One day in gym class, one of the girls from a wealthy family dropped her coin purse. It probably contained $30 or more in quarters that she kept for the vending machines, so when she dropped it, it practically exploded, sending quarters flying in all directions. Some of them started rolling toward the bleachers, which were a pain to get under unless you were really small, so I ran to grab them for her. I grew up really poor, and everyone knew it, but they also knew I was honest and helpful — or so I had thought.

Me: *As I’m picking up quarters* “Don’t worry, [Girl #1]! I’ve got them for you!”

As I was picking up the quarters, another girl, who was also pretty well-off, started yelling at me.

Girl #2: “Oh, my God, [My Name]! Stop stealing [Girl #1]’s money!”

I looked over to [Girl #1] and found that she and [Girl #2] were both glaring at me as they were kneeling on the floor picking up quarters.

I was furious; I had just told her I was helping, yet she seemed to believe [Girl #2], who was calling me a thief. I locked eyes with the rich girl and gave her the nastiest smile as I flung the handful of quarters I’d gathered under the bleachers.

Me: *Gasps loudly with a wide-eyed expression* “Oops! Sorry! I didn’t realize you didn’t want my help!” *Smirking* “Have fun getting your money out!”

I was the only person in class who was small enough to easily slip under the bleachers, so they spent the whole class fishing out quarters by sitting on the bleachers and straining to reach through the gaps between the seats.

My son is autistic. When he was ten years old, before the Internet, he became fascinated with everything related to pharmacology. I bought him a white jacket and a clip-on tie so he could be a pharmacist for Halloween. He carried around an out-of-date copy of The Physician’s Desk Reference, which listed everything about every medication.

That was all well and good… until…

My landlady came over looking for advice. She had visited a tropical country the previous year and had to obtain certain immunizations. She was returning to that same country and wanted to know if she could get away with not repeating the same immunizations.

My son didn’t know and couldn’t find it in his book.  

But my goodness, who takes medical advice from a ten-year-old?

A customer has come in with a laptop they purchased just yesterday.

Customer: “You sold me a f****** broken laptop!”

Me: “Oh, I am so sorry to hear that. Here, let me take a look at it.”

I open the laptop, and press down the power button. It powers up like it should.

Customer: “What’s that button?!”

Me: “You mean the power button?” 

Customer: *Scoops up the laptop and storms back out* “D*** buttons should be labeled!”

It is late, and our store is about to close. The last shoppers are finishing up, and our security guy has made the doors one-way so that they’re exit-only. As a group of shoppers is leaving, a customer outside dashes in while the doors are open.

Security: “Excuse me! Sir! We’re closed!”

Customer: “Oh, I just need a few things! I’ll be really quick!”

Security: “Sir, we closed a few minutes ago. We’re not allowing in any more customers.”

Customer: *Already running into the aisle* “It’s only a few minutes, chill!”

The security guy looks at me and just scowls. As the checkout manager, I feel I am in a position to help him.

Me: “Don’t worry, I got you.”

I go to our checkouts to help close out the lanes and assist with any last-minute issues. A full eleven minutes after this customer ran inside, he casually strolls up to the checkout with a full basket of items.

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we’re now closed. Please place your basket to the side and proceed to the exit.”

Customer: “What?! No! I’m here to check out.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the checkouts closed automatically a few minutes ago. You just missed it.”

Customer: *Getting angry* “No! I know you can override that! Check me out!“

Me: “It was only a few minutes, chill!”

The customer immediately recognizes his smug words from earlier and wisely surmises from my raised eyebrow that he isn’t going to win this one. He slams his basket on the ground and storms out, passing the same security guy on the way out.

Security: “Thanks for almost shopping at [Store]!”

It is 2005, and “King Kong” is playing in our theater. A man and his young son are leaving the screen at the end of a showing. I overhear their conversation while they wait for someone to come out of the restroom.

Father: “That was a lot of fun!”

Son: “Yeah! Thanks, Dad.”

Father: “I wonder if that’s why they changed the top of the Empire State Building.”

Son: “Huh?”

Father: “I saw pictures of how the top of the Empire State Building looked when they first built it, and how it looks today is different. Was it because of King Kong?”

Son: “Uh… are you messing with me?”

Father: “What do you mean?”

Son: *Laughing* “Like a giant gorilla climbed the building in real life!”

Father: “Oh. I thought it was based on a true story.”

Son: “It’s a giant gorilla!”

Father: “What? Lots of animals go extinct!”