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Maybe Microsoft Makes Them

, , , | Right | August 20, 2008

(A customer has no power to a CD-ROM drive and has a disc stuck inside.)

Me: “Okay, here’s what you have to do. You need to find yourself a paperclip and unbend it a bit, so you have something to stick in the little hole next to the volume dial.”

Customer: “So… a paperclip, you say? Can I order that from you? I’m not sure what that is…”

Darwin Called, He Wants His Prehensile Thumb Back

, , , , | Right | August 16, 2008

Me: “Thank you for holding. I hear you need some help getting your car opened?”

Caller: “Yeah, my battery went dead and so I can’t get my doors open!”

Me: “Did you lock your keys in your car?”

Caller: “No, it’s just that I have electronic locks, and the battery is dead so I can’t get the doors open!”

Me: “Um, did you try to open the door manually?”

Caller: “How do I do that? ”

Me: “You stick your key into the door lock on the outside of the door. Turn it and it should unlock.”

Caller: “OH! YOU CAN DO THAT?!”

This story is part of our Even-More-Bad-Drivers roundup!

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Well Whadya Know, It’s Working Now

, , | Right | August 13, 2008

Me: “Thanks for calling [Store], how can I help you?”

Customer: “My phone service isn’t working.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll see what I can do. What wireless company do you have?”

Customer: “I don’t have wireless.”

Me: “… I’m not sure I’m following you, ma’am.”

Customer: “What’s not to follow? I said my PHONES AREN’T WORKING!”

Me: “Okay, but in order to assist you, I need to know what service you have.”

Customer: “AT&T.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t contract AT&T wireless in the store.”

Customer: “Look, lady, it’s not WIRELESS. My HOME PHONES aren’t working, and I can’t get a hold of my son and I’m worried. The service has been on the fritz all day. I need you to FIX IT!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t fix your home phone service. You’ll have to call your provider.”

Customer: “What are you, stupid? I bought the phone from you!”

(She probably had bought the telephone through us, because we sell some made by/for AT&T. But we don’t do the service at all.)

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t do the service. We are just the phone retailer. Is there something wrong with the phone itself?”

Customer: “NO. It works fine, but I can’t actually CALL anywhere. Now, I need this FIXED. I’ve been without a phone all day, every phone in the house is messed up, and I can’t call my SON. I don’t have a phone at ALL! Do you understand?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I do, but like I said, we have nothing to do with your service. We just sell the PHONES. You have to call AT&T to see what’s wrong with your service.”

Customer: “And just how am I supposed to do that, smarty-pants? I DON’T have a PHONE that WORKS!”

Me: “With all due respect, ma’am, how did you call us?”

Customer: “B****.” *click*

Behind Every New Sign Is Someone Stupid

, , , | Right | August 9, 2008

(I work in the mail room of a large corporate law firm filled with Harvard grad attorneys.)

Attorney: “I’m needing to send a fax and this machine has a problem!”

Me: “Okay, let me help you with that.”

Attorney: “This machine doesn’t have a dash button!”

Me: “I’m sorry, a dash button?”

Attorney: “Yeah, like in the instructions: 201 DASH 555 DASH 1234…”

(After that incident we had to go back and change ALL the signs for the fax machines on every floor to say, “Do not include the dash.”)

Telepathy Is Fun

, , , , , | Right | August 5, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Tech Support]. My name is [My Name]. What can I help you with today?

Customer: “I’ll tell you how you can help, fix my d*** computer!”

Me: “So, what is the problem with the computer today?”

Customer: “It’s broken. Fix it.”

Me: “Okay, but how is it broken?”

Customer: “I don’t know; just fix it.”

Me: “Is it not turning on, or is it not booting up?”

Customer: “I don’t know about computers. Just fix the problem already!”

(This proceeds for almost fifteen minutes back and forth. Finally, I decide to have some fun. I ask the customer to hold on for a second. I start shuffling some papers and opening and closing my desk drawer quite loudly.)

Customer: “What was all that noise?”

Me: “I think I found something we can use to fix this issue.”

Customer: “Good, so get started on it.”

Me: “Okay… Now, I’m holding in front of me a crystal ball… I’m picturing the issue with the computer… The computer is broken, and I’ve found a solution…”

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager. That is very rude!”

Me: “Sure thing, but wait… I see something else… I see this call ending, now!” *click*

(Thank goodness it was one am and nobody listened in on that call, or I’d have been fired.)