Was Going For Cinematic Dramatism

, , , , , , | Right | January 8, 2018

(I am a customer overhearing this exchange. The time is 6:45, and the movie starts at 7:00. It’s the opening weekend of a huge blockbuster, so we’re all waiting in line.)

Lady: “They say there’s a 15-minute wait! They’re going to make us stand around for fifteen minutes!”

(No one says anything.)

Lady: *louder, to the crowd* “THEY’RE GOING TO MAKE US WAIT ANOTHER FIFTEEN MINUTES! ARE WE GOING TO STAND FOR THIS, EVERYONE?!”

(No one responds. She does this four or five more times.)

Me: “IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO WAIT FIFTEEN MINUTES, DON’T SHOW UP FIFTEEN MINUTES EARLY!”

(The lady slinked off back to her place in line, while everyone else laughed.)

It’s The Holidays, In Your Neighborhood…

, , , , | Working | December 25, 2017

(For the holidays this year, my workplace has set up a schedule where a different third of the shop will each be off work the week before Christmas, the week between Christmas and New Year’s, and the week after New Year’s.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], which week are you off?”

Coworker: “First one, why?”

Me: “Just wondering.”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: *joking* “Just wondering if I had to look at your face next week.”

Coworker: “See, the first time I misheard what you said as “Ghostbusters”, so I think I’m going to go with that instead.”

Rock Beats Scissors, Lightning Beats Waiver

, , , , , | Right | December 1, 2017

(I work in the northern New Mexico mountains, where storms are known to come in in the blink of an eye. I work as a guide on a ropes course, which has lots of metal cables attaching the various obstacles to each other, as well as attaching the guests to the course to keep them from falling 60 feet to the ground. If there is lightning in the area, we have to get down off the course for a certain period of time, because as most people know, metal + humans + lightning = bad. We have just gotten back on the course after a lightning hold when another strike is spotted. Understandably, people are upset, but most comply because they’d rather not be barbecued. Until…)

Guest: “Why do we have to get down?”

Me: “There’s lightning in the area, and we need to ensure that guests and staff aren’t struck by it while on the course.”

Guest: “But I signed a waiver! That means I don’t care if I get hurt if lightning hits the course!”

Me: “Ma’am, we are legally required to get down off the course in this situation. There’s too much at risk, otherwise.”

Guest: “But I signed a waiver!”

Me: “Well… I’m sorry, but lightning incinerates the waiver.”

Recipe’s Frozen In Place

, , , , , , , | Working | November 14, 2017

(I work with my sister at a vegan bakery. It’s her first job. It is January, so typically cold. I show up the first day before sunrise and it is freezing inside — literally. The building is separate from the main restaurant.)

Me: “Why is it so cold?”

Sister: “Oh, the owner doesn’t have heat installed in here. Don’t worry; it kind of warms up after a few hours when we turn the oven on.”

(Later, I start to mix a recipe with a spoon.)

Sister: “Oh, no, if the owner comes back here and sees that, we get in trouble. We have to use our bare hands.”

Me: “Seriously? Bare hands? And it’s all freezing?”

Sister: “Yeah, otherwise we get yelled at and she starts coming back here a lot more to check.”

(Another day the owner came back and hurriedly LOCKED US IN. There were bars on the window; we literally couldn’t get out if there was a fire. She did this for several days because, as we found out later, the health inspector was around and she didn’t want him to know that building was in use. It’s really hard to find a baking job, so my little sister begged me not to say anything. I got my revenge quite unintentionally. On one of my last few days, it was so cold I wore my longest coat. I got so many glares from the owner and the staff in the actual kitchen, all family members, and I couldn’t figure out why. Then I realized: they are all Hindu. My coat? A calf-length white LEATHER trench coat. Oops. Shortly after I moved on, my sister gave up as well. She made new recipes for things like their tea cookies, following all vegan guidelines, but they were rejected because, “They didn’t taste vegan,” “They weren’t hard enough,” and, “No one would believe they were vegan.” After she left, someone sued because the cookies were so hard they broke a tooth.)

No Starting Point Means No Finish

, , , , | Right | November 6, 2017

(I work in a local tile shop. We are in an industrial area that is a little out of the way, so people call for directions a lot, even though the Internet gives perfectly fine directions.)

Customer: *on phone* “How do I get to your store?”

Me: “Where are you starting from?”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I need to know where you are starting from to give you accurate directions. You can be vague, such as just saying ‘the foothills’ or telling me the local major cross streets.”

Customer: “I don’t understand why you need that information.”

Me: “I can’t give accurate directions without it, because I might accidentally send you in the wrong direction. I live in on the Westside, so directions for how I get here would get someone from the Eastside lost.”

Customer: “That doesn’t make sense.”

Me: “Okay. I have to travel south to get here, and then go east. If you live south from us, you would have to go north. If you live east, you would need to go west. I need to know which direction to send you in order to get here.”

Customer: “That still doesn’t mean any sense. Just give me directions.”

Me: “Can you at least tell me the nearest major intersection to you?”

Customer: “Just give me directions!”

Me: “Okay. Do you know where [Major Street #1] is?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Are you close to [Major Interstate that goes right through town]?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you know where [Major Street #2] is?”

Customer: “Yes. “

Me: “Okay. Do you live to the east or west of that street?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “On the side closest to the mountain or the other side?”

Customer: “Close to it.”

Me: “Okay. Go south on [Major Street #2] and turn right onto [Major Street #3], and we are at the far end of the block.”

Customer: “Okay. I don’t know why that took you so long.” *hangs up*

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