I work as a caricature artist at a theme park, and though we get the occasional rejection, this one always confuses me. I have just drawn the basic outline of a girl’s face.
Mother: “It doesn’t look like her.”
Me: “I… but… what?”
I work in a tile and flooring store.
Me: “[Store], this is [My Name]; how may I help you?”
Customer: “Hi. I need to know what kind of gray tile you guys have?”
Me: “Uh… sir, we’ve got a pretty big selection; could you narrow that down? Is there a specific type or size you want?”
Customer: “Yeah, I’d like some gray tile.”
Me: “Sir, that’s a bit broad for me to be able to help you over the phone.”
The customer is silent.
Me: “It might be easier if you go online and look at our stock there and get an idea of what you like, and then you can call me back and I can tell you if we have it or not.”
Customer: “No, I’m in the car on my way over. Just tell me about your gray tile.”
Me: “Sir, we have far too big a selection for me to tell you about it over the phone.”
Customer: *Pause* “Get a manager on the phone now. I don’t understand why you’re being so uncooperative.”
I screamed internally. We literally stock about 1200 types of tile at any given time, hence my reluctance to begin consulting on gray tiles willy-nilly.
I move to Texas in 2009. Everyone says I will get a teaching position easily, since I teach math. However, jobs are not forthcoming.
I finally get an interview with a school after applying on their district’s website. The interview is on a Thursday, so I am not expecting any news until the following week. Also, schools rarely call back candidates who they do not hire.
On Tuesday morning the next week, I get a call at home. My phone identifies it as the school, so I’m excited to answer.
Me: “Hello?”
Secretary: “Hello, Mr. [My Name]. This is [High School] in [District]. We’d like to schedule you for an interview. Would you be available tomorrow morning?”
I’m thinking it is a second interview to meet more staff.
Me: “Oh, that’d be great. Is there anything extra you’d like me to bring to this second interview?”
Secretary: *Pause* “Second interview?”
Me: “I interviewed with your principal last Thursday.”
Secretary: “Oh… Never mind.” *Click*
These are multiple accounts of working at a waterpark, zoo, and theme park as a caricature artist.
Guest #1: “That’s where the whale is at, right? He lives there.”
I see he’s pointing to our central fresh-water lake where we have the ski show.
Me: *Pause* “No.”
—
Guest #2: *To her son* “See, snakes don’t have genders like worms, and they don’t have any bones.”
Me: “Actually, ma’am, snakes are mostly just a spine and a lot of ribs.”
Guest #2: “Oh, I think I know what I’m talking about, honey.”
—
Child: “I like dolphins!”
Me: “Why do you like dolphins?”
Child: “Because they eat other dolphins!”
—
A guest motions to the flamingo.
Guest #3: *To their child* “Look, it’s a flamingo!”
The guest points at me.
Guest #3: “Look, it’s an artist!”
It is summer, and I am unemployed. I’m at my family’s garden-style apartment filling out online applications. My computer desk is near our front door.
I hear a knock and get up to answer. I hear some scurrying as I get to the door. When I open it, nobody is there. I just see the empty landing for our apartment and three others on the same level.
This knock-and-run occurs a couple more times over the next couple of hours, with the knockers — I’ve heard multiple giggles after the subsequent knockings — running off each time.
For what turns out to be the final time, I’m standing next to the door. The knock comes and I quickly open the door. Surprised, I see three teens take off down the stairs on either side of the landing. I also hear a clattering of one of the boys’ cell phones as it drops onto the landing.
I casually go over and pick up the phone. I go back inside and start looking over the phone.
A minute later, I hear a knock but no running. Through the door, I address the knocker.
Me: “Hello?”
Boy: “Hi, I was wondering if I could have my phone back. It fell out of my pocket.”
Me: “That’s okay. I’m just going to call the listing for ‘Dad,’ and he can pick it up after he gets home from work.”
Boy: *Dejectedly* “Okay.”
I called “Dad” and explained what was happening. He agreed for me to hold the phone until that evening. It turned out to be the resident of the apartment diagonal to mine on the same landing. He apologized, and I assume he gave his son a good talking-to.
This story was featured in our May 2020 roundup!
