I’m putting together a European trip for a newly-retired couple going on their first trip in a while.

Me: “Okay, so let’s talk hotels.”

Caller: “Yes, we were on YouTube, and we liked the look of the Incontinence.”

Me: “The… Incon… what now?”

Caller: “The Incontinence. Is that how you say it? We’re not good with languages. Is it pronounced In-con-tineau or something?”

Me: “Did you mean the Intercontinental?”

Caller: “Now that you mention it, that sounds better than what I said.”

Anything would have been better than what he said!

Still, it’s not as bad as that guy who called, who wanted to stay in The White Lotus and “specifically that room with the pool where all those women banged”.

I’m explaining an itinerary for a European trip that a customer is interested in booking.

Me: “And then the Normandy tour continues to Omaha Beach.”

Customer: “Omaha has a beach?”

Me: “Uh, no. Omaha Beach is a beach in Normandy that played a big part in World War 2. There’s a big historical monument there, and—”

Customer: “—I’ve been to Omaha, and there’s no beach!”

Me: “Again, ma’am, I’m not talking about the city of Omaha in Nebraska. This is part of the European tour, remember? I’m talking about France.”

Customer: “Well, tell France to stop copying us!”

Me: “…anyway, after that you visit the—”

Customer: “—Do we go to Pearl Harbor on this trip?”

I think I am being trolled at this point, but nothing in her behavior indicates this.

Me: “Pearl Harbor is in Hawaii, ma’am. This is a European tour, remember?”

Customer: “Oh. Well, you mentioned World War 2, and I know Pearl Harbor was that.”

Me: “World War 2, as implied by the name, was fought all over the world, ma’am. It happened in Europe as well as Hawaii.”

Customer: “That’s the one that the Japanese bombed, right?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Did they bomb Boston harbor?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “…”

The rest of the conversation was like this. She did not book the trip.

Customer: “I’d like to go to Oklahoma, please.”

Me: “Of course. What day would you like to go?”

Customer: *Gives me the date.*

Me: “All right, what time would you prefer?”

Customer: “I’d like a matinee.”

Me: “…”

Then the light dawned… The travel agency I work at is in a department store in the services area, opposite a desk that sells theater and event tickets.

Me: “Did you want to go see the show ‘Oklahoma’?”

Customer: “Yes…?”

I then pointed her to the ticket desk, across the room.

Most of our clients are typically “I am just here to ask, I don’t buy” type of people. I think everyone who works in tourism knows what I’m talking about. One day, my coworker and I are sitting in our office when a lady walks in. I invite her to my desk and ask her what brings her here.

Customer: “I want to visit [Country] for a week, all inclusive, by plane, all by myself. Do you have anything for the end of July?”

I start searching for what she wants and start offering her our recommended hotels. It starts at about €650-€700, I think? Let me be clear, that’s a price for a week’s stay in a good four- or five-star hotel, with additional 20 kg luggage on top of carry-on, a transfer from the airport to the hotel and from the hotel to the airport, basic insurance, and resident care. Also, it is in the middle of the season for this country, so I don’t think that’s a bad price.

Customer: “No, that’s too expensive! Don’t you have anything cheaper? Like around €500?”

That is a big difference. But whatever. I start to check other hotels, but it is a downgrade. I offer her a few three-star hotels, and I print the offer out for her, when suddenly she asks:

Customer: “Does the hotel have an elevator?”

She did not mention anything about it before. But I quickly check, and they do have them, so we are in the clear.

Customer: “What about deck chairs? Towels?”

Me: “[Country] does not offer it in their packages typically, so you’ll have to pay a small fine to rent them out.”

Customer: “Why are you withholding the good places from me?!”

I try to explain calmly, but she doesn’t listen. Only when my coworker steps in does she relent.

Customer: “Is the plane flying directly?”

Me: “It does, there is no stopover.”

She leaves.

Due to my university exams, I am out for a few days, and when I come back, my coworker tells me that the lady called to ask more questions. She then asked about one hotel’s half-board option (it usually includes a breakfast and late lunch/early dinner) and is mad that, at least in the majority of Europe, half-board only includes drinks during breakfast (again, standard issue) and then has a bright idea to bring in a thermos so she can fill it up at breakfast and drink it during the day. At this point, I check the price difference to see how much it costs to have all-inclusive versus half-board.

Me: “The difference is literally €20.”

Coworker: “That’s not the best thing yet. She was mad that the plane was landing at [Airport].”

Me: “But that’s the closest one! Like ten kilometres from her hotel.”

Coworker: “Yeah, but we said it was a direct flight.”

Record scratch moment.

Me: “Does she… Does she think that ‘direct flight’ means that the plane will land at the hotel?”

Coworker: “Yes, exactly. She is mad because, “She wanted a plane, so she won’t have to cramp into the bus”, and, “What difference is there between going there by bus—” *also a popular option for this destination* “—and by plane?”

Well, if she sees no difference between sixteen-plus hour bus travel and a three-hour flight, and like half an hour bus travel…

Related:
That Doesn’t Fly With Any Level Of Reality

My Aunt has been a travel agent for over forty years. She has some far-fetched stories which I refused to believe until I became a travel agent myself. This is one of them.

My aunt had a new client come in and book herself a flight overseas in the late 1980s. Immediately, this client was very demanding and frighteningly specific in her needs. She had never travelled before, but had an event she had to attend.

Client: “So, can you tell me what aircraft I’ll be flying? And how big are the seats? Do I really need a passport to go to France? And it needs to be a smoking flight, but none of those cheap brands, and how many bags can I take? Can you make sure they will take proper American money? Will they be speaking foreign? Do I need to take my own toilet paper? All these countries are so backwards. And…”

My Aunt ended up writing everything down – where to go in the airport, flight times, airlines, who to ask if you get lost, parking, how to go through security, how to request a seat, how long she had to be there beforehand, what the meals would likely be, how long the flight was. Everything.

Well… almost everything.

The day after the flight was due to depart, my aunt receives a hysterical phone call from the client.

Aunt: “Hello [Travel Agency], how can we help?”

Client: “It’s [Client] and I want my money back! You’ve ripped me off! How dare you do this to me!”

Aunt: “What happened? Where are you?”

Client: “I’m at home! The flight never came!”

Aunt: “Was the flight delayed? I can ring the airline now and find out what happ—”

Client: “No, they never picked me up!”

Aunt: “What do you mean? You didn’t book transfers as you said you would get to the airport yourself?”

Client: “The plane never picked me up! I waited on the sidewalk all day, and they never came!”

Aunt: “What?! The flight doesn’t pick you up from home? This is why I gave you directions to the airport, where to park—”

Client: “I threw all that parking stuff out because I have paid for a flight! They should be picking me up!”

Yup, the client was convinced that the 747 would just land on her driveway and she would embark from there. No amount of convincing from my aunt, her manager, the owner, the airline representatives, or anyone else would convince the client that planes don’t collect from any houses anywhere. When the client was asked if she had seen any other planes land on her street, the client asserted that no one else flew!

She did not get a refund.