It’s Your Money, But You’re HER Son!

, , , , , | Learning | January 27, 2021

I work every Tuesday at my kid’s middle school store. An eighth-grader that I know comes up and asks for $13 worth of gummy fruit snacks.

Me: “That’s a lot of fruit snacks. Are you going to share with all your friends?”

Eighth-Grader: “No, I’m eating them all for lunch.”

Me: “But you have braces, and I’m going to see your Mom on Friday. Do you think she’ll want to hear this?”

Eighth-Grader: “I don’t care; it’s my money.”

Friday, I see his mom and tell her. 

Mom: “So, that’s why he had a stomach ache and wouldn’t eat dinner!”

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No Cream Or Sugar Is Sweetening This Guy’s Attitude

, , , , | Right | January 15, 2021

A man comes through the drive-thru and orders coffee and a sandwich. We’re not a place that makes the coffee how you want; we just put cream and sugar in the bag. He comes to the window to pay.

Me: “Do you need cream or sugar?”

Customer: “No, it’s fine by itself.”

About three minutes later, he comes into the store, angrily asking for a manager.

Manager: “How can I help you, sir?”

He shoves his coffee at her.

Customer: “What do you think is wrong with my coffee?!”

It looks like simple, plain black coffee.

Manager: “What do you think is wrong with it, sir?

Customer: “When I order coffee, I expect these idiots to make it exactly how I want it. This is black; I need my coffee with lots of sugar and cream! I want a refund! This is bulls***!”

My manager points over to the coffee stuff.

Manager: “Why don’t you go make it yourself, idiot?”

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You’ll Want To Take A Shower After This One

, , , , , , | Working | October 13, 2020

This happened recently at our local grocery store during the health crisis.

This store has been great at protecting staff and customers. You must wear a mask in the store, they sanitize the carts and belts between customers, and the cashiers stand behind plastic barriers.

The other day, I was waiting in line behind another customer. The customer left and I noticed the cashier didn’t wipe down the belt.

Okay, no big deal; we all forget sometimes. I loaded my stuff anyway and moved up to pay.

I noticed the cashier had the sniffles. Umm, okay, maybe it’s allergies. I have them, too.

We got to the last of my stuff. The cashier started pulling on her mask and then kept touching my stuff without using sanitizer. I started getting a little concerned.

She scanned the last of my stuff, and then she pulled her mask down to her chin, coughed into her hand, and then reached over to the belt to move an open bag of grapes that an older man had placed on the belt behind my stuff. Then, with the same hand, she grabbed my receipt and tried to hand it to me.

Yeah, I definitely did not take my receipt that day. I usually don’t sanitize my groceries, but I did that day. I’m sorry about the older guy behind me if the cashier was really sick. I haven’t seen her since.

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A Mountain Of Estúpido

, , , , | Right | September 28, 2020

I grew up on the border and speak Spanish as a result. After graduating from college, I moved to a small mountain tourist town, where I work in the Visitor and Conference Center. Most of our tourists come from Texas and Oklahoma, who want to ski in the winter or escape the heat in the summer.

This conversation happens one afternoon when I’m alone in the office.

Tourist: “What is this mountain range called?”

Me: “The Sangre de Cristo Mountains.”

Tourist: *Angrily* “You know that means ‘Blood of Christ,’ right?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I speak Spanish.”

Tourist: “Well, why don’t you call it by its name?!”

I am not sure if he’s serious.

Me: “I did call them by their name, sir. A Spanish explorer named them.”

The tourist turned red and marched out. His wife still bought a couple of maps, while looking rather amused at the whole thing.

Totally Estupido, Part 13
Totally Estupido, Part 12
Totally Estupido, Part 11
Totally Estupido, Part 10
Totally Estupido, Part 9

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Don’t Offer Her Your Two Cents; She’d Take It

, , , , , , | Working | September 24, 2020

I worked in retail in the late 1980s. One of my coworkers was an unbelievably stingy woman. Amongst the many examples I can give you: she would pay in exact change for anything, would walk a mile in the rain to save two cents on groceries, go to thrift stores or haggle to buy clothes for her children — and always at least a size too small, I noticed — and would wear the same outfit every day until it fell apart or she really needed a shower. Speaking of which, she would use soap from the employee bathroom during breaks instead of buying her own. Here are some memorable instances of her penny-pinching.

When we were being given a raise of $3.50 a day, she asked, “Could you possibly give me this week’s money in advance? I need to buy extra gas.”

My boss asked, “Why?”

She replied that her daughter needed a new Girl Scout uniform. When he said he couldn’t do this, she said, “Fine, I’ll sort it out myself.”

When I saw her daughter delivering Girl Scout cookies, she was wearing a uniform with a massive tear underneath her armpit and dried mud on the hem. I asked her why and she shrugged, saying, “Mom said she can’t afford to sew it up.”

Now, my family wasn’t poor by any stretch of the imagination. True, my coworker worked in retail, but her ex-husband earned more than enough to pay alimony checks. I asked why she hadn’t asked him for more and was told that she didn’t want to spend money on a stamp.

Another example is when we were holding a Christmas celebration. I had brought in a box of chocolates, as everyone was bringing their own food. There was quite a bit leftover, and even a quiche that had been out-of-date; the person who had brought it in had misread the label and threw it in the trash. Guess what happened to the leftover food? That’s right; my coworker took it all home. She said to me, “Why waste going to the grocery when this perfectly good food is enough to feed me for at least a day? Roughly three meals, to be exact.”

I had never heard of anyone who ate crackers, chicken Kiev, or quiche for breakfast, but there you go. She also took half my box of chocolates, in case you’re interested.

But what really took the biscuit didn’t happen at work, specifically. I was carpooling my own kids to soccer practice and had offered to take my coworker’s son, as well; I promised that I would give him a uniform as my own kids had outgrown theirs. I arrived back at the house with its overgrown front yard and saw that my coworker had stapled the curtains together in the front room and duct-taped cardboard over her kids’ window.

When I asked why, she told me, “Why bother getting a blind when this is much cheaper?” or something like that.

My coworker lived in a two-story house with excellent plumbing and heating and in a good area, but she washed laundry in the bathtub, sometimes after her children had been in it, collected bottles and cans that the family used and sold them to a recycling plant — not that that is a bad idea in itself — had oranges on forks as an after-dinner treat, made her daughter give her all of her babysitting money when she grew old enough to go on a regular basis, let a graffiti mark on the ceiling stay there for ten years, gave her son a Barbie backpack for high school because it was going for cheap at the retail and made him keep it for four years, and broke the handle off the freezer door and never got it fixed.

However, she died ten years ago at a relatively young age and left each of her children $70,000. So I guess that’s something.

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