(A customer asked me to help with the Skee-Ball machine.)

Me: “Is the machine broken or malfunctioning?”

Customer: “Do you know where the skis are?”

Me: “…excuse me?”

Customer: “Ski ball. Where are the skis for me to play with?”

Me: “Skis?”

Customer: “As in cross-country skis?”

Me: “This isn’t that kind of Skee-Ball. You pick up the ball and roll it up there.”

Customer: “Then why is there a slope with a ramp on it at the end?”

Me: “For you to roll the ball up?”

Customer: “IT’S A SKI SLOPE! Although it’s kind of… backward.” *examines the machine*

This story is part of our Backward roundup!

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Customer: “I’d like three vanilla soft serve, please.”

Me: “Sure thing. Would you like that in a cup or a cone?”

Customer: “What’s the difference?”

Me: “One is in a cup, and one is in a cone.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll have them in cups.”

(I make the soft serve, put them in cups and hand them to the customer.)

Customer: “This isn’t what I wanted. They’re in plastic cups.”

Me: “I thought you said you wanted them in cups.”

Customer: “By cup, I thought you meant, like… a cup cone. Some kind of cone in the shape of a cup!”

Me: *in the drive-thru* “Hello, welcome to [Fast Food Place]. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Yes, hi, I was just wondering, what are your apple slices?”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, I don’t understand the question. Are you asking for the price?”

Customer: “No, I want to know what they are. On the menu it says ‘apple slices’. What are they?”

Me: “They’re… slices of apple, sir.”

Customer: “That’s it?”

Me: “Yes sir.”

Customer: “Oh. I thought maybe they were something fancier than that. Never mind.”

(A customer has been staring doubtfully at one of our wall maps of the United States. I witness him frowning speculatively and then counting each state slowly.)

Me: “Sir, can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “It seems your map of the U.S. is out of date. There aren’t enough states.”

Me: “Hmm. That’s odd. Let me see.”

(I examine the map, but can find nothing amiss.)

Me: “Nope, it looks perfect to me. Is there something I’m missing?”

Customer: “Yeah, there’s only fifty states on this map.”

Me: “That’s correct.”

Customer: “But there are fifty-two states. Alaska and Hawaii were fifty-one and fifty-two. They’re on the map; I just can’t figure out which ones are missing…”

Me: “…none of them are missing, sir. The United States has only fifty states. Look, we have flags too. For every state, there’s a star.”

(He proceeds to count every star on the flag. In disgust, he puts the flag away.)

Customer: “Your flags are out of date, too! I’m telling you there are fifty-two states in the USA! You need to update your merchandise and learn about your country!” *storms out*

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Can you… do… this coupon?” *holds out coupon*

Me: “Yes, our two-for-one special. What flavors would you like?”

(The customer then dictates two particularly long and complicated orders.)

Customer: “I don’t like the energy you gave off while making those ice creams. Make them again.”

Me: “Okay… I’ll try to change my energy, sir.”

(Later, after I re-did the order.)

Me: “That would be $3.66, please.”

Customer: “But I have a coupon.”

Me: “A two-for-one means you have to pay for one of the two ice creams.”

Customer: “Pay…? But… free?”

Me: “You have to pay, yes.”

Customer: “But I just wanted free ice-cream…”

Me: “Do you even have any money?”

Customer: “What the h*** do I need money for? I have a coupon!”

This story is part of our Ice Cream roundup!

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