Recipe’s Frozen In Place

, , , , , , , | Working | November 14, 2017

(I work with my sister at a vegan bakery. It’s her first job. It is January, so typically cold. I show up the first day before sunrise and it is freezing inside — literally. The building is separate from the main restaurant.)

Me: “Why is it so cold?”

Sister: “Oh, the owner doesn’t have heat installed in here. Don’t worry; it kind of warms up after a few hours when we turn the oven on.”

(Later, I start to mix a recipe with a spoon.)

Sister: “Oh, no, if the owner comes back here and sees that, we get in trouble. We have to use our bare hands.”

Me: “Seriously? Bare hands? And it’s all freezing?”

Sister: “Yeah, otherwise we get yelled at and she starts coming back here a lot more to check.”

(Another day the owner came back and hurriedly LOCKED US IN. There were bars on the window; we literally couldn’t get out if there was a fire. She did this for several days because, as we found out later, the health inspector was around and she didn’t want him to know that building was in use. It’s really hard to find a baking job, so my little sister begged me not to say anything. I got my revenge quite unintentionally. On one of my last few days, it was so cold I wore my longest coat. I got so many glares from the owner and the staff in the actual kitchen, all family members, and I couldn’t figure out why. Then I realized: they are all Hindu. My coat? A calf-length white LEATHER trench coat. Oops. Shortly after I moved on, my sister gave up as well. She made new recipes for things like their tea cookies, following all vegan guidelines, but they were rejected because, “They didn’t taste vegan,” “They weren’t hard enough,” and, “No one would believe they were vegan.” After she left, someone sued because the cookies were so hard they broke a tooth.)

No Starting Point Means No Finish

, , , , | Right | November 6, 2017

(I work in a local tile shop. We are in an industrial area that is a little out of the way, so people call for directions a lot, even though the Internet gives perfectly fine directions.)

Customer: *on phone* “How do I get to your store?”

Me: “Where are you starting from?”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I need to know where you are starting from to give you accurate directions. You can be vague, such as just saying ‘the foothills’ or telling me the local major cross streets.”

Customer: “I don’t understand why you need that information.”

Me: “I can’t give accurate directions without it, because I might accidentally send you in the wrong direction. I live in on the Westside, so directions for how I get here would get someone from the Eastside lost.”

Customer: “That doesn’t make sense.”

Me: “Okay. I have to travel south to get here, and then go east. If you live south from us, you would have to go north. If you live east, you would need to go west. I need to know which direction to send you in order to get here.”

Customer: “That still doesn’t mean any sense. Just give me directions.”

Me: “Can you at least tell me the nearest major intersection to you?”

Customer: “Just give me directions!”

Me: “Okay. Do you know where [Major Street #1] is?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Are you close to [Major Interstate that goes right through town]?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you know where [Major Street #2] is?”

Customer: “Yes. “

Me: “Okay. Do you live to the east or west of that street?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “On the side closest to the mountain or the other side?”

Customer: “Close to it.”

Me: “Okay. Go south on [Major Street #2] and turn right onto [Major Street #3], and we are at the far end of the block.”

Customer: “Okay. I don’t know why that took you so long.” *hangs up*

Why Not? You Blame Him For Everything Else

, , , , , | Right | October 26, 2017

(After opening an account for a customer, I realize that I am missing some information. Banking regulations require us to get the account holder’s job title, or in this customer’s situation, a previous job title, as he is retired.)

Me: *on the phone* “Sir, I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m going to need your job title from before you retired.”

Customer: “Both my wife and I worked at [National Scientific Lab].”

Me: “Yes, sir, but I will also need to get your job title, as well.”

Customer: “Is this because of Obama?!”

Me: “No, sir, these are just banking regulations. I am required to get this information.”

Customer: “Why, though?!”

Me: “That’s just what is required of me. I’m sorry if it causes any inconveniences.”

Customer: “Are you sure Obama isn’t making you do this?”

Me: “Yes, sir. As far as I know, I’ve never talked to the President about banking regulations.”

A Raw Sample Of General Customers

, , , , , | Right | October 16, 2017

(I am working as a sample demonstrator in a popular store, making fish.)

Customer: “I want a sample.”

Me: “They should be finished cooking in about ten minutes! If you want to finish shopping, I will make sure to save you a piece!”

Customer: “Excuse me? I want a sample.”

Me: “I am sorry, ma’am, but it’s going to take about ten minutes. As I said, if you would like to finish your shopping, I will save you a piece.”

Customer: “Will you hurry up? I just want to try the fish.”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s still ten minutes from finishing.”

Customer: “Why are you not serving me?”

Me: “I have already stated it will take ten more minutes for the fish to be cooked.”

Customer: “Just cut me a piece!”

Me: “Ma’am. I cannot serve raw fish.”

Customer: “I. Want. A. Sample.”

Me: “And in ten minutes, you can get one. I am not serving you frozen, raw fish.”

Customer: “Well, you lost a sale!” *storms off*

Coworker: “Does that happen to you often?”

Me: “Every. Day.”

How To Order A Sinking Feeling

, , , , , | Right | October 4, 2017

(I work in a home improvement store. A customer is looking at a specially-made sink.)

Customer: “I want two of these!”

Me: “Okay, I can order those for you! It should take about two weeks for them to come in, but we offer free delivery.”

Customer: “No, I want them now.”

Me: “Well, these ones are specially made and hand painted at the time of order. We do not carry them in stock.”

Customer: “But I want them.”

Me: “I can get them to you in two weeks. We offer free delivery and no freight charges on the order itself.”

Customer: “No, I want them now. Give me this one.”

Me: “Ma’am, that is a display model. It belongs to the store.”

Customer: “Well, I want to buy it.”

Me: “I cannot sell you a display model. I can order the sinks for you and request a rush, but since they are handmade, it probably won’t change the time much more than two or three days.”

Customer: “This is utter B.S. I came in here to give you my money for these sinks, so give me the sinks.”

Me: “They have to be ordered. Made at the time of order. We don’t carry them in stock.”

Customer: “So, I can leave with them, right?”

Me: “In two weeks, yes.”

Customer: “So, if I come back in two weeks, you will have these?”

Me: “Does that mean you would like to order them?”

Customer: “Why do I have to order them?”

Me: “…”

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