(A customer calls from London because he needs some help checking in for his flight back to Athens.)
Customer: “Hello. I’m trying to check in online but the site is not working right.”
Me: “I’m afraid the online check-in service will be available four hours from now.”
Customer: “Is it four hours in Greek time or English time?”
Me: “You know, time doesn’t work like that.”
(Overheard from a customer nearby:)
Customer: “Three for a flight to Oyygiinnee.”
(The last two syllables are the same as the word “agony.”)
Agent: “I’m sorry, where?”
Customer: “OYY… GIIN… NEE.”
Agent: “I’m sorry, could you spell or write that out?”
Customer: *writes*
Agent: “Okay, so, Eugene, Oregon?”
(We run an adults-only holiday services. We’ve got many packages and advertise ourselves very clearly as such. No kids allowed. If people call in asking about bringing their children along, we usually give them the numbers of several family-friendly travel services that offer resorts near to ours. Most customers thank us for this. This one, however…)
Caller: “I want to book [holiday package] for [dates].”
Me: “How many people is this for?”
Caller: “Two adults and two children under the age of ten.”
Me: “Oh, sorry, none of our holiday packages accommodate children. For family holidays, can I recommend—”
Caller: “Shut up! We want to go to your resort!”
Me: “We offer adults-only destinations, so I’m afraid you will not be able to travel there with your children. There is a resort nearby that is very good and is family friendly, and I can give you the number for the travel agent—”
Caller: “SHUT UP! I KNOW THIS! I know it’s adults-only; that’s why we want to go!”
Me: “Then you understand you cannot bring your children along?”
Caller: “NO, YOU DUMB B****! That’s why we want to go! We want a nice quiet family holiday without other people’s screaming brats ruining it!”
Me: “I’m sorry, we cannot book children into this resort. The one nearby that does accept children is—”
Caller: “WELL, THEN, JUST BOOK ME AND MY HUSBAND! We’ll just turn up with the kids, as well! What would you do, then, huh? You’d have to let them stay! You couldn’t leave children on their own!”
Me: “The resort would simply not let you in, and would probably direct you to the family one nearby.”
Caller: “AND IF WE DON’T WANT TO GO THERE?! Huh? You going to throw us onto the next plane back home?”
Me: “Not personally, no, but they might.”
Caller: “Book it for me and my husband, then. We’ll just get the kids there ourselves.”
Me: “I’m not booking this for you. Our holidays are for people with no children to destinations where there will be no children.”
Caller: “Pfft, right. What kind of adult doesn’t have kids?”
Me: “Me, my husband, and most of the staff here.”
Caller: *hangs up*
(I left a note on the computer system stating to be very careful if that caller tried to book a holiday with us, since they’d threatened to drag their kids along, too. Seriously, though, who books their kids onto an international flight knowing they haven’t booked accommodation for them at the other end?!)
(I am waiting to make vacation arrangements. The customer in front of me is being helped.)
Customer: “I’d like to take a vacation on [dates].”
Agent: “Certainly, sir! Where would you like to go on your vacation?”
Customer: “I’m going to Man-ass.”
Agent: “Where?”
Customer: “MAN-ASS!”
Agent: “I don’t know of any city by that name, sir.”
Customer: “I went there last year! Man-ass! It’s down in Bolivia!”
Agent: “Did you mean Manaus, Brazil?”
(She tilts her computer screen so he can see.)
Customer: “Yes! Man-ass! Can you get me there?”
Agent: “Certainly, sir.” *she types a few things into her computer, then prints a sheet of paper* “One trip to Manaus on [dates]; the price is [price].”
(The man cheerfully pays. As he leaves, he pumps his fist in the air.)
Customer: “Yes! I’m going to have a great time in Man-ass!”
(I answer the phone.)
Caller: “Hello! This is [Caller] from [Travel Club]! I’m calling to tell you that you have been upgraded to a platinum level!”
Me: “Thank you. What does that mean?”
Caller: “I have no idea. Let me transfer you to my manager.”
(Pause.)
Manager: “How can I help you?”
Me: “It wasn’t meant to be a difficult question. I just wondered what I get for being a platinum member?”
Manager: “Nothing, really. But because you asked, I’ll give you a free year’s travel insurance, too. All right?”
Me: “Um, sure. Yeah. Thanks.”
Manager: “Goodbye!”
