It’s The Most Competitive Time Of The Year

, , , , | Right | December 23, 2020

I am a bartender for one of the top soccer clubs in the country. The other members of the crew and I don’t have a set spot in the stadium, and on this particular evening, I am bartending at the opponent’s side. It’s around Christmas, and all of us are wearing Christmas hats with the logo of the club on it. Then, this happens.

Me: “Hello, sir, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Why are you wearing that hat?”

Me: “Well, since it’s almost Christmas, [Club] handed out these hats to the fans and the crew.”

Customer: “Yes, but why are you wearing it here?”

Me: “I… I’m not sure what you mean, sir?”

Customer: “You’re working for us [the opponents] now, not for them. You shouldn’t wear that logo here. F****** moron.”

He then walked away without ordering anything.

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Check Yourself Before You Wreck Someone Else

, , , , , , , , , | Healthy | August 6, 2020

This took place about eight years ago. My younger brother and I join a group of guys for a game of indoor football — soccer — at our local sports centre every weekend. Everyone else is college age, seventeen or eighteen, while I am the eldest at twenty.

Things go by smoothly. One of the guys is a friend of ours, and there is a clear mix of ability so there is little in the way of unbalanced teams. Nonetheless, one of the guys is super competitive and continually body-checks others into the walls in order to tackle them. As the eldest in the group, I have de facto responsibility to ensure everyone’s health and safety, so I gently ask him at the end of the session to tone down his tackling, since he could seriously injure or be injured in doing so. As I feared, he simply brushes it off and says everything will be fine.

Cut to a few weeks later. My brother is unable to come with so it is just me this time. Everything goes fine until a harsh tackle from me on another guy causes me to roll my ankle, causing me to fall hard on my lower back. As play stops, the idiot I mentioned has the brilliant idea of grabbing me by the arms and ankles and carrying me away from the playing area!

While they carry on their game without a care in the world, I am lying there in agony. Between the now worsened ankle injury, they also jarred my lower back by unceremoniously dumping me on the floor. My friend stops playing and comes over to see if I’m okay. I immediately order him to get a member of staff, which he does. When the on-duty first aider — also the manager — arrives, the guys laugh and tell me to “stop acting like a p****,” to which my friend replies that this is serious.

An ambulance is called and my mother arrives after my friend used my phone to call her. About six hours later, I leave the local hospital on crutches with a severe high ankle sprain and strained lower lumbar muscles, and a metric crapload of various prescription painkillers. The following morning, my ankle has swelled to twice the size and looks the colour of a ripe blackberry. I take a photo for my university as proof — I commute to the uni and will be in no shape to get there for at least a week, maybe even two — and settle in to working out how to use my crutches effectively.

Six months later, I start training again to get my fitness back, and my brother and I go back to the football group. Naturally, they laugh that I took half a year off for “diving”…

…until I wordlessly walk up to the idiot in charge and show him the photo of my blackberry-coloured, inflated ankle. I stress my warning back to him from way before, and I swear I have never seen the colour fade so fast from someone seeing consequences of their actions. 

Nowadays, my ankle is fully functional, if slightly more tender, while my lower back has developed into full-on sciatica. Still enjoy football, though!

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We Do Not Support Your Lack Of Patronage

, , , , | Right | March 11, 2020

I work at a sports arena. On our tickets, it states that no one may bring in outside food and beverage. On our website, it says the same thing. The security guard who has to check for the stuff in bags and purses finds this bag of candy in a woman’s purse and tells her that it can’t come into the park. After several F-bombs in front of her children, she slams the bag of candy into the trash can and says, “I won’t be supporting this team ever again.”

As I scan her tickets, apologizing for the inconvenience, I notice that her tickets were free and that she lives out of the state. A man hearing this says, “Yep. I’m thinking of not supporting this team for the same reason.” 

I ask him how often he comes to baseball games here and he says, “This is my first one. I live in Idaho.”

I guess they won’t be supporting the team. Darn.

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American Culture Sure Is A Picture Show

, , , , , | Romantic | February 18, 2019

(I am an American living in Mexico in the 90s. I’m ice skating with my girlfriend when “The Time Warp” comes on the PA.)

Me: “Oh, this is from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Girlfriend: “What’s that?”

Me: “It’s an American movie about a transvestite scientist who creates a Frankenstein-like man to be their personal sex slave. But it turns out the doctor is an alien. In the US they have midnight showings of the movie, where the men wear women’s underwear and people say all these crazy quotes and throw things at the screen.”

Girlfriend: “I see.”

(It was then that I learned there are some concepts that simply do not transcend cultures.)


This story is part of our Scary Movies roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Times Customers Were So Bad You Could Make A Movie About It

 

Read the next Scary Movies roundup story!

Read the Scary Movies roundup!

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Slipping Past All Logic And Reason

, , , , | Right | February 7, 2019

(I work in an ice rink, helping kids learn how to skate and doing birthday parties. Our rink is notorious for not being cold enough and the quality of ice not very good, which leads to it being quite wet and melted on busy days. On this particular busy day, I am helping out a child along the barrier when two ladies struggling along the barrier just behind me call out to me.)

Woman #1: “Excuse me. Do you work here?”

Me: “Uh, yeah, I do. What can I help you with?”

Woman #2: “Can you make the ice less slippery?”

(I stand there dumbfounded for a few seconds before replying, not quite sure if they are being serious or not.)

Me: “Well, the ice is a little melted today, but at the end of the day ice is ice. There’s not much I can do to make it less slippery.”

Woman #1: “Well, they should figure out a way to make it less slippery!”

(After that, I just turned back to the kid I was helping, trying to contain my laughter.)

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