I overheard this at my local game retailer.
Customer #1: “Why would you play [Game]?”
Customer #2: “For the same reason anyone plays any game; they enjoy it.”
Customer #1: “But it’s rated E!”
Customer #2: “Which stands for EVERYONE. What, you think that just because something is family-friendly, that means that adults can’t enjoy it?”
Me: “Did you finish all the vanilla ice cream?”
Boyfriend: “Yes.”
Me: “The whole gallon?”
Boyfriend: “We didn’t get any last trip to the store.”
Me: “You have an ice cream problem.”
Boyfriend: “No, you have an ice cream problem.”
Me: “Huh?”
Boyfriend: “You have an ice cream problem. I am the ice cream problem!”
My aunt (we’ll call her Jane) was dating a man (we’ll call him John) who was twenty-two years older than she was, and he eventually became her second husband. He pulled this gag on her at a store’s checkout.
As they approached the cashier’s station, John hung back, so it wasn’t obvious that they were together. Jane didn’t think anything of it and started placing her items on the belt. Just as she finished, John walked up and put a pack of gum on the belt. The cashier looked at my aunt, who said, “Go ahead.”
The cashier finished ringing her out and announced the total.
John: “I’ll get this.”
Jane: “It’s okay. I’ve got it.”
John: “I insist; it’s the least I can do.”
Jane: “Well, okay.”
He hands the cashier money and gets his change, and then…
John: “Now that I’ve paid for your purchase, will you tell me your name?”
Jane: “JOHN!”
I was already warned by the hosts that I had an annoying cornball at my table when he wrote his name down on the waitlist as “Hugh Jazz” and asked them to repeatedly call it out when his table was ready. I’m in the weeds but can handle getting triple-sat. The first two tables are chill, expedient, and flawless.
Then, I reach the “hero” of our story. He has a female companion with him; I don’t know how he landed a date.
Me: “Hi, can I get you anything to drink?”
Customer: *With a dumb grin* “I don’t know. Can you?”
I groan hard on the inside.
Me: “Yep, it’s my job. Couple coffees?”
Customer’s Date: “Sure!”
Customer: “I’ll have a non-decaf!”
Me: “So… two regular coffees?”
Customer: “Yes!” *To his date* “This guy’s sharp!”
I’m just not in the mood, and I bail to go fetch the coffees. I have a feeling this guy must have murals of “Marmaduke” and “Garfield” comics lining his walls.
I drop off the coffees on the table and his date asks me for creamer. I point at the caddy on the table.
Me: “We have half-and-half right here.”
Customer: “Then I’ll have a whole!”
Me: *A bit perplexed* “Whole milk?”
Customer: “Suuuuure.”
I am just not getting a good read on this guy, but I am getting annoyed. I turn around to take care of other tables but eventually work my way to the kitchen walk-in and grab a small pitcher of whole milk.
I come back to the table, and the guy has already dumped a few creamers into his coffee.
Me: “Uh, did you ask for milk?”
Customer: “Already got it. A half and a half make a whole!”
He starts cackling. For the record, his date is not reacting or laughing at anything, either.
I pretty much lose it and break character.
Me: “No, bud, that is just awful. I’ve got a million things to do. You can’t just be wasting my time.”
He clammed up and apologized, and he was quiet for the rest of the evening. Sometimes it’s the small victories.
For the record, I don’t have anything against people trying to be funny. I know they mean good cheer, but at least rehearse in front of an audience at the local dive’s open mic night to find out how awful your material is instead of holding employees hostage who don’t have a choice.
Coworker: “Is something broken?”
Me: “I don’t think so. Why?”
Coworker: “There’s a weird rumbling or humming coming from somewhere. Sounds like something is broken… or about to break.”
I walked over with her to her section, and she was right. There was a strange sound, like an engine straining, coming from… somewhere.
We followed the sound to the source, and both of us tried to stifle our laughter.
I know it’s a cliché, but we have a large seating area in the store we call the “Husband Zone”, as it’s where all the husbands sit patiently while their wives shop for clothes. Often they will read magazines or talk amongst themselves about equally cliched husbandy things (trust me, I’m not stereotyping — they do!) but today was something special.
Four sleeping husbands had managed to synchronize their snoring so perfectly that there was a constant sound at the same pitch, never interrupted, always taken over by the next husband when it was time to inhale. It was… amazing.
Sadly, it only lasted a few more seconds before one of them coughed, breaking the cadence and ending the magic.
This story is part of the Editors’-Favorite-Stories Of-2022 roundup!
Read the next Editors’-Favorite-Stories Of-2022 roundup story!
