Let’s Vaguely Saunter Into The Sunset

, , , , | Romantic | November 7, 2017

(My boyfriend and I are cuddled up watching TV and playfully talking about eloping. I am notoriously lazy.)

Me: “Let’s run away together!”

Boyfriend: “You realise the word ‘run’ is in there, right?”

Me: “Never mind. Let’s brisk-walk away together!”

Boyfriend: “That’s still moving, my love.”

Me: “Fine, then carry me to the car so we can drive off into the sunset… with you driving. I’ll be by your side forever! Passenger side.”

Boyfriend: *laughing and kissing my forehead* ” You’re such a romantic!”

Me: “I try.”

Don’t Swallow It

, , , , | Working | October 25, 2017

(Some colleagues who like scuba diving are explaining it to the rest of us:)

Colleague #1: “You just have to remember that you can breathe underwater; don’t spit out your regulator no matter what, and then you are fine.”

Colleague #2: *non-diver* “What happens if you drop it?”

Colleague #1: “You have a spare clipped to your waist.”

Colleague #2: “So, when you put the spare back in your mouth do you just have to swallow the water?”

Colleague #3: “No, there’s a button that ejaculates the water.”

(The rest of us completely lose it.)

Colleague #3: “I think the word I was looking for was ‘evacuates.’”

One Would Be More Effective Than The Other

, , , | Learning | October 16, 2017

(I am listening to a talk show about Youth Day and the rights of children. Someone who sounds like an old man calls in:)

Caller: “Children have too many rights these days. They are rebellious, and don’t respect their elders. I think we need to bring back capital punishment in schools.”

Host: *long pause* “I think you mean ‘corporal’ punishment.”

We Know Where You Can Stick That Bucket

, , | Right | August 14, 2017

(I work as a travel agent and on Saturdays I work alone. I have just come back from the restroom and reopened the store when the phone rings.)

Me: “[Travel Agency]. [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Finally! I was wondering if you guys were open at all! I have called ten times already!”

(I can see on my screen he has only called twice before.)

Me: “Sorry, sir. I am alone and had to step out to the restroom for five minutes.”

Customer: “Don’t you have a bucket you guys can use to be close to the phone? Rather inconvenient for the customer to be kept waiting.”

Me: “Unfortunately, not all of us are barbarians that relieve themselves in buckets. Now, how can I help you?”

Customer: *hangs up*

Brush Off The Hearing Loss

, , , , | Related | August 12, 2017

(I’m playing with my two-year-old son when the following exchange happens.)

Son: “I want to play with the toilet brush!”

Me: “No! Yucky!”

Son: “The toilet brush! The toilet brush!”

Me: “I can’t let you. You can get sick.”

(Son runs to the main bedroom, which has an en-suite bathroom. I chase after him. My wife is in the bedroom.)

Wife: “Hey, what are you looking for?”

Son: “The toilet brush!”

Wife: “The story blocks? Sure, here they are!”

(Son happily walks out of the bedroom with his box of story blocks. I still don’t understand how I got what he said so wrong!)

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