Me: “Operator.”

Customer: “I need to call long distance to New York.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, you need to hang up and dial ’00’ for the long-distance operator.”

Customer: “I don’t have a ’00’ button on my phone. I only have a ‘0’!”

(An older customer calls in for tech support with his satellite receiver.)

Me: “Okay, your signal strength is pretty good.”

Customer: “Right.”

Me: “Let’s just verify all your channels are coming in.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Can you please put it on channel 400?”

Customer: “No problem, hold on.” *dials 4-0-0 into the telephone*

Customer’s Wife: “Give me that!”

(She gets control of the phone.)

Customer’s Wife: *laughing* “So sorry, he’s such an idiot!”

(This is before software was available to legally download and only came on purchased CDs.)

Customer: “Hi, can you help me?”

Me: “Sure, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I have Windows on my computer and it’s not booting up properly anymore.”

Me: “Did you buy the PC here?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Did you buy Windows here?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Then I’m afraid I can’t really help you with that.”

Customer: “Look here, you sell Windows. I downloaded and installed Windows, and it’s not working. You’re supposed to help me.”

Me: “Let me just get it right. You’ve downloaded a copy of Windows, installed it, and now it’s giving you problems.”

Customer: “Yes, and it’s your job to help me.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Here’s Microsoft Israel support phone number. Call them and tell them exactly what you told me.”

Customer: “Hello, I just bought this iPod, and I can’t make it go.”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Customer: “It won’t go.”

Me: “Okay, how exactly?”

Customer: “IT WON’T GO.”

Me: “Can I see your iPod?”

(The customer takes out iPod Touch and shows it to me. I turn it on and open up Safari.)

Me: “It seems to be working fine.”

(I hand it back to her. She presses the home button multiple times.)

Customer: “How did you do that? It’s not working.”

Me: “Ma’am, what kind of iPod is that?”

Customer: “iPod Touch.”

Me: “Yeah… so, try touching one of the icons on the screen.”

(She does.)

Customer: “OH, MY GOD, THAT IS SO COOL! YOU’RE A GENIUS!”

Me: “Yeah, well.”

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Me: Thank you for calling [Tech Support]. How may I assist you?

Customer: “Yes! Finally! There is something wrong with my cellphone.”

Me: “All right, ma’am. I’ll be more than glad to help you with that. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I can’t call out.”

Me: “Ma’am, it appears that everything is working just fine from both ends. What exactly is happening when you try to call out from your phone?”

Customer: “Absolutely nothing! Jesus, are you stupid! I already told you that.”

Me: “Right… let’s try this: turn your phone off and then back on. Maybe you just need to reset it.”

Customer: *resets phone* “Okay, that’s done… and it’s still not working.”

Me: “This is very strange. I can’t imagine why it would not be working. Try this for me, dial a number out and let’s see if you get an error message now that the phone has been reset.”

Customer: “You stupid little b****! THERE IS NO F***ING DIAL TONE!”

Me: “Erm, excuse me?”

Customer: “How can I dial a number if I don’t have a dial tone?”

Me: “Ma’am, the phone you’re using is wireless. It’s not going to have a dial tone.”

Customer: “You really think I’m that stupid? My last cell phone had a dial tone!”

Me: “I assure you, it did not.”

Customer: “Listen to me, I have been around a lot longer than you. I think I know how to work a g**d*** phone! Who the h*** do you think you are?!”

Me: “Humor me, please! Just dial a number, any number, and see what happens when you hit send.”

Customer: “Whatever!” *presses buttons on phone*

(She has the phone on speaker, and I can obviously hear that the call has gone through.)

Customer: “Well… I… the last… F*** YOU!” *click