An Interesting Train Of Thought

, , , , , | Friendly | February 24, 2020

In many societies, people keep dogs as companions or burglar alarms but don’t train them to obey commands systematically. I grew up with dogs like this, but I am trying to train my current dog. One thing I’ve taught her is to sit at the gate before we go for walks so she doesn’t get in the habit of bolting through the open gate by herself. 

As we are going out one day, a random man is walking past.


The dog sits.

“Hawu, sisi! [Wow, sister!] Your dog can speak English?”

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It’s Becoming A Regular Problem

, , | Right | February 4, 2020

(In the store I work for, there’s a café area that has smoothies, cold teas, coffee, and the like. It’s across from where I usually stand as a cashier. Most customers either order first and then pay me, or they pay me and walk behind them to order. Sometimes, there is a wait because the café team is understaffed, and they all have plenty of other things to get done. Some people, mostly regulars, are less than understanding. A regular — usually a nice one that I talk to frequently when she’s in — is waiting by the café after paying. She’s been there maybe twenty seconds and has repeatedly claimed she is in a hurry.)

Regular: “Is this even open?!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I’ve already called someone up.”

Regular: “I hate the system here!”

(My coworker gets her drink. As the regular is leaving, she says more to me.)

Regular: “I hate the system you guys have here! It’s why I stopped coming back!”

(I’ve seen this woman very frequently throughout my working history there. The last time I saw her was two days before, where she complimented a dress I wore.)

Me: “You did?”

(She just scoffed and hurried out after that. Two days later, she was in again with her husband. They both complimented a necklace I was wearing that my mother gave me.)

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Unfiltered Story #184572

, , | Unfiltered | February 4, 2020

I’m the dopey customer in this one. I needed to replace my shower cubicle and decided to call up a few home depot stores that sold them, to get quotes. I started with one of the biggest in South Africa, whose main products were sanitary ware and accessories for bathrooms. They even had the word “bathroom” in their name.

Clerk: Good day, (company name), this is (name), how may I help you?
Me: Hi, can you put me through to your bathroom department please?
Clerk: I’m sorry? Which department would you like?
Me: *still not realising what I’ve asked* Your bathroom department please.
Clerk: … Ma’am, this is (company name). Our whole store is the bathroom department. What in particular do you need?
Me: *finally realising and bursting out laughing* I’m so sorry! I need to speak to someone about a shower replacement.
Clerk: *also laughing* ok, now we’re getting somewhere. Hold on please.

An Ocean Of Grievances

, , , , , , | Right | January 22, 2020

I was skippering a large charter boat off the west coast of South Africa in the 1990s. We took a group of passengers up the coast and stopped off at an island overnight, where we fed them freshly-caught crayfish, BBQ, and all sorts of rich food. The party went on well into the night and many bottles of booze were consumed against the advice of me and my crew.

In the morning, the wind had changed direction and was picking up strongly. The sailing got rougher and rougher, and as captain, I decided to ask the passengers to stay below deck.

Suddenly, one of the passengers ran on to the deck to be ill and, understandably, given how ill he was feeling, had a little breakdown and started screaming abuse and demanding to be taken to shore. I explained that, as we were more than 30 miles from the nearest harbour, nothing could be done.

That’s when he crossed over to the dark side and threatened to kill us before trying to jump overboard to swim for shore. I caught him before he was over the railings and managed to pin him to the deck while he was screaming, trying to bite and punch me, and generally behaving like a crazy person. As I was holding him down, his girlfriend leapt onto my back, also screaming like a banshee, and started hitting me in the head with a shoe.

That’s when I decided I’d had enough and released my inner Captain Bligh, muscling both of them into the aft lazarette, a small stowage area on the boat, and locking them in the tiny enclosed space for the eight hours it took me to get them to shore. Their friends tried to protest and were informed that if they didn’t like it they were welcome to join them and so we sailed in solemn, bitter silence until we hit the wharf.

I released the wayward couple there and watched as they staggered to shore, covered in vomit, and stalked down the pier without a backward glance, never to be seen again.

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Some Dry Humor Could Have Saved The Day

, , | Right | January 16, 2020

(I’m the stupid customer in this story, unfortunately. I buy a mascara from a large retail store but when I get home and open it, it is completely dried out. I go to return it.)

Me: “Sorry, I bought this mascara yesterday and it’s completely dried out.”

Sales Person: “I’m so sorry! Do you have a receipt? Let me have a look and get a refund for you.”

Me: *hands over receipt and mascara*

Sales Person: “…”

Me: “…”

Sales Person: “This is a microfibre mascara.”

Me: “I don’t care what kind it is; it’s dry.”

Sales Person: “Um… it’s not an actual mascara. It’s microfibres that you apply to eyelashes along with mascara to add volume.”

Me: “But it’s dry.”

Sales Person: “It’s microfibres. Not mascara.”

Me: “…”

Sales Person: “Do you still want a refund?”

Me: *properly embarrassed* “No, it’s fine. I’ll keep it.”

(Fun fact: now that I actually know what it is and how to use it, it’s fantastic! My eyelashes look amazing when I use it.)

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