Unable To Nip That One In The Bud

, , , | Right | March 23, 2018

(I work in a liquor store. The store is laid out in a way that means I have to personally give the customer the item that they request. A “nip” refers to tiny bottles.)

Me: “Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I want a nip.”

Me: “Okay, sir. A nip of what, exactly?”

Customer: “A nip.”

Me: “What kind of nip, sir?”

Customer: *points to the shelf*

Me: “So, a nip of vodka?”

Customer: *shakes his head*

Me: *trying to keep calm* “Brandy?”

Customer: *nods*

(The store carries roughly ten different brands of brandy.)

Me: “All right, sir. What kind of brandy?”

Customer: “A nip.”

Me: “Sir, I meant the brand.”

Customer: “A nip!”

(He passed out in the store before I could figure out what kind of brandy he wanted.)

Has A Sudden Lens Flare

, , , , | Healthy | February 15, 2018

(I have just moved to a new area, and I decide to try out the local optometrist to get new contact lenses. I book the appointment, and the doctor asks me to come in with my current prescription and their respective casings. The day of the appointment, I wake up with the most horrible stomach pain, but I decide to suck it up and go to the appointment. The doctor is very cheerful and friendly. She asks if I’m currently wearing my lenses while she looks at my old prescription, and I tell her I am. A few minutes into my eye test, she sighs in wonder.)

Doctor: “I don’t understand why your previous doctor has you on such a high prescription! You should be on a -1, at most!”

(I’m quite taken aback, as my previous doctor in my hometown is one of the most acclaimed optometrists in the country, and I have been wearing -3 prescription lenses for over a year without any problems.)

Me: “That’s really weird. I’m blind as a bat without these lenses. Even when I started wearing glasses, I was at least a -2.”

Doctor: “You shouldn’t be able to read this chart at all with your eyes. I’m really not sure what’s going on here.”

Me: *pause* “You are aware I’m still wearing my lenses, right?”

Doctor: “…”

Me: “…”

(Turns out we were having such a nice chat that she’d completely forgotten to ask me to take them out, and I was so focused on my stomach pain that I hadn’t thought to ask. We had a good laugh about it, and the rest of the test went smoothly! She’s one of the nicest doctors I’ve been to in a long time, and she gave me a good chuckle on a bad Monday morning!)

A Cute Way Of Saying It

, , , , , | Learning | February 13, 2018

(I’m in grade school. There’s a girl in the first grade with somewhat of a social problem. She has trouble reading social cues — more so than an average seven-year-old — and tends to blurt out whatever she’s thinking. Everyone in the small school is used to it and nobody hassles her about it. Teachers generally ignore her when she puts her hand up in group settings; they would rather answer her questions in private afterwards. One day, all the students are gathered to watch a presentation about owls.)

Presenter: “Owls have an acute spine. Does anyone know what ‘acute’ means?”

(The little girl puts up her hand and the presenter, blissfully unaware, picks her to answer the question.)

Girl: “IT MEANS IT’S TINY AND VERY SEXY!”

Pimping Out Your Understanding Of That Word

, , , , | Related | December 11, 2017

(I’m joking around in my bedroom with a friend and my five-year-old niece is sitting nearby, wanting to be one of the “big kids.” She’s usually very quiet and reserved, so it’s easy to forget she’s there.)

Me: “That guy is totally her pimp.”

Niece: “What’s a pimp?”

Me: “Uh… Pimp My Ride is a show that was on TV a long time ago. Basically, you take your car to these guys, and they make it look crazy.”

(I showed her some pictures to make my cover-up more credible. She was really interested and asked if she can watch some of the show. I agreed and showed her some clips. Now, she asks to watch “Pimp My Ride” every day, and she tells everyone with a car that they should get it pimped.)

Acting Like They Were Born Yesterday

, , , , | Working | November 28, 2017

(My dog has just given birth to puppies. Two days later, when I take them and the mother to the SPCA — Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals — to get checked:)

SPCA Person: “If you want us to check your dog who just had puppies, you need to supply a certificate to show she’s been neutered.”

Me: “…”

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