Extra Nerve-ous

, | Healthy | November 27, 2017

(I’m deadly afraid of dentists, but one day I finally get the courage to go see one for a routine check up. They tell me I need to get my wisdom teeth removed and we set up an appointment.)

Me: “Please be patient.”

Dentist: “This will not hurt at all in a few minutes, after the anaesthetic kicks off.”

(He gives me three injections. A few minutes later he pokes me with an instrument.)

Me: “Aaaah!”

Dentist: “Okay, more anaesthetic.”

(He gives me another injection, waits a few more minutes, then pokes me with an instrument.)

Me: “OUCH, OUCH, OUCH!”

Dentist: “Don’t lie; it doesn’t hurt.”

Me: “Please, I swear it does.”

Dentist: “I can’t give you any more anaesthetic. Go home and come back next week. Take a valium.”

(One week and one valium later:)

Dentist: “I gave you all the anaesthetic I can. Stop crying for nothing.”

(In extreme pain, I manage to get to the opening of the area around the tooth, then he begins pulling.)

Me: “No more! Please stop!”

Dentist: “Just a bit more. Let me pull some more. It doesn’t hurt.”

Me: *refusing to open my mouth any more* “No.”

(The dentist even called my mom, and she screamed at me to stop being a wuss. Still, I refused to get anything else and he was forced to close the gap and let me go. He was kind enough to recommend another dentist with access to morphine. Thankfully the new dentist thought that my problem was probably that I had an extra nerve around that area. He gave me a normal anaesthetic where he thought it was and took out the tooth without so much as a peep from me. The lesson is: trust yourself.)

Unbuckled Parenting Techniques

, , , , | Related | October 11, 2017

(I work at a school and am bringing a kid out to be picked up, followed by a bunch of other kids who are also waiting for their parents. My school has an office and waiting area right in front, where parents can park to pick up their kids, and in the middle there is a ramp where kids come out from. It’s raining heavily and the pickup area, despite having a roof, is very wet.)

Me: *opening the door to the outside* Oh, [Student]! They are here to pick you up, I think. Who is that lady in the car?”

Student: “My mom.”

(The mom makes a horrible face at me.)

Me: “Great!”

(I open the back door and help [Student] in.)

Mom: *turns around from the front seat and screams* “I almost slipped on your s***ty floor.”

(I’m shocked by her language and turn to look at her eight-year-old. He looks down, obviously scared.)

Mom: “There.” *points to the offices* “I came in and almost slipped. I told the b**** inside that if my kid slips here, I will sue each one of you. I will sue the s*** out of this f****** school and you all will be out of a f****** job. And she ignored me, that b****. And you better hear me. Can you hear me, b***? If my son slips, I will leave you on the street.”

(She keeps screaming. I don’t even know what to answer as I look at [Student] and try, miserably, to buckle him up.)

Me: *interrupting her* “Excuse me, the seat belt seems to be stuck behind the seat. [Student], could you please move to the other side so I can buckle you up? I wouldn’t want you to leave without the seat belt on.”

Mom: *now furious at being interrupted* “Who cares about a d*** seat belt?! Get a life, you b****. I have things to do! Leave him like that and go get a mop to clean! This s***ty school charges too much and only hires b****es. Go work!”

(I hardly have time to close the door before the car speeds away, with [Student] unbuckled. So much for her child’s safety. I have never seen this mom before, but I do know that this is the second time in two years that she has picked up her son. Usually, he stays up to four hours after exit time waiting for her, and she always sends random people to pick him up: boyfriends, aunts, friends, etc. We have to call every time to ask if they are allowed. I tell my boss about this incident. The floor was dry. Apparently, the lady came in with her wet high heels and slipped on the smooth floor.)

Boss: “Don’t worry; she threatens to sue us all the time.”

(And before you ask, the father tried to get custody of the boy. He got it for a while and it was great. But she got it back. Poor [Student].)

If Your Prostate Is There It Needs To Be Checked!

, , , | Related | July 31, 2017

(My mom has a tendency to not believe things I tell her in general. But this one takes the cake. In the car, on the way home from the gynecologist:)

Me: “I hate going to the gyno so much. Men are so lucky they don’t have to suffer through this.”

Mom: “Oh! But men have it worse. They need to get their prostates checked.”

Me: “Yeah, but that’s just one finger. And when they are like 40.”

Mom: “But a finger in their… ‘peepee hole!'”

Me: “WHAT?! MOM, NO!” *I explain the process*

Mom: “No, no… you are just making that up. How are they going to reach the prostate from there?”

(Six years later, she still believes this.)