(I work in a small brick-and-mortar bookstore in my town. We hire a new guy, who only lasts for three days because enough staff complain about him. I only work one day with him, but he gets fired the next day after exchanges like this.)

New Guy: “I seriously don’t understand why people buy books anymore.”

Me: “Then why do you work in a bookstore?”

New Guy: “No, no, no. I like books; I just don’t see why other people like them.”

Me: “Are you kidding?”

New Guy: “Well, when [Manager] asked me in my interview if I read books, I told her lots, but I think the last physical book I read was Death Note back in 2003.”

Me: “Death Note didn’t get published in North America until 2005.”

New Guy: “Huh. It was more recently than I thought; 2005 is pretty good.”

Me: “That was 12 years ago.”

New Guy: “Well, do you read all the time, then? When did you last finish a book?”

Me: “I am currently reading Universal Harvester—” *which is in my hands* “—and I just finished reading Misery by Stephen King a week or two ago.”

New Guy: “So, is, like, everyone here book people?”

Me: “YES! THAT’S WHY WE WORK IN A BOOKSTORE!”

New Guy: “Oh. I’m just here because I need money, and it looked like you guys didn’t do anything. I played video games professionally for the last seven years, so I like not having to work that much.”

Me: “You are in the wrong place, then, man.”

New Guy: “That’s what they told me when I flunked out of computer science. I still told them all to go eff themselves.”

(A customer comes in with fabric she has already purchased from us. She has taken it home and marked the measurements for her pattern on the fabric with safety pins. She asks me to cut out her pattern for her, something I cannot do for several reasons, the simplest being it isn’t a service our store offers. After explaining the multiple reasons why, this happens:)

Customer: “I need you to cut my fabric because it’s 58″ wide and I don’t have 58″ scissors at home.”

Me: *looking at her with the most dumbfounded expression on my face* “I don’t have 58″ scissors either. I use these.” *holding up a pair of normal, nine-inch dressmaker shears*

Customer: “Well, what am I supposed to use?”

(I gesture to the six feet of wall space devoted to sewing scissors in all of their glory.)

Customer: “I just spent over $100 on fabric and you’re going to make me buy scissors?!”

(She then decides that, since I won’t cut her pattern for her, she is going to return the fabric.)

Customer: “I will buy my fabric at [Craft Store that doesn’t sell fabric] where they do this for me all the time.”

(While I’m remeasuring the fabric for the return, the customer then starts grabbing the safety pins she’s used to mark her cuts.)

Customer: “These are mine! You can’t keep them!”

(And this is why we are always hiring. No one puts up with this much crazy for long.)

(I work at a local video game store, where we buy and sell used games and electronic accessories. Every item in our store comes with a 30-day same-item exchange warranty to insure the customer always gets a working product. I am helping another customer out when a new one comes in, approaches the counter and, seeing that all our employees are busy, tries to talk to me, anyway.)

Customer: “Excuse me, sir. I just have a quick question.”

Me: *while I am looking up prices for the previous customer already standing at my counter* “Yeah, shoot.”

Customer: “Well, I bought this charging cable for my [Console] controller a while back, but it doesn’t seem to be working. I was told last time I could bring it back for an exchange.”

Me: “Once I finish here, I will take a look.” *I finish helping my previous customer* “All right. Can I take a look?”

(The customer hands me a charging cable. It is covered in dust, and the inside of the USB is actually rusted over.)

Me: “Um, you just bought this?”

Customer: “Yes, very recently. I was told I could return it for another one if there were any problems, and it isn’t working.”

(I look over the cord incredulously, refusing to believe we could possibly sell something in such terrible condition.)

Me: “Can I see a receipt, sir?”

Customer: “Yup, I thought you might need it.”

(He pulls out a crumpled piece of paper and hands it to me. Upon inspection, I am not surprised to see that the receipt is from over six months ago.)

Me: “Sir, I am sorry. There isn’t really anything I can do here; this purchase is from nearly half a year ago.”

Customer: *looking at me as if I am some sort of madman* “But I was told I could return it.”

Me: “We only offer a thirty-day same-item exchange on all of our products. We can’t possibly begin to cover something that has been in your possession for so long.”

Customer: “Oh, I must’ve brought the wrong receipt. I have another one in my car. I’ll be right back.”

(After a quick trot outside, the customer returns to the desk with a new receipt. I almost facepalm after looking at the date.)

Me: “Sir, this one is from four months ago.”

Customer: “See? I told you I had a more recent one.”

Me: “We only cover it for thirty days.”

Customer: “Look. I can’t waste anymore time on this. I want to speak to your manager. I bought both these cords from here, and now you’re telling me I can’t return one that didn’t work.”

(My manager came over and had the exact same talk with the customer. After about twenty minutes of having the exchange policy explained to him, he threw a fit, claiming that no one ever told him about the policy before. When we pointed out that the policy was both written on his receipt and posted on signs within the store, he then threw the cord on the ground and stomped off. He started shouting to people outside that we were con artists and should be arrested for stealing his money.)

(I get a call at box office one Tuesday. We don’t get our showtime schedules for the next Friday-through-Thursday week until Wednesday.)

Caller: “Do you have [Movie] playing on Friday?”

Me: “I apologize, but unfortunately, we won’t have the schedule for Friday until sometime tomorrow.”

Caller: “So, what are you trying to tell me? You aren’t open Friday?”

Me: “No, that’s not at all what I’m saying. I’m merely saying that we won’t have our Friday schedule until sometime tomorrow.”

Caller: “If you’re open Friday, why can’t you tell me what’s playing that day?”

Me: “Because the schedule hasn’t been made yet.”

Caller: “So, you’re not open Friday?”

Me: “Yes, we are.”

Caller: “So, why won’t you tell me if [Movie] is playing?”

Me: “Because we don’t have our showtimes for Friday scheduled yet.”

Caller: “So, that means you’re not open Friday, right? You can’t be open if nothing is scheduled. Why do you keep saying you’re open Friday when you don’t have anything scheduled?”

Me: “Because we will have a schedule tomorrow. Showtimes for the next week are scheduled and posted Wednesday.”

Caller: “So, you are going to be open Friday?”

Me: “Yes, I guarantee it; we’re open 365 days a year.”

Caller: “Okay… so, what time is [Movie] playing on Friday?”

(This went on and on in circles until I gave up and transferred the call to a manager, who eventually gave up and hung up on the caller.)

(I’m at home awaiting pickup of a defective appliance for warranty replacement. There is construction on the main road to my house; I’ve made this clear to the pickup service, and provided alternate directions and my phone number in case the road is closed. It should have been picked up over half an hour ago. I call the service.)

Service: *puts me on hold and calls the driver* “The driver says he was there but you weren’t home. We’ll have to reschedule for tomorrow.”

Me: “I’ve been here all morning. No one has been here. I’m certain of this; the dog would have gone nuts if someone rang or knocked. I took off work for this pickup.”

Service: “I’ll contact the driver and see if he’s still in the area.”

(A few minutes later, my phone rings…)

Driver: “I can’t get to your house. We’ll have to reschedule for tomorrow.”

Me: “Where are you? I can give you directions.”

(He’s at a truck stop three minutes from my house. I give the directions. They aren’t simple — five extra turns — but should be within the abilities of a professional driver.)

Driver: “I can’t do that. We’ll have to reschedule.”

Me: “Wait there. I’ll be there in three minutes.”

(He ended up following me to my house. I had to supply my own dolly to get the appliance to his truck and help him load it. I was so happy that the defective appliance was gone that I didn’t question him about the obvious lie that he’d already been to my house.)