(My best friend lives in Southeast Asia, and we try to meet up whenever possible. This year it’s my turn to fly to her. I have to fly to LAX airport in California, spend one night, then board a new flight the next morning. One thing I always like to do is bring her some of her favorite snacks that she can’t buy where she lives, so my carry-on backpack is stuffed with snacks that I’ve confirmed are allowed on the flight — no liquids, etc. One of these snacks is a particular brand of pork rinds that are made by a local company we’d always buy in college. Recently they came out with a new flavor — sea salt and vinegar — which I know she’ll love, so I bought her the biggest bag I could find. As I am going through security at LAX, my backpack gets pulled for a more thorough inspection. I have plenty of time to get to my flight, so I’m not worried. The TSA agent opens my bag and his eyes bug out at the amount of food I have Tetris-packed in there. It turns out, they need to check the seal on the can of mixed nuts I’ve packed and test the outside of it. I guess sealed cans like that are a good place for illegal items? Anyway, the TSA agent is putting the snacks back in my bag when he spots the pork rinds.)

TSA Agent: “What are these?”

Me: *thinking: “It says right there on the label.”* “Salt and vinegar pork rinds.”

TSA Agent: “What?”

Me: “They’re pork rinds, but salt and vinegar flavor. I’m taking them for a friend to try.”

TSA Agent: “Yeah, I’ve had pork rinds. I’ve just never seen anything like that.” *looks at me like I’ve committed some act of witchcraft*

Me: *out of explanations, I shrug* “I’m from the South?”

TSA Agent: “Oh! Well, that makes sense.”

(He seemed happy with my answer, put the pork rinds back in my bag, and handed it to me. The rest of the trip went smoothly, and my friend was delighted with her snack haul.)

(I work for a federal agency that takes phone calls from people all over the USA who need assistance in applying for passports.)

Customer: “Hello, I would like to make an appointment to come to the Los Angeles passport office to get a passport.”

Me: “Certainly. Where are you planning to travel?”

Customer: “Oh, I am traveling all over. To China, to Japan, then to Indonesia!”

Me: “Great. Okay, I am sorry but right now I can’t get you an appointment at the Los Angeles office. However, I can make an appointment for you at the San Diego office.”

(San Diego is about a two-hour drive from Los Angeles, and in the same state, California.)

Customer: “What? San Diego? No way am I going there! That’s too far away!”

(I go on various forums for expats living in Japan, looking for advice.)

Me: “Hello. I am a woman from Latin America moving to Japan for work. The company hiring me already told me I should bring fitted sheets from home since they are very expensive in Japan. Are there any other things I should bring, so as to not make my move too expensive?”

Person #1: “Japan is a first world country; you can get anything here.”

Person #2: “Japan is way more technological than that.”

Person #3: “Japan does have some things that are more expensive, but you can get anything here.”

Person #4: “There are more things here than where you live, lol.”

(So far, not one useful answer.)

(I call the travel agency that books our flights for work.)

Me: “Hi. I’d like to book a flight from Chicago to Brasilia on October 20th, please.”

Travel Agent: “No problem. What city?”

Me: “Brasilia.”

Travel Agent: “Yes, but what city?”

Me: *slowly and pronouncing every syllable* “Bra-si-li-a.”

Travel Agent: “But what city in Brazil?”

Me: “Brasilia… the capital… of Brazil.”

Travel Agent: “Oh…”

Related:
No Vocation For Location, Part 21
No Vocation For Location, Part 20
No Vocation For Location, Part 19

(We get a lot of Americans visiting our restaurant while on holiday.)

American Customer: “May I ask you a question?”

Me: “Of course, sir.”

American Customer: “What is that?” *points to the wall behind me*

Me: *looking* “That’s a clock, sir.”

American Customer: “Oh, a c-lock.” *he and his wife take pictures of it on their phones*

(I sincerely hope he was joking.)