, , , , , | Right | July 9, 2020

Customer: “Yes, I would like to buy insurance for me and my husband, please.”

Me: “Okay, I’m going to need some information. What are your names and current address?”

The customer gives me their information.

Me: “Do either of you have any arrests on your records?”

Customer: “No.”

I look them up on my computer and find out that the husband has been arrested for DUI.

Me: “I’m sorry, but it seems like I’m going to have to deny coverage for your husband because he has been arrested for DUI.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah. You’re not supposed to count that; it wasn’t his fault.”

Me: “Not his fault? And how is that exactly?”

Customer: “Our lawyer said that it would be expunged from his record.”

Me: “Well, it sounds like you need to get in contact with your lawyer about that before I can approve your coverage.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.” *Click*

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Outlining Her Complaint

, , , , , | Right | June 23, 2020

I work as a caricature artist at a theme park, and though we get the occasional rejection, this one always confuses me. I have just drawn the basic outline of a girl’s face.

Mother: “It doesn’t look like her.”

Me: “I… but… what?”

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Every Tile On File

, , , , | Right | June 5, 2020

I work in a tile and flooring store.

Me: “[Store], this is [My Name]; how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I need to know what kind of gray tile you guys have?”

Me: “Uh… sir, we’ve got a pretty big selection; could you narrow that down? Is there a specific type or size you want?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’d like some gray tile.”

Me: “Sir, that’s a bit broad for me to be able to help you over the phone.”

The customer is silent.

Me: “It might be easier if you go online and look at our stock there and get an idea of what you like, and then you can call me back and I can tell you if we have it or not.”

Customer: “No, I’m in the car on my way over. Just tell me about your gray tile.”

Me: “Sir, we have far too big a selection for me to tell you about it over the phone.”

Customer: *Pause* “Get a manager on the phone now. I don’t understand why you’re being so uncooperative.”

I screamed internally. We literally stock about 1200 types of tile at any given time, hence my reluctance to begin consulting on gray tiles willy-nilly.

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Schooling The Secretary On Her Paperwork Skills

, , , , , | Working | May 14, 2020

I move to Texas in 2009. Everyone says I will get a teaching position easily, since I teach math. However, jobs are not forthcoming.

I finally get an interview with a school after applying on their district’s website. The interview is on a Thursday, so I am not expecting any news until the following week. Also, schools rarely call back candidates who they do not hire.

On Tuesday morning the next week, I get a call at home. My phone identifies it as the school, so I’m excited to answer.

Me: “Hello?”

Secretary: “Hello, Mr. [My Name]. This is [High School] in [District]. We’d like to schedule you for an interview. Would you be available tomorrow morning?”

I’m thinking it is a second interview to meet more staff.

Me: “Oh, that’d be great. Is there anything extra you’d like me to bring to this second interview?”

Secretary: *Pause* “Second interview?”

Me: “I interviewed with your principal last Thursday.”

Secretary: “Oh… Never mind.” *Click*

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Whales And Dolphins And Snakes, Oh My!

, , , , , | Right | May 12, 2020

These are multiple accounts of working at a waterpark, zoo, and theme park as a caricature artist.

Guest #1: “That’s where the whale is at, right? He lives there.”

I see he’s pointing to our central fresh-water lake where we have the ski show.

Me: *Pause* “No.”

Guest #2: *To her son* “See, snakes don’t have genders like worms, and they don’t have any bones.”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, snakes are mostly just a spine and a lot of ribs.”

Guest #2: “Oh, I think I know what I’m talking about, honey.”

Child: “I like dolphins!”

Me: “Why do you like dolphins?”

Child: “Because they eat other dolphins!”

A guest motions to the flamingo.

Guest #3: *To their child* “Look, it’s a flamingo!”

The guest points at me.

Guest #3: “Look, it’s an artist!”

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