There Is Credit In Proof

, , , , | Learning | September 27, 2017

(It is when mobile phones have first became affordable and most phones are topped-up with credit. I have forgotten to take mine out of my pocket, after going to a friends house the night before. The school has a policy of taking phones from students and putting them in the main office until the end of the day. My phone rings.)

Teacher: “Phone, now!”

(I pass the phone and apologise.)

Teacher: “I might go through your phone credit at lunch just to teach you a lesson.”

(At the end of the day, I collect the phone and find out that all of the credit has been drained. I tell my parents what happened and they talk to the teacher and head teacher about it. Both deny everything.)

Dad: “You owe us over £15 in credit.”

Teacher: “I’m not paying it back. How do I know you didn’t call that number yourself? Prove it was me!”

Dad: “Pay it back and apologise.”

Teacher: “No. I’m right, and your kid should learn some respect; I’m not giving you a penny.”

(At this point, my dad, usually a very gentle person, calmly stands up, picks the teacher’s laptop up off the desk, and throws it against the wall, where it smashes into several pieces.)

Teacher: “What the…?”

Dad: “Let’s call it even.”

Teacher: “You’re gonna pay for that computer, or I’m taking you to court.”

Dad: “Prove it was me.”

Elementary (School), My Dear Teacher

, , , , , | Learning | September 27, 2017

(This happens in the fourth grade. My teacher is reading from a popular series of mystery novels for children. When it comes to the part of the story where the detective is about to solve the case, the teacher stops reading.)

Teacher: “Now, can anyone here solve this mystery?”

Me: “I can!”

(I then proceed to lay out, in a very methodical manner, step-by-step, the criminal’s entire plot and the evidence that led to the detective discovering him. My teacher, and the entire class, stand there agog at my deductive reasoning. After some stunned silence, the teacher speaks.)

Teacher: “Um…yeah. That’s exactly right. How on earth did you ever figure that out?”

Me: “Well, um, I’ve already read this one.”

A Shocking Piece Of Journalism

, , , , | | Learning | September 27, 2017

(I am reporter for the school newspaper. I am assigned to interview several teachers on what their first jobs were, before they finished school and became teachers. Most of the jobs are pretty standard: food service, landscaping, there was one teacher who was a live-in nanny, etc. Then I decide to interview our school’s wrestling coach. He is an older man with a big personality, so I think for sure he will have had an interesting first job.)

Me: “Thank you for letting me interview you, Coach. Can you please tell me about the first job you ever had?”

Coach: *thinks for a minute* “I was a fish shocker!”

Me: “Huh?” *thinking I heard him wrong, though what could you possibly mistake for “fish shocker”?*

Coach: “Yeah! A fish shocker!”

Me: “I… uh… I need more details.”

Coach: “I’d set up this device at the lakes, and shock the water so all the fish would float up to the surface.”

Me: “And why did you do that?”

Coach: *slaps the top of his desk and laughs* “So they could be counted, of course! They’d wake up eventually and swim away, so we had to count fast!”

Me: “Uh-huh, okay, great. Anything else?”

Coach: “Nope, that was it.”

Me: “Well, thank you. This should be an interesting article.”

(Later, while writing the article, I did some research and figured out he was talking about electrofishing. At the time, I had no clue that was an actual thing someone could do for a job. We featured the coach’s story in the article and for a couple of weeks, kids went around saying they were going to be “fish shockers” when they grew up!)

Everyone Should Know The Condom-minimum

, , , , | Learning | September 22, 2017

(Since my mum is very progressive, I’ve been given a very in-depth Sex Ed talk, long before my school ever covers the topic. I’ve also been taught not to be embarrassed about it all, and to speak my mind if I feel unwell about anything. During the actual Sex Ed class in school, the very awkward teacher spends less than an hour giving us information, and then brings in some obviously sponsored “goodie bags” for all students; girls get a box full of tampons, pads, some acne treatment, and a razor, while boys also get razors and acne treatment, as well as deodorant and condoms.)

Me: “What does acne have to do with Sex Ed?”

Teacher: “We’ve discussed any kind of changes your body goes through during puberty, and obviously, acne is a big part of that.”

Me: “All right; that makes sense. But why do only boys get condoms?”

(By now, half the class is giggling.)

Male Classmate: “[My Name] wants condoms! Who you wanna f***, eh?”

Me: “We just now talked about how it’s important for both partners to care about safe sex! It’s not just the boys’ job to bring protection!”

Teacher: “All right, we’ve got some boxes for boys left over; you can have one if you want.”

(Cue “[My Name] wants condoms!” being chanted from random classmates.)

Me: “It’s not about ME wanting condoms; it’s about the fact that you just taught us one thing and are now doing the exact opposite! It doesn’t make sense!”

Teacher: “You do have a point. Next time I’ll make sure condoms are included in both boxes. Are you happy now?”

(The class went on normally after that, but I was “Condom Girl” for about a month. At the same time, a few classmates came to me to ask questions they were too embarrassed to ask in class. What I didn’t know myself, I later asked my mum and transferred the info. In a way, my mum gave “The Talk” to about half my school year, just because she taught me to speak up about safe sex. Years later, I’m still the most educated on the topic in my group of friends, and have had to explain quite a few basic things to already sexually active adults.)

Just Cover Your Ears And Go Bra-la-la-la!

, , , , , | Learning | September 22, 2017

(My friends and I are standing in line to get our lunches when one of them challenges me to try and talk as “cool” as possible to the kid in front of me.)

Me: *to kid in front* “‘Sup, brah?”

(We are all laughing about it until one of the lunchtime staff walks up to me and asks:)

Teacher: “Why did you call [Kid] a bra?”

Me: “I didn’t. I called him ‘brah;’ it means bro or mate.”

Teacher: “No, it doesn’t.” *leans in close and whispers* “A bra is what holds up boobs.”

(My friends nearby were positively wetting themselves in laughter, and I got off with a “warning.”)