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She Doesn’t Quite Appreciate Your Tune

, , , , , , | Right | November 17, 2022

I am a piano and organ salesman. Yes, I’ve heard all the jokes.

A lady comes into the store and proceeds to play (badly) every new piano we have.

Customer: *Loudly proclaiming* “None of these new pianos are any good! They’re all junk!”

Me: “Ma’am, these are Steinways, one of the world’s greatest pianos. I don’t see what the problem is.”

Customer: “My piano at home is much better; I can sing along with it. I can’t sing with these!”

I’m a bit perplexed. Can’t sing along with a new piano? Then, it hits me.

Me: “Ma’am, when’s the last time you had your piano tuned?”

Customer: “It’s never been tuned in all the years I’ve had it! It doesn’t need it!”

The piano had uniformly detuned over the years — not an unusual occurrence in our very dry climate — instead of certain strings detuning.

I offered to set her up with an appointment with our tuner, but she just said, “NO!” and stomped out of the store, complaining about how all our pianos were junk.

You’re Welcome, By The Way

, , , , | Friendly | November 16, 2022

I was walking down the street when I saw a wallet fall out of the pocket of the man walking in front of me.

Me: “Sir? Sir!”

He didn’t turn to look, just kept walking, so I hurried forward, scooped up the wallet, and followed.

Me: “Sir. You dropped your wallet!”

It took me repeating that a second time for him to finally look back and see me holding out his wallet to him.

He scowled as he snatched the wallet out of my hands.

Man: “Why do you have that? Are you trying to steal from me?”

I was kind of shocked by the nasty attitude.

Me: “If I was trying to steal it, I wouldn’t have called out to you or been handing it to you.”

He turned around and got in my face — or tried, given that the top of his head barely cleared my chin.

Man: “You think I’m stupid, huh?”

Me: “I don’t see anything to disprove that theory.”

He stood there for a moment with his face screwed up, like he wasn’t quite sure what I’d just said, before giving a last sneer and turning around and stomping off.

The last I saw of him was him trying to step into the road at the crosswalk when the signal was red and getting honked at, forcing him to scurry back onto the sidewalk.

No Such Thing As A Free Lunch

, , , , | Right | November 14, 2022

This is not my story but my wife’s. She doesn’t tell me many stories due to HIPAA, but I can share this one.

The national company that my wife works for finally decided to give the pharmacists a half-hour for lunch. Five minutes before they close for lunch, a lady comes in with several prescriptions. My wife tells her they’ll be closed until 1:30.

Customer: “Well, I’m a nurse and I don’t get lunch!”

Wife: “They decided to start doing that, so you’ll have to wait.”

Customer: “My husband’s a pharmacist with the board, and he doesn’t get lunch, either.”

Wife: “That’s not my problem.”

Customer: “I transferred my scrips here because the other pharmacy closes for lunch.”

Wife: “They all do. You’re welcome to transfer to the other pharmacy.”

She proceeded to rant, rave, complain, etc.

There are only three pharmacies in our small town, and my wife’s has the best reputation and service.

I asked my wife if she could get in trouble with the board because of the husband being on the board, and she said, “Let him try. I know who he is, and he’s not very popular.”

I love my wife.

He Plays Acid Rock

, , , , | Right | June 1, 2022

I work in a music store. Aside from packs of guitar strings, we also carry individual strings in all the different gauges.

One day, this guitarist comes in and asks to see the string box and proceeds to buy every single string in a particular gauge — for example, every high E in .09.

Me: “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but why do you need so many?”

Customer: “I’m in a road band playing the hotel down the road, and I need so many because the acid in my sweat eats through them so quickly.”

Being a skeptical fellow, I say:

Me: “You’re s***ing me.”

Customer: “Nope, I’ll bring my guitar in tomorrow and show you!”

The next day, he shows up with his Gibson Les Paul (a very expensive electric guitar) that looks like someone poured acid on it in the typical wear areas.

Me: “How old is your guitar?”

Customer: “Two years.”

I was shocked. I’d never seen that kind of damage and haven’t since. It looked far worse than fifty-year-old guitars I’d seen.

Not a bad customer, actually quite a nice guy, but with a problem I’ve never heard of and haven’t seen since!

Misogynists Respect Few Things, But Size Matters

, , , , , | Right | May 16, 2022

I used to work as a stocker at a fairly large grocery store that had numerous smaller versions of said store. Funny enough, I was always looked to as a manager/supervisor by everyone, including those who have been there far longer than I have.

While I was in the backroom sorting merchandise in their sections, one of the senior coworkers comes storming into the back absolutely fuming. I should note that she has been working for the company for several years and is largely considered one of the nicest people ever, but so many people mistake her size and demeanor and push her around. I, on the other hand, am far larger and I use this to my advantage to help with all of the heavier freight.

Coworker: “Hey, you got a second? I need your size for something.”

Me: “Sure, what’s up?”

My coworker explains that a customer started calling her a b**** and demanded to know where a product was located. When she attempted to help the man, he got even more hostile and “demanded to take him to a man who would know where s*** really is.”

Because I highly respect her, my demeanor instantly changed from jolly to a giant on a warpath. I had her show me where the customer was at and to go ahead and tell him that she got someone. I stood at the end of the aisle where he couldn’t see and was trying to get into my “manager” frame of mind.

Coworker: “I got my manager and he’ll be here to assist you shortly.”

Customer: “WHERE THE H*** IS HE THEN?! It’s s*** like this is why you women are so f****** useless!”

At this point, I had enough and came around the corner like a bull out of a chute and beelined for the customer.

Me: *As dark and as intense as I could make my voice.* “WHAT DID YOU SAY?”

The customer turns around and sees a mountain in front of him and knew that mistakes were made. He stumbles over his words, but can’t get them out.

Me: “You have one of two options: You either apologize to her RIGHT NOW and I might let you keep shopping here, or I will literally chase you out. Make your choice.”

The customer absolutely freaked out and bolted for the door. There’s usually an officer present and I reported the customer to him and told him that if that customer ever came back that he was to be turned away immediately. The officer was on super good terms with the coworker and was visibly upset by what happened and so he said that he would chase him off if I pointed him out.