Me: Thank you for calling XYZ Cruise lines..my name is () how can I help you?

TA: hello I want to add on gratuities

Me: sure…

TA: wait.. wait ….WAIT ….can you HOLD for me one second while I take this other call?

Me: silence..ta puts me on hold.

TA: hello, hello, HELLO are you there?

Me: yes, I was holding.

Ta: I want to pre pay gratuties.

Me: Can I have the booking number please?

Ta: there are 3

Me: I really only just need one to start with:

TA: gives the booking number

Me: verifies guests and sailing.
Me: I’m happy to add on pre paid gratuities, however, I would be taking payment today for these.

TA: Silence.

Me: I feel there is a piece missing, as currently, there is no money paid on any of these bookings.

TA: oh I don’t actually want to add on pre paid gratuities.

Me: Silence (since this is the reason she called in, wtf am I supposed to say?)

TA: I just need to know HOW MUCH THEY ARE.

Me: I calulate price and give it to her.

Ta: I thought gratuities weren’t going up until next year?

(clearly the TA knows more than she’s letting on…I don’t know why she’s calling)

Me: Yes, they are going up, and your guests ARE SAILING NEXT YEAR. So the price I’m quoting you, is correct.

TA: oh, well ok, fine, can you put them on the booking?

(so,we’ve already had this conversation)

Me: I’d be happy to, I just need the credit card to take payment

TA: but they don’t want to pay today. They haven’t put anymoney down yet.

(deja vu)

Me: Ok,that’s fine.But I can’t add anything with out taking payment. When they are ready to pay,we’ll put them on.

(I work in a travel agency, specializing in cruises, where we only deal with clients over the phone. Our agency has the word “CRUISE” in the name, and that’s plastered all over our website. It’s also in the phone message you get before you speak to one of the agents.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Agency]. This is [My Name] speaking; how may I help you?”

Client: *mumble, mumble, mumble*

Me: “I’m sorry, could you please repeat that? I think we have a bad connection; I’m having a hard time hearing you.”

Client:” *mumble, mumble, something unintelligible* “Jamaica.”

Me: “Oh, you’d like to visit Jamaica?”

(The client continues to talk under her breath, so I can’t hear more than a few words. Eventually, she finally begins to enunciate clearly.)

Client: “How much are flights to Jamaica?”

Me: “Ma’am, we are a cruise-only agency; we do not deal directly with flights and airfare.”

Client: “Fine, how much are cruises to Jamaica?”

Me: “It depends; there are a lot of different factors: length of time you’re sailing, what ship you’re on, where you leave from—”

Client: *interrupting me* “I want to leave from Michigan.”

Me: “I’m sorry, there are no cruises that originate in Michigan. Other than the Great Lakes, which cruise ships don’t sail on, Michigan is land-locked.”

Client: “But I want to leave from Michigan. I live there.”

Me: *screaming internally* 

(Ultimately, what the woman was looking for — after a LOT of back-and-forth due to her perpetual mumbling — wasn’t even a cruise. I couldn’t help her, but it did make me wonder how people can have such a lack of comprehension over basic geography, especially for where they live.)

(I call the travel agency that books our flights for work.)

Me: “Hi. I’d like to book a flight from Chicago to Brasilia on October 20th, please.”

Travel Agent: “No problem. What city?”

Me: “Brasilia.”

Travel Agent: “Yes, but what city?”

Me: *slowly and pronouncing every syllable* “Bra-si-li-a.”

Travel Agent: “But what city in Brazil?”

Me: “Brasilia… the capital… of Brazil.”

Travel Agent: “Oh…”

Related:
No Vocation For Location, Part 21
No Vocation For Location, Part 20
No Vocation For Location, Part 19

(It’s half an hour until opening and I’m taking care of some work on my computer. I hear someone try the door and look up to see a woman trying desperately to open it. I shout that we’re closed but assume she doesn’t hear. The owner has told us to simply ignore a customer in this instance, so this what I do. However, the woman doesn’t take the hint, and after five minutes, she’s still there, only now she’s taken to tapping the glass, as well. It’s driving everyone mad, including the owner. I see the owner walk — rather stomp — to the door and unlock it.)

Customer: “Finally! Your door isn’t—“

Owner: “WE’RE CLOSED!” *pointing to the sign* “C-L-O-S-E-D! CLOSED!”

Customer: *taken aback* “How rude—“ *door slammed in her face*

(She runs away, and the owner goes back into her office, but that isn’t the end of it. The woman comes back with her husband who then tries the door, only more ferociously. With two tugs, he shatters the glass. The owner comes out again to see the woman trying to climb through the opening. Her husband is outside, looking incredibly sheepish.)

Customer: “I want to make a complaint, right now! Your door just cut me—“

Owner: “You’ve just broken my door! [Colleague], phone the police.”

(The woman and the owner screamed at each other until the police arrived. The woman pretended to not have known we were closed, but our CCTV records audio, and the police had to walk past the glass, with the closed sign still attached to a shard. No charges were made, but the husband offered to buy a new door, much to his wife’s protests of innocence.)

A customer of mine told me today: “You’re so sweet and polite, it feels so nice torturing you”

That explains pretty much everything about customer service.