The Trick To Any Creative Endeavor Is Knowing When To Stop

I was already warned by the hosts that I had an annoying cornball at my table when he wrote his name down on the waitlist as “Hugh Jazz” and asked them to repeatedly call it out when his table was ready. I’m in the weeds but can handle getting triple-sat. The first two tables are chill, expedient, and flawless.

Then, I reach the “hero” of our story. He has a female companion with him; I don’t know how he landed a date.

Me: “Hi, can I get you anything to drink?”

Customer: *With a dumb grin* “I don’t know. Can you?”

I groan hard on the inside.

Me: “Yep, it’s my job. Couple coffees?”

Customer’s Date: “Sure!”

Customer: “I’ll have a non-decaf!”

Me: “So… two regular coffees?”

Customer: “Yes!” *To his date* “This guy’s sharp!”

I’m just not in the mood, and I bail to go fetch the coffees. I have a feeling this guy must have murals of “Marmaduke” and “Garfield” comics lining his walls.

I drop off the coffees on the table and his date asks me for creamer. I point at the caddy on the table.

Me: “We have half-and-half right here.”

Customer: “Then I’ll have a whole!”

Me: *A bit perplexed* “Whole milk?”

Customer: “Suuuuure.”

I am just not getting a good read on this guy, but I am getting annoyed. I turn around to take care of other tables but eventually work my way to the kitchen walk-in and grab a small pitcher of whole milk.

I come back to the table, and the guy has already dumped a few creamers into his coffee.

Me: “Uh, did you ask for milk?”

Customer: “Already got it. A half and a half make a whole!”

He starts cackling. For the record, his date is not reacting or laughing at anything, either.

I pretty much lose it and break character.

Me: “No, bud, that is just awful. I’ve got a million things to do. You can’t just be wasting my time.”

He clammed up and apologized, and he was quiet for the rest of the evening. Sometimes it’s the small victories.

For the record, I don’t have anything against people trying to be funny. I know they mean good cheer, but at least rehearse in front of an audience at the local dive’s open mic night to find out how awful your material is instead of holding employees hostage who don’t have a choice.