customer in the line.

Customer: “Did you see that he cut the line?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I did. Unfortunately, I’m not permitted to say anything to a customer who cuts the line unless another customer complains. May I get you started with one of our [seasonal drinks]?”

Customer: “What do you mean? You saw him and you didn’t say anything?”

Me: “Sir, I’m not allowed to tell a customer to get to the back of the line unless another customer makes a complaint that they cut the line. Now, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Well, I’m making a complaint now!”

Me: “Unfortunately, sir, the customer’s already been served, so I can’t do anything about it now. In the future, if you let us know in the moment, we’ll be sure to assist you with the issue. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “What do you mean, you can’t do anything about it?”

Me: “I can’t un-take his order, sir. May I please take yours?”

At this point, my coworker has moved beside me to start pulling the line, but since we’ve only got one register, she can just get orders started; she can’t ring people through.

Customer: “I just don’t understand why you couldn’t do something when you saw he cut the line!”

Me: “It’s store policy, sir. If you would like to make a complaint, there’s a survey at the end of your receipt, and you can mention that this store policy was not satisfactory to you. Now, what can I get started for you today?”

Customer: “The survey will be at the end of my receipt?”

Me: “Yes, sir. And I’ll give you your receipt at the end of your order. May I take your order?”

Customer: “It’s just not right. We were all waiting in line, and he held everyone in here up!”

At this point, the line is stretched out the door because no one else can cash out. But just as I’m not allowed to confront line-cutters, I’m also not allowed to try to hurry customers along when they’re at the register.

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir. I can assure you that your wait won’t be much longer, once you place your order.”

Finally, he does, grumbling the whole time. After he’s out of earshot, my coworker turns to me.

Coworker: “He took twice as long complaining as the line-cutter did ordering.”

I’m staying at a hotel with my wife and daughter. I’m talking to the desk clerk in the morning.

Me: “Where is breakfast being served?”

Clerk: “We don’t serve breakfast.”

Me: “Your website says, ‘Free continental breakfast.’”

Clerk: “Yeah. That’s a mistake.”

Me: “We booked this hotel because breakfast was included.”

Clerk: “I have a pack of donuts in the office. You want some?”

I work in an answering service. We answer for multiple companies, from medical accounts to employee call-off lines. We get all kinds of rude callers. We have an FAQ account for a program that allows people using a card to earn a dollar toward locally-grown fruits and veggies for every dollar they spend for up to $20.

Caller: “Can you tell me what vendors participate?”

Me: “Well, sir, you can ask the vendor at the farmers’ market or store if they participate, or you can see our list of vendors on our website at—”

Caller: *Interrupts* “I’m visually-impaired; just tell me the list.”

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t have the list, sir, nor do I have access to the website. What I can do—”

Caller: *Interrupts* “I can’t see a computer! I don’t even own one! Don’t you understand how hard it is for a blind person?! How can you be so insensitive?! Are you a government program? Are you affiliated with any blind programs?!”

Me: “I apologize for the inconvenience. What I can do is take a message and have someone return your call about that list.”

Caller: “Why didn’t you say so earlier? We could have been done with this.”

Me: *Trying not to scream* “Let me get your information.”

I get the info.

Caller: “Sorry about this. Just try to understand how hard it is for me. I’m too old for computers and can’t see.”

I look at my fifty-plus-year-old blind coworker at another station taking calls and using a computer.

Me: “Yes, sir, I understand it’s difficult.”