(A project manager sends an email to all contractors who are scheduled to work on a project to upgrade computers for a large bank. Of course, even computer professionals will use “reply all.”)

Contractor #1: “Will do, thank you.”

Contractor #2: “Please remove me from emails. Thank you.”

Contractor #3: “Same here; please remove me, as well. Thanks.”

Contractor #4: “Please remove me from the emails.”

Contractor #5: “No need to ‘Reply To All’ for this request! Rookies!”

Contractor #2: “We reply all to make sure everyone got it… so don’t start the name-calling or feel any type of way, [Contractor #5]. Thank you all.”

Contractor #5: “Screw off, [Contractor #2]. I don’t even work for [Bank].”

Contractor #6: “PLEASE REMOVE ME FROM THIS LISTING.”

Contractor #2: “I couldn’t care less! You decided to say something back, and if that is the best you can say back… then why ‘reply all,’ f*** boy?”

Contractor #7: “Thank you for the reminder; however, I will not be able to do the training because I am in the middle of a project in another state.”

Project Manager: “For those of you who have requested to be removed: I will do so as I receive the requests. The other comments need to stop, please.”

Contractor #8: “Please remove me. Thank you.”

Contractor #9: “Remove me, as well.”

Contractor #10: “People, Please just reply to the original sender, not all.”

(The project manager sent her next email using blind carbon copy.)

(I’m at the beach with two cousins. They are discussing an important e-mail message that [Cousin #1] has received, and [Cousin #2] needs to see it.)

Cousin #2: “Don’t forget to forward [important e-mail] to me. Can you do it right now?”

Cousin #1: “Oh, right.”

([Cousin #1] takes out his phone and starts looking for the message. A few minutes later…)

Cousin #1: “I can’t find it; I’ll have to do it later when I get home. I think I put it in my spam folder.”

Cousin #2 & Me: *almost in unison* “Why would you put an important e-mail in your spam folder?!”

Cousin #1: “Because that’s where I put things. Where else would you like me to put it?”

(After a few more minutes of discussion, we found out that [Cousin #1] legitimately didn’t know what the spam folder was for and was using it to store all e-mails that he wanted to save. Thankfully, the important message was indeed there.)

The main point-of-sale server is down with corrupted files, and a dozen and a half stores are offline. We’re on the phone with tech support for a while, and they determine that the most likely fix is a restore from backup tapes, a four-hour process. But there’s a special function that might rebuild the corrupted files. Maybe. If it doesn’t, well, we’ll have to do a restore from backup. But that’s the only other alternative, so we’ll give it a go.

We’re used to this system having some very dangerous functions that let you really screw yourself over, and undocumented flags that have to be set before they’ll actually run. And that is the case for this function, too. We have to go into a special administrative panel to get to it at all, and know what to type in. There are options to be set for it to do its thing, and an undocumented flag to get it to actually run. And then, at the end, we hit Run, and one last warning comes up:

“We recommend that you do not run this function, even if we told you to.”

It does fix the problem in a matter of a few minutes.

Me: “Hello, welcome to [TV company]. My name is [My Name]. How may I help?”

Customer: “Where are you from?”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “Where is your call centre?”

(I brace myself for the inevitable racist rant about having to speak with offshore and outsourced call centres, etc.)

Me: “[Major UK City].”

Customer: “That explains why you’re so quiet. I can barely hear you! You’re so far away.”

Me: “I… I am sorry? Well, I will make sure I shout as loud as I can to make sure you can hear me in [Other Major UK City 150 miles away from where I am].”

(Because that’s how telephones work?)

(I work for a chain that allows guests to check in online. Though it says that they can “grab their keys and go,” most guests don’t take that literally and understand that they still need to let us know. Except for this one regular that’s very brusque:)

Me: *checking in someone else*

Regular: *reaches across my desk and GRABS his keys and prepares to run off with it*

Me: “Excuse me, sir! What are you doing?”

Regular: “Grabbing my keys! You were busy!”

Me: “I know what the app says, but you still need to let us check you into the computer! Otherwise, how can we charge you?”

Regular: “I was just doing what the app said to!” *stomps off*

Other Customer: *speaking with jaw drop* “What a grouch. I have used the app and still know not to reach and grab my keys like that! It’s so rude!”

Me: “Welcome to my world.”

(The keys were moved further away from the guests’ reach just in case they take what the app said too literally again.)

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