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Be Careful What You Ask For, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | October 10, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [office]; how can I help you?”

Caller: “I need a driver’s license.”

Me: “Okay. You can come to our office; as it is Saturday, we are open until 12:30 pm.”

Caller: “I can’t make it in time; can you fax me one?”

Me: “Sorry, sir. It’s a plastic card, and it can not be faxed or emailed. We also have to take your photo, so this can be done only in person.”

Caller: “It was my birthday yesterday, so my license is expired. Can’t you do it over the phone?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, I can not send you a plastic license over the phone.”

Caller: “F*** you!”

Me: “Sorry, sir. I can’t do that over the phone, either.”

Next Up: Watching Paint Dry

, , , | Right | October 6, 2008

Me: “Welcome to [Tech Support]. How can I help you this morning?”

Caller: “I keep getting pop-ups to update my computer, but I don’t have Internet. I don’t want Internet.”

Me: “All right. I can show you how to turn off the notifications.” *shows customer*

Caller: “Thanks. Now, how do I know if my computer is working?”

Me: “Do you see any error messages?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Okay, let’s test it out. Can you open a program for me?”

Caller: “Um, I don’t know how to do that.”

Me: “So, you don’t use the computer to play music, games, or to use the word processor?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “What do you use your computer for?”

Caller: “Well, I just watch it to see what it does.”

Me: “Oh… is it doing anything right now?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Then thank you for calling [Tech Support]. Have a good morning.” *click*

Ah, Managers

, , , , , | Right | September 21, 2008

Customer: “Does this camera come in different colors? I really want blue.”

Me: “Yes, but I’m sorry… I don’t have any blue ones. I only have black, red, and bronze.”

Customer: “Blue takes better pictures.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Yes, my brother takes pictures and says the blue ones are best.”

Me: “Well, to be honest, the color only affects how it looks. It has nothing to do with the performance.”

Customer: “Are you calling my brother a liar?!”

Me: “No, I’m just saying he’s misinformed–”

Customer: “I SAID he’s a photographer and he knows what he’s talking about. He’s been published.”

Me: “I’m sure he has, but I’ve done hundreds of weddings myself and I’ve been selling for years.”

Customer: “Stop it! I want to see the manager.”

(I get my manager and explain the situation.)

Manager: “So, I understand you want a blue camera because it’s supposed to be better?”

Customer: “Yes, I thought you guys would know that!”

Manager: “You know, I think your brother was mistaken.”

Customer: “But–”

Manager: “Let me explain. You see, sports cars come in all colors, right? You ever notice that they always seem to sell the red ones most? Porsches, Lamborghinis, and Corvettes?”

Customer: “Well, yeah…”

Manager: “So, I think it’s an obvious choice.”

Customer: “I’ll take the red one!”

Me: “…”


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A Heady Proposition

, , , , , | Romantic | September 20, 2008

Customer: “I have a big problem. You cut off my head!”

Me: “I’m sorry? How did I cut off your head?”

(The customer shows me an obviously self-taken picture, with the top of his head removed.)

Me: “Sir, it looks like it was taken that way.”

Customer: “No, it wasn’t! My whole head was there when I took it. I’m sure!”

Me: “Okay, let me see your memory card…”

(The customer hands it to me, and I go in the lab and pull it up on the computer. Sure enough, he chopped his own head off in the picture.)

Me: “Sir, that is the whole image, and the top of your head isn’t in it.”

Customer: “But it’s DIGITAL! Can’t you fix it?”

Me: “You can’t create something from nothing.”

Customer: “But… but… but… I need a photo for a dating website!”

Me: “Give me the camera and go stand over there.”

Customer: *excited* “Hot d***! You can be my best man!”

Me: “A thank you card will be enough.”

(Skip ahead nine months…)

Female customer: “Is your name [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes, can I help you?”

Female customer: “My husband wanted you to have this.” *hands me an envelope*

(I opened the envelope, and sure enough, there was a thank you card with a picture of him and his wife. He actually got married and sent her in with the card!)

Chairlike People And Other Objects, Beware

, , , | Right | September 20, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company] support. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Okay, well, you know how the laptop computers look like chairs?”

Me: “I guess I can kinda see how you could possibly think that…”

Customer: “Well, I sat on it, and now it’s broken.”

Me: “Unfortunately, any sort of warranty will not cover accidental damage on the computer.”

Customer: “It wasn’t accidental.”

Me: “If you sat on it, then it is considered accidental damage.”

Customer: “It’s NOT accidental damage! You think somebody just sits on their computer by accident?!”

Me: “Okay… so the computer is damaged, right?”

Customer: “YES!”

Me: “So, what would you like me to do for you?”

Customer: “I want you to fix my computer! It’s broken!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but any personal damage done to the computer is not covered under warranty. I can possibly send it in to be fixed, but there will be a charge.”

Customer: “It’s not personal damage! I sat on it!”

Me: “If you sat on the computer, then you damaged it personally, and it is not covered under warranty.”

Customer: “Are you calling me fat?!”