Dinner Has Been Exterminated

, , , , , | Working | May 8, 2019

(My husband has gone to the kitchen to cook dinner and has just gotten all the pans down and ingredients set out when the door opens. It is the exterminator.)

Husband: “Hi. What are you doing here?”

Exterminator: “The landlady paid me to come out and spray for bugs today.”

Husband: “Oh… at dinner time?”

Exterminator: “Yeah, I got busy.”

Me: *when the story was told to me* “Oh, good. The landlady didn’t pay him to poison our dinner; that was an optional service.”

Unfiltered Story #119022

, , | Unfiltered | August 24, 2018

Me: [Company name], this is [My Name], how can I help you?

Customer: Yeah I am looking to buy some products you sell

Me: Certainly. What company are you with?

Customer: Oh I am just a licensed individual.

Me: Oh well, unfortunately, we only sell to businesses in the food and grain industry. I would recommend you try contacting [Other pest control company] or the manufacturer.

Customer: Why should I have to do that if I am licensed? [Pest Control Company] is my competitor, why should I buy from them?

Me: Uh…well, I’m really sorry, but we do not sell to individuals.

Customer: Fine, well you should know that I am a US-licenced auditor for places like the ones you service. And I will make sure to do a real good job in the future.

Me: (…what? Was that supposed to magically make me able to sell to him? How would he even know the locations we service?)

I’m Not A Snake Oil Salesman

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Right | February 2, 2016

(I run a small business catching and relocating venomous snakes from people’s yards and public areas. Australia is up top of the list for deadliest snakes in the world. I get a phone call one morning from a very anxious person saying they had a black snake in their yard. From the accent it sounds like they are not local to Australia.)

Me: “Can you see the snake right now?”

Customer: “YES! YES! YES! It’s right beside the kid’s pool. Come get it! Get it now!”

Me: “Okay, sir, slow down a moment and give me your address, and just to advise it’s a $[total] call out fee, even if the snake moves away.”

Customer: “That’s fine! Come get it!”

(I quickly drive to the address, armed with my usual equipment, to meet the petrified client, who rushes me into the backyard and points towards a little wading pool for the kids. I move towards it carefully and to my shock… it’s the customer’s garden hose. He didn’t want to pay but he also didn’t like it when I pulled one of the boxes out of my car with a six-foot Eastern Brown Snake in it and told him I needed a place to relocate this snake to. The cash appeared quickly after that.)

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Has Slugs And Snails And Puppy Dog Tails

| AZ, USA | Right | November 4, 2015

Customer: “I need someone to treat around my water meter.”

Me: “What kind of pests are you seeing?”

Customer: “I am not sure. They are either scorpions or rats. They have tails.”

Me: *aside to coworker* “Puppies have tails. Do you think there are puppies in his water box?”

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His Attitude Has Hit Rock Bottom

| Stockholm, Sweden | Right | March 16, 2015

(A customer calls in, requesting tips for how to get rid of the ants in his garden. I give him several tips but he is very patronizing throughout the call and rather rude.)

Me: “…or, if neither of those things work, come winter, you can try and freeze the ant-hill from within.”

Customer: “How do I do that?”

Me: “You take an iron rod and stick it as far into the ground as possible, and leave it there over winter, and—”

Customer: “So, how far down do I need to stick it?”

Me: “Well, as far as you can, to make sure you get it through their entire colony. One meter is usually recommended.”

Customer: *in a very condescending tone* “Hah, you obviously don’t know what you are talking about! Let me tell you, I live on the WEST COAST. The soil here is no deeper than half a meter at most! There is no possible way I can stick an iron rod a whole meter down into the ground. I would obviously hit the bedrock way before that. So there is no way your stupid suggestion would work to get rid of the ants. I could never penetrate their entire colony.”

Me: “…but, if there is bedrock half a meter down, the ants cannot live further down either.”

Customer: “Oh. I never thought about that. I guess you are right. Do you have any more suggestions?”

(He was very polite and grateful after that!)

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