(Let it be known that there are only two ways to get to Catalina Island: by boat or by helicopter.)

Me: “[Hotel]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation. And when’s the earliest we can check in?”

Me: “Normally not until noon but we may be able to make an exception. When is your boat scheduled to arrive?”

Customer: “Oh, no, we’re not coming by boat.”

Me: “Okay, helicopter, then?”

Customer: “Oh, no, that’s silly.”

Me: “Well, may I ask how your planning to get here?”

Customer: “Down the 405, duh!”

Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t drive to Catalina Island.”

Customer: “You can’t?”

Me: “No, it’s an island. You know, surrounded by water.”

Customer: “Catalina Island is an ISLAND?!”

Me: *headdesk*

This story is part of our 3rd Terrible At Geography roundup!

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(I’m a flight attendant doing my pre-takeoff check-in the cabin. A man stops me and gestures to the small digital camera sitting in the seat next to him.)

Passenger: “Is it okay if my camera is here for the flight?”

Me: “Sure, sir. That will be fine.”

Passenger: “But shouldn’t I put it in the overhead bin?”

Me: “It should be fine there, but if you’re worried about it falling on the floor during landing you could put it in the overhead bin.”

Passenger: “But after takeoff, won’t it start floating around the cabin?”

Me: “Well, sir, just hold on to it. Once we slingshot around the moon, it will be fine.”

This story is part of our Space roundup!

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(I had just finished giving a 45-minute tour about a certain “mysterious” spot that causes people to supposedly feel dizzy and stand at strange angles.)

Tourist: “So do the birds feel the effects of the mystery?”

Me: “Well they don’t appear to fly funny, but it’s possible.”

Tourist: “…but do they FEEL the effects?”

Me: “Well, I don’t really know because I can’t exactly ask them how they feel. They are birds.”

Tourist: “I just wanna know if they feel the effects!”

Me: “Hold on, I’ll go ask them.” *walks away*

(I am a naturalist on a semi-submersible vessel for a summer in Alaska. The passengers get to sit in the bottom section of the boat, six feet below the waterline, looking out of large windows. Over the course of the summer I get a couple of fun questions.)

Tourist #1: “Hey, where are all the tropical fish?”

Me: *blink* “Um, in the tropics, sir. This is Alaska.”

Tourist #2: “Are we going to see any bears?”

Me: *looking out the windows at fields of kelp and bored-looking rockfish* “Sorry, no. We haven’t been able to get them to use the scuba equipment without chewing through it yet.”

Me: “Good afternoon, AV Services, how can I help you?”

Very Angry Caller: “Yeah, I just flew in on Flight [Number] from Cleveland, and you lost my luggage.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have the wrong number. This is the [University].”

Very Angry Caller: “No it’s not! You’re just saying that!”

Me: “No, really, sir. Our phone number is very close to the airport’s number.”

Very Angry Caller: “LISTEN! YOU LOST MY D*** LUGGAGE! YOU NEED TO FIND IT!”

Me: “Sir, I don’t have your luggage.”

Very Angry Caller: “STOP F****** LYING! I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR!”

Me: “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have your luggage either. We could probably get you a DVD player or a slide projector.”

(Very Angry Caller starts cussing randomly. I hang up.)