Caller: “Hi. My Internet Explorer is not working.”

Me: “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

Caller: “My ‘back’ and ‘forward’ buttons are disabled.”

Me: “So, you were surfing and would like to go back to the previous page, but it’s disabled?”

Caller: “No, I just opened the IE and I noticed that.”

Me: “Well, you did not surf anywhere, so you don’t have any place to go back or forward.”

Caller: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Try clicking on any link.”

Caller: “Okay. Hey, my back button is enabled now, but forward is still grayed out.”

Me: “Try clicking back!”

Caller: “Forward is enabled now, but back is disabled!”

Me: *thinking he can’t be that dumb* “I must ask you! Is this a prank call?”

Caller: “No, I just wanted to report the problem.”

Me: “Sir. It’s working as intended. There is nothing wrong with your IE.”

(I wish I could add, “…but something wrong with you!”)

Caller: “Okay. Thank you.”

(As I’m unemployed, I was assigned to a year-long jobseekers’ assistance program, which is farmed out to a UK-based company. I knew it was going to be awful from the stories I heard from friends who had also been on it, but this is one instance that I will share of how bad their employee training standards are. I have to sign up to a job search website and upload a copy of my CV. The site will only accept it in PDF format for some weird reason. I’m not a tech genius but I’ve learned a lot of basic troubleshooting from my husband and friends in various IT roles, and I manage to figure out how to convert my .doc file on the unfamiliar-to-me word processing program.)

Advisor: “So, how’s it going?”

Me: “Grand, now that I got the PDF converted and uploaded.”

Advisor: *shocked* “How did you do it? We haven’t been able to work it out and it’s made everything so slow! “

Me: “It’s… this button here.” *points to the toolbar on [Word Program] then politely shrugs* “Once I found that it was easy. It’s amazing what you can learn just on Google.”

(She calls over another advisor and tells him about my amazing discovery.)

Advisor: “Oh, my God, we’ve been printing files out and scanning them back in as a PDF! [My Name] should be working here with us! “

Me: *laughing politely along but cringing inside* “Well, if you need tech support, I am looking for a job!”

(I know I have a slightly higher-than-average competence and some office experience, but this was about the second time I’d used this software. They worked with it every day and the solution to their issue was literally staring them in the face. Needless to say, they did not help me find a job. I’m dreading the thought of being called back to that office.)

(I’m reviewing a patient’s medical records that are part of a study but were flagged for “inconsistencies.” Usually, this means that the dates of illness or medication don’t make sense, but in this case, I see that the reviewer has highlighted the patient’s travel history, which is blank. I track down the physician who filled out the form.)

Me: “Hi, [Doctor], I’m reviewing the charts for [study] and I saw that—“

Doctor: *laughing* “Travel history, right?”

Me: “Uh… yeah.”

Doctor: “Turns out someone coded in upper limits to the interstate travel portion of the form, because it can’t go over seven times a week.”

Me: “What? How often does this guy travel?”

Doctor: “Well, the form just asks about traveling to another state. He lives in [State], but… legally, half his house is across state lines. So, his answer was, ‘Eight or nine times a day,’ and the computer didn’t like that one.”

I teach ESL via an online school. Due to being a remote virtual job, with students in countries with unreliable Internet service, having technical difficulties is a common occurrence. Usually, I can make it work, but sometimes it gets in the way of class.

One day, I had a new student, and from the beginning, the tech problems were a nightmare. It alternated between him not being able to see or hear me, me not being able to see or hear him, the slides not working, or the slides working but only for one of us. The classes are only thirty minutes long, but we only spent about ten percent of that doing class.

Of course, once the problems were finally fixed, we had only a minute of class time left! I apologized to the student, who was about ten years old, that we couldn’t do a proper class and said I would see him next time.

Just as the system timed out and sent me to a new class, the student, who had sat patiently through everything, just smiled and said, “Thank you; I had fun. Goodbye! I love you!” and then blew me a kiss!

I was so surprised, but also touched. It made the rest of the sessions, which were no better technology-wise, a bit easier to handle.

(I work at a semi-fast food restaurant that has a drive-thru. Someone has just come to the speaker box.)

Me: “Hi! Go ahead and order when you’re ready!”

(Silence for about three minutes as I finish handing out orders.)

Me: “Did you have any questions?”

(Silence. The car then pulls forward to my window.)

Customer: “Can I get a 34 with a Pepsi?”

(Thinking something might be wrong with our speaker.)

Me: “Sure! May I ask why you didn’t order at the speaker box? Could you not hear me?”

Customer: “Oh! I order back there?! I didn’t know that! I had my window up the whole time so, no, I didn’t hear you! I’m new to this.”

Me: “Oh… okay… Well, when you go through a drive-thru it’s best to roll your window down at the menu as that’s where you normally order.”

(I still wonder what she meant by saying she’s “new to this.”)