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You Are Taking That Expression Way Too Literally

, , , , , , | Friendly | October 1, 2021

I’m in a production of “Amadeus” for a local theatre and they have decided to help promote the show by having me and the actress playing Constanze be in a car for the State Fair parade. That morning, we get to the staging area to get ready for the parade. I have my costume, but I didn’t get into it at home, not wanting to wear it more than I have to or drive in an eighteenth-century outfit of brocade. They don’t really have any sort of costume changing area, just the bathroom of one of the stores for which we are using the parking lot.

So, having met up with Constanze and gathered my things, I head off to the bathroom… only to realize I have forgotten part of the costume. I head back, get it, and go off to the bathroom again… only to realize I have forgotten yet another part of the costume. I go back to get it. I tell Constanze as I pass her to go back to my car:

Me: “I’d forget my head if it wasn’t attached.”

She laughs a bit since she, too, has a huge number of pieces for her costume, but she has managed to remember everything. Since her car was closer to the bathroom, she has agreed to let me store my street clothes, wig head, etc. in her car.

The parade goes by with me doing my Mozart laugh for a few miles and we get back to the staging area. I get changed back into my regular clothes, tell Stanzi that I’ll see her that evening for the show, and start toward my car with all of my clothes.

Then, I hear her calling me.

Constanze: “[MY NAME]! YOU FORGOT YOUR HEAD!”

I turn around to see her holding up my wig head.

Me: “IT WASN’T ATTACHED!”

They Were Never Going To Pay So Now You Have To

, , , , | Right | July 29, 2021

I had a group of four teenage boys come in right as the lunch rush was beginning. They were laughing and joking with each other, which made it hard to get their actual orders put in, and led to the line backing up as they took up my register. Finally, I got all of their orders in the system.

Me: “Okay, your price is [Price]. Cash or card?”

The kid who had been the spokesman for the group had turned back towards his group, and all four of them started walking away at that point.

Me: “Sir? Sir! Kid, you still need to pay!”

Nothing. All four of them just wandered off to go sit at a table.

Me: *To the kitchen* “Cancel the order.”

I cancelled it out in the system and then moved on to handle the next customer. We got through the line and everything had died down somewhat, and then one of the teens came up.

Teen: “Hey! Where’s our food?”

Me: “You never paid, so we never made it.”

Teen: “We pay afterward.”

Me: “No, you pay now or you don’t get food.”

He made a face at me and stormed back to the table. They continued to sit around, glaring up at the registers every so often, before they went over to the condiment counter and made a mess with the sauces and knocked over a stack of trays, and then they all stomped out.

Quid Stultus

, , , , , | Learning | July 10, 2021

I’m new to this school. I’m Latina. I’m talking to a girl when she says this gem.

Girl: “Say something in Latin!”

Me: “Er… what?”

Girl: “You know, Latin! Your language!”

Me: “Um, I don’t know any Latin.”

Girl: “But you’re Latina!”

Girl’s Friend: “[Girl], she speaks Spanish, not Latin. Latin was the language of ancient Rome.”

The girl just looked confused.

No Longer At Your Service

, , , , , , | Working | June 24, 2021

I have a service dog that I bring everywhere with me. My parents own a Mexican restaurant, but I’m almost never in it because my mother is crazy. One day, I have to go in to talk to my father, and a new employee stops me at the door.

Employee: “No dogs allowed!”

Me: “He’s a service dog, you have to—”

Employee: “Leave!”

Me: “Dad!”

My dad comes out.

Me: “Can you please explain to her the laws about service dogs?”

Dad: “[Employee]?”

Employee: “I have already told several people that there are no dogs allowed!”

Dad: “[Employee], I’m surprised at you. Wait. How many people did you send away?”

It turns out that there is some kind of conference about medical laws going on in Albuquerque, and she has sent away at least a dozen service dog owners. 

Dad: “I can’t believe this! You’ll ruin our reputation, and you tried to send away my son! You’re fired!”

The waitress burst into tears and tried to backtrack, but Dad was having none of it. He told two other employees to make sure she packed up and left, which she did, all the while begging for her job back.

Idle Children Are The Devil’s Playthings

, , , , , , | Right | May 13, 2021

I am in a store, shopping for my weekly groceries, when I feel a sharp hit on the back of my leg. I turn around, and a kid is kicking and hitting me repeatedly. I look over for a parent. Everyone here is now looking at the kid except for one couple; they’re arguing over whether a certain yogurt is organic or not.

Me: “Can you please stop hitting and kicking me?”

Kid: “No! I do what I want ’cause Mommy says I’m an angel!”

Other Woman: “More like a little devil.”

Eventually, the parents stopped arguing and moved to another aisle, and the boy followed them. Later on, I told an employee what happened. She sighed and told me she knew exactly who I meant. The boy had attacked other customers before, but nothing was ever done because no employee could catch him in the act. 

I really hope those parents wake up from Fantasyland soon.