I am part of a group that does volunteer work. We had an event coming up, and for the first time, I was calling members to ask them to help out. It went really well until I tried to call this one guy. A woman picks up the phone.

Woman: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi. I am [My Name] from [Volunteer Group]. May I please speak with [Man]?”

Woman: “What?”

Me: *Slightly louder* “Umm, hello! I am [My Name] from [Volunteer Group]. May I please speak with [Man]?”

Woman: *Calling out LOUDLY* “[Man]! Someone’s on the phone for you!”

Man: *Distant but still loud* “WHAT?!”

Woman: “Someone’s on the phone!”

Man: “WHAT?!”

Woman: “THE PHONE!”

Man: “WHO IS IT?”

Woman: “It’s someone from [Volunteer Group]!”

Man: “WHAT?!”

Woman: “PUT YOUR HEARING AIDS IN!”

Man: “THEY ARE IN! WHAT IS IT?”

Woman: “Come answer the phone!”

Man: “WHAT?!”

They went back and forth like this for several more minutes, getting louder and louder, arguing among other things about HER needing hearing aids, too. I finally just gave up and moved on to the next volunteer.

I mentioned this at our next meeting and everyone acknowledged this couple are both quite hard of hearing and don’t like to admit it.

My husband and I both work at a large national retailer but in different departments. Most coworkers and customers know — it’s a small town — but we keep it professional.

My husband and I are working in our respective areas, within sight of each other, when a creepy old guy sidles up to him and strikes up a conversation.

Creepy Old Guy: “Man, it sure must be nice working here.”

Husband: “It pays the bills.”

Creepy Old Guy: “Lotta lookers around here.”

Husband: “I guess.”

Creepy Old Guy: “I mean, check out that redhead bent over that shelf over there. She’s clearly just asking for men like us to check out her a**!”

Husband: *Raising his voice.* “That’s. My. WIFE.”

He said he’d never seen a grown man scurry away quite so fast.

I work at a bookstore. We have a usual customer who is extremely odd. One of the things he’s done is lick the books, but we’ve never actually caught him. We recently installed CCTV cameras to prevent theft, as we have other customers who try to steal our merchandise. With the health crisis going on, we’re really cracking down on people being sanitary and wearing masks. One day, I see the usual customer come in and head straight to the religious section. I follow him discreetly to see if he’ll lick the books again. Sure enough, he picks up a Bible, takes off his mask, and licks the inside cover.

Me: “Excuse me, sir. Please don’t lick the books.”

Customer: “But do you know how much fiction is in this d*** book?! Thousands of years of hatred and wars because a bunch of losers believed some guy who lived ten thousand years ago!”

Me: “Sir, that is completely your opinion, but it’s for sanitary reasons, especially in these times. Now, I have to ask you to purchase the book.”

He started ripping pages out and throwing them everywhere, and I called for security. They came quickly, and he started throwing other merchandise off of the shelves and licking some of it. About half the books in that section were damaged, and he had two options: pay and leave for good, or we’d call the police.

He didn’t like those options. He left, but not before spitting on a book about female serial killers.

We wound up damaging out over a dozen books. We sent the tape to the police, and he was arrested for destruction of property.

Related:
Life Is Stranger Than Fiction, Part 4
Life Is Stranger Than Fiction, Part 3
Life Is Stranger Than Fiction, Part 2
Life Is Stranger Than Fiction

I work for a drive-in fast food place. The uniform consists of a shirt, apron, hat, and lanyard, all with the company’s name plastered all over them. I also own and wear a jacket from them with the same name. After work one day, I go to the local grocery store to pick up a few things.

Customer: “Hey, can you help me?”

I look down at my entire uniform proclaiming my actual job.

Me: “I, uh, don’t work here.”

Customer: “Are you even old enough to work? You look like you’re twelve! Whatever. I need an item off the top shelf.”

I’m not even five feet tall.

Me: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

Customer: “Ugh! Get me your manager!”

Me: “Sure thing. Just go out those doors, all the way across the parking lot, and down [Road], where you’ll see a sign for [Business]. Pull in there and ask for a manager.”

Customer: *Looks at me* “You don’t work here do you?”

Me: “Nope.”

Customer: “F*** you!” *Storms off*

I had a group of four teenage boys come in right as the lunch rush was beginning. They were laughing and joking with each other, which made it hard to get their actual orders put in, and led to the line backing up as they took up my register. Finally, I got all of their orders in the system.

Me: “Okay, your price is [Price]. Cash or card?”

The kid who had been the spokesman for the group had turned back towards his group, and all four of them started walking away at that point.

Me: “Sir? Sir! Kid, you still need to pay!”

Nothing. All four of them just wandered off to go sit at a table.

Me: *To the kitchen* “Cancel the order.”

I cancelled it out in the system and then moved on to handle the next customer. We got through the line and everything had died down somewhat, and then one of the teens came up.

Teen: “Hey! Where’s our food?”

Me: “You never paid, so we never made it.”

Teen: “We pay afterward.”

Me: “No, you pay now or you don’t get food.”

He made a face at me and stormed back to the table. They continued to sit around, glaring up at the registers every so often, before they went over to the condiment counter and made a mess with the sauces and knocked over a stack of trays, and then they all stomped out.