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You’re Never Gonna Make It To The White House With That Enunciation!

, , , , , , | Learning | February 25, 2023

It’s the first day of World Literature class, and my teacher has started some activities where we can get to know each other better. One of the questions involves asking another person where they want to eat on their birthday.

Student #1: “And [Student #2] said that he wants to eat at the White House.”

Teacher: “Okay! That seems a little ambitious, but…”

Student #2: “I said The Lighthouse, the place over on [Street]!”

Like A Splash Of Cold, Chlorinated Water To The Face

, , , , , , , | Learning | February 17, 2023

I teach swimming lessons to young children. One of the mothers thinks I’m way too lax with teaching. She thinks it’s my fault her child isn’t perfect after three lessons and just “playing around”. The kid is four years old and very playful. Focusing for forty minutes straight is just too hard for them. The mother complains every lesson that her “miracle” has made “so little progress”, while the kid is progressing normally. It is important to note that I am chubby.

The child is fooling around and I say:

Me: “Ho, ho!”

As in, “Be careful!”

Child: “You sound just like Santa!”

Instead, the child’s mother hears, “You are just like Santa!”

I hear a gasp from the side of the pool and see the mother turning red. She starts waving her hands.

Mother: “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry!”

I didn’t get any more complaints from the mother for the rest of the year. A wonderful Christmas gift from the child!

Small But Mighty!

, , , , , | Learning | February 13, 2023

I am an American teaching English in China. We are winding down after the last classes on a Friday evening. I’m in the back with our boss and one of the two head teachers when we hear a crash coming from the front room accompanied by the sound of lots of scattering little pieces.

Boss: “Sounds like someone dropped the Lego box.”

Me: “That sounded pretty loud. I’ll check it out.”

I jog out of the teachers’ office and around to the front room. I pass by the Lego building area and nothing is amiss there. I head to the entrance and, to my shock, I find one of the double glass entrance doors completely shattered on the ground! Two of our local Chinese workers are talking with an elderly woman and a younger woman, and there is a crying five-year-old boy with a bloody cut on his head. I run back to the teachers’ office.

Me: “It was our door! A kid broke the front door!”

Boss: “A kid broke our door?!”

Me: “There’s glass everywhere and a child is bleeding. You need to come out here and deal with this.”

The three of us returned to the scene of the incident. The head foreign and head local employees were talking with the mother. I didn’t understand much of what was going on because the discussion was almost entirely in Chinese. However, at one point, the elderly woman (who had been mostly silent during this event) objected to something the younger woman said. The old woman punched the younger woman in the shoulder and said some angry words to her.

I later learned that the elderly woman was the younger woman’s mother and the child’s grandmother. The younger woman was trying to put the blame on us, but her mother was having none of it and making her take responsibility for her son’s actions.

We had to close down the area for safety concerns and direct everyone out of an alternate egress point. A guard was hired to stand watch all night since we could no longer secure the main entrance. The door was boarded up and eventually replaced — with another double glass door that honestly looked worse in quality.

The security camera footage showed the boy running into the door and pushing it all the way open. He kept pushing it after it had reached its limit. Since he was small, he was putting all his force against the lower part of the door, causing it to flex. Tempered glass is under pressure and does not react well to being bent, so it shattered and collapsed. The top 20% of shattered glass stayed in one chunk until it landed on top of the boy, which is what caused the head wound. He received a few stitches in a hospital but was otherwise all right.

The head employees visited him in the hospital. Confronted with the video evidence and Grandma, the mother did not attempt to hold our business responsible, and insurance paid for the replacement door.

Aww, Your First College Lesson!

, , , , , , | Learning | February 11, 2023

I’m an administrative assistant for a school within a large university. I mainly work under the associate dean of the college and answer her phone line when she isn’t here or is busy.

We’re coming up on deadlines for applications, and we’ve had a ton of fee waiver requests since the fee is a little steep at $90.

Me: “Good morning, [School].”

Student: “Hi, I’m applying there and haven’t submitted my application yet because I’m waiting for a fee waiver. Is it still possible to get one?”

At this point in the admissions cycle, 99% of the fee waiver codes have been given out and we’re saving a handful for special cases. I completely understand why some applicants can’t afford the fee, but there’s nothing I can do about it as a lowly assistant.

Me: “I’m so sorry, but all of the fee waivers have been given out at this point. Can I help you with anything else?”

Student: *Dejectedly* “No… I guess not.”

Me: “All right, then. Have a nice day.”

Two seconds later, the dean’s line starts ringing. I clock instantly that it’s the same number that just called the general line. Eyebrow raised, I answer.

Me: “Good morning, [School].”

Student: *Click*

I suppose he was trying to get around me to someone higher up, but he could have just asked for me to transfer him.

Stay Frosty! (It Goes Great With Fries)

, , , , , , | Learning | February 2, 2023

I’m a middle school teacher, and I try to keep up with “the hip lingo.” (Thank you, Urban Dictionary.) I’m not very good with it, but I do know that the new word “salty” means that someone has a bad attitude or is giving someone attitude.

I’m in class with a student who is giving me attitude. He also is “too cool for school” and loves to give teachers the runaround. I’ve had enough and decide to mess with him.

Me: “Am I a french fry?”

He blinks.

Kid: “What?”

Me: “Am I a french fry?”

Kid: “I don’t know what that means.”

Me: “Am I a french fry?”

Kid: “No?”

Me: “Then stop throwing salt at me!”

The class laughed and he even chuckled. He fixed his attitude after that.