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Hobbits Never Have These Problems

, , , , , , | Right | August 19, 2021

I’m shopping in a store. I’m fairly tall for a woman — 5′9″. A much shorter woman approaches me.

Woman #1: “Excuse me. I know you don’t work here, but would you mind getting that box off the top shelf for me?”

I hand it to her, she thanks me, and I take one step when another woman comes out of nowhere and starts yelling at me.

Woman #2: “I NEED HELP! GET ME A BLENDER FROM THE BACK! I KNOW YOU HAVE MORE! I WANT IT NOW! MOVE!”

I stare at her for about two seconds, tell her, “I don’t work here”, turn my back, and start to walk away. She grabs my arm and spins me around.

Woman #2: “DON’T YOU LIE TO ME! GET ME THE BLENDER OR I’LL HAVE YOU FIRED!”

I’m wearing a band T-shirt, shorts, and flip-flops — not even close to the store uniform. The short lady I helped hits her hand away from my arm. With more volume than I thought that tiny woman could produce, she yells right back.

Woman #1: “SHE DOESN’T WORK HERE! SHE HELPED ME BECAUSE I ASKED HER POLITELY!”

Dropping to normal volume, she starts to lead me away.

Woman #1: “Come on, dear. Ignore that b****.”

The crazy woman starts screaming she’s going to get me fired and follows us, so I walk to the customer service counter. The crazy woman is still screaming at me.

I make eye contact with the guy behind the counter.

Me: “Manager, please.”

As he picks up his radio, the crazy lady screams:

Woman #2:  “I WANT YOUR NAME”

And she tried to take my purse off my shoulder. I shoved her off and a manager, another employee, and the nice lady I helped all jumped in to pull her away from me. They called the cops and had her escorted from the store with a permanent ban. I declined pressing charges.

I bought lunch for the short lady and we ended up becoming great friends!

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Yeesh. Grow Up.

, , , , , , | Romantic | June 26, 2021

One of the best things about being thirty and older is that you develop a low tolerance for drama in partnerships, gaining a deeper perspective in life as you discover that there is so much more out there than needing to have a significant other at all times.

I ended a four-month-long roller coaster of a relationship with a twenty-six-year-old after deciding that there were too many things about her personality that just didn’t rest well with me. After three months of silence, she contacted me and promised that she would work on her personal issues, and for reasons unclear to me, I elected to give her one last chance on the condition that we take things slowly.

After only a week of communicating only by phone and Facebook, she left me a message.

Girl: “Okay, you know what? I’m done playing around. If you don’t want to be with me, have it your way. I’ve met this guy from [City] and he treats me with way more respect than you ever did!”

She listed all kinds of things about him.

Girl: “I feel strong and safe with him. He is going to be going to [Location] for a vacation and he wants me to come along — and you know what? I’m going with him! It’ll be just him and me! So there! I hope you feel happy now that you blew it with me! Don’t even bother trying to contact me because I’m changing my number! Have a nice life!”

Had I been twenty-one, I would have been ringing her back and trying anything to make her happy. But now, having had all the experiences, I…

…deleted the message, grabbed my tennis racket, and headed for the courts.

Amusingly enough, she contacted me again only a week later.

Girl: “Here is my new number if you ever want to talk and fix things between us.” 

This was later followed several days later with:

Girl: “Okay, I’m sorry. That guy doesn’t really exist; I made it up to make you mad. Can we start over?” 

Neither message got a response. I’m still single, but I’ve learned that it’s better to be happy and alone than to be miserable in a relationship full of drama!


This story is part of our Best Of June 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of June 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of June 2021 roundup!

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Another Day, Another Mouth-Breather

, , , , , | Right | April 16, 2021

I’m at the eye doctor waiting to be called when a guy comes in and loudly announces: 

Customer: “I guess I have to put on the face diaper.”

He puts on the mask but forgets to cover his nose.

Receptionist: “Please cover your nose.”

Customer: “I guess y’all don’t want me to be able to breathe. 666, a new world order is coming.”

He left without even letting them know what it was he needed.

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Insert Several Clapping Emoji Here

, , , , , | Right | February 11, 2021

I am shopping for supplies for a charity I help run. There is one other customer in the same aisle as me: a young woman in a polo and dark pants. Employees of this store wear a different color polo and khaki pants. Another customer turns down the aisle and makes a beeline for the young woman.

Customer: “You. Where are your [product]s? I’ve been all over and I can’t find it. Your store is horribly organized.”

Young Woman: “Oh, I don’t work here, but I think—”

Customer: *Cutting her off* “I insist that you show me where they are, now! I am in quite a hurry!”

The young woman abruptly claps her hands several times, right in the other customer’s face. She looks startled and stops talking.

Young Woman: “Li-sten! I. Don’t. Work. Here.”

Customer: “Uh… but I need—”

Young Woman: “I. Don’t. Work. Here.”

She clapped a couple more times when the customer tried to speak, and finally, the customer slunk off to find someone who actually worked there. I gave the young woman a golf clap and we shared an eye roll before we both got back to shopping.


This story is part of our Best Of February 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of February 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of February 2021 roundup!

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Num-Locked Into A Vicious Cycle

, , , , , | Right | January 6, 2021

Me: “IT help line; this is [My Name].”

High-Maintenance User: “Hi, [My Name]. Remember when you did all that work on my computer yesterday? Well, I can’t log in this morning! Did you do something to the network last night?”

IT “doing something to the network last night” is the primary cause of all problems, according to this user.

Me: “Noooo…”

I am already going to unlock the account.

Me: “Let’s get you unlocked here.”

High-Maintenance User: *Frantic typing* “It still won’t let me log in! Did you do something? Let’s just reset my password!”

During this whole time, he is not letting me answer. But if he wants to reset his password, no skin off my nose.

Me: “Okay… the new password is [new password with numbers and letters].”

High-Maintenance User: *Increasingly frantic* “It’s still not working! It’s not… Oh, wait. I had the Number-Lock key off. That’s why I couldn’t log in, to begin with!”

Another satisfied customer… for now.

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