I’m waiting at the pickup at the elementary school with the other parents. One of the other moms, a friend, is looking tired.

Friend: “If I hear one more screaming from that d*** six-seven meme thing, I will do something I regret.”

Me: “Yeah, that used to be an issue in our house too.”

Friend: “Used to? How did you get them to stop?”

Me: “Oh, that’s easy. My husband and I started doing it too.”

Friend: “You… would go nuts when you heard six to seven?”

Me: “Yeah! In fact, we started orchestrating it so we could do it first, and in front of the kids. Nothing ruins the popularity of a meme more than your parents doing it. They stopped by the end of the day.”

Friend: “It can’t be that simple.”

Me: “Just try it!”

We pick up our kids and leave. I don’t see that friend for a couple of days, but when I do, she wordlessly walks up to me, gives me a big hug, and whispers into my ear a thank you.

It’s 2015, and I’m the unofficial tech guy for my school.

Teacher: “Can you help? [Website] won’t load.”

Me: “Okay, what browser are you using?”

Teacher: *Gives school website.*

Me: “No, which web browser do you use to get on the internet?”

Teacher: *Gives the website they’re trying to access.*

Me: “No, I mean, what do you click on to get to that website?” 

Teacher: “The internet.”

Me: “I’m not explaining myself well. When you’re looking at your desktop, what icon do you click on to open the internet?”

Teacher: *Gives email address.*

Me: “Internet Explorer it is.”

My wife worked in an undisclosed location women’s shelter. My daughter wanted to see where mommy worked, but we could never go, for obvious reasons.

I’m picking up my daughter from school when she says out loud, in the middle of the crowded school hall:

Daughter: “Daddy, can we finally go visit mommy in the shelter?”

I have never gotten ahead of potential rumors quicker than at that moment right there.

I teach a first-grade class. I have a bucket of sharpened pencils for them to use.

Student: “Miss [My Name], I need a pencil.”

Me: “Where do the pencils live?”

Student: *Thinks.* “Pennsylvania?”

He didn’t know why I was laughing. He also didn’t get why I told him that he’s gonna make a great dad one day…

My sixth-grade class was learning about WWII, and the teacher was telling us about Japan’s kamikaze pilots.

Teacher: “They were told that when they ran out of ammunition, to send their planes into the enemy ships, and to stay inside the plane to guide it accurately.”

Classmate: “But you could get killed that way!”