Ding-Dong-Ditch, Drop, And Dial Dad

, , , , , , , | Friendly | May 2, 2020

It is summer, and I am unemployed. I’m at my family’s garden-style apartment filling out online applications. My computer desk is near our front door. 

I hear a knock and get up to answer. I hear some scurrying as I get to the door. When I open it, nobody is there. I just see the empty landing for our apartment and three others on the same level.

This knock-and-run occurs a couple more times over the next couple of hours, with the knockers — I’ve heard multiple giggles after the subsequent knockings — running off each time.

For what turns out to be the final time, I’m standing next to the door. The knock comes and I quickly open the door. Surprised, I see three teens take off down the stairs on either side of the landing. I also hear a clattering of one of the boys’ cell phones as it drops onto the landing. 

I casually go over and pick up the phone. I go back inside and start looking over the phone.

A minute later, I hear a knock but no running. Through the door, I address the knocker.

Me: “Hello?”

Boy: “Hi, I was wondering if I could have my phone back. It fell out of my pocket.”

Me: “That’s okay. I’m just going to call the listing for ‘Dad,’ and he can pick it up after he gets home from work.”

Boy: *Dejectedly* “Okay.”

I called “Dad” and explained what was happening. He agreed for me to hold the phone until that evening. It turned out to be the resident of the apartment diagonal to mine on the same landing. He apologized, and I assume he gave his son a good talking-to.

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Hamburgers Are The Cure

, , , , , , , | Right | April 1, 2020

I was talking with the waiter at a restaurant yesterday about how crazy the people are being about buying supplies due to the panic buying. My local grocery store was out of expected items such as water, toilet paper, and paper towels. The cheap eggs were gone, but the more expensive eggs were untouched. More unexpected to me, at least, was that shelves were bare of other basics like hamburgers.

The waiter indicated they have been having problems too: people were stealing the toilet paper from their restrooms. I can just imagine the next customer in the restroom…

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My Nose Is Constipated

, , , , , , | Right | December 10, 2019

(I am the weird customer in this one. I have just moved to the US from Norway to go to college. While I am fluent in English and most people don’t notice my accent, I still get the odd words mixed up. I’m standing in line at the college bookstore, with a pretty bad cold so my nose is stuffy and my eyes are red.)

Cashier: “Good afternoon, miss. How are you today?”

Me: “I’m good, thanks, other than being really constipated.”

Cashier: *blank stare*

Me: *smiling more and more insecurely*

Cashier: “Um…” *clicking* “Oh, you mean congested?”

Me: “Ohhh, oh, my gosh yes! I’m so sorry. I got the words mixed up.”

Cashier: “You’re not from around here, are you?”

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Not Thermodynamically Intuitive

, , , , | Right | November 16, 2019

(I work at a very well-known coffee shop, and on this particular day, I’m working drive-thru. A car pulls up to the window, and I take the payment and chit-chat with the driver for a couple of seconds. He’s a nice, normal-seeming man, up until I hand out his drinks.)

Me: “All right, sir, here is your hot decaf black coffee, and here is your iced green tea latte!”

(He looks at the drinks, then turns back to me with a confused look on his face.)

Customer: “Which one is the hot coffee, and which one is the iced latte?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “…”

Me: “The… green one in the clear cup is the iced latte, sir. Have a nice day.”

(My faith in humanity dies a little more every time I have to tell someone how to tell the difference between a hot drink in a hot cup that feels very hot and an iced drink with visible ice in it in a cold cup that feels cold.)

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Driving Them Away Via The Driveway

, , , , , | Legal | July 5, 2019

(Our house is on the corner of the street, so it is very common for people visiting our neighbors to park in front of our house. I don’t mind when they park in front of our yard, but recently, I’ve been having problems with one particular car getting parked forward enough to be in front of our driveway. They are just an inch or two in front of the drive, and one of my friends who is a cop says that it is unlikely to get towed or even ticketed for just that, so I just deal with it. I do keep a lookout to see if I can catch the person who owns the car and try and talk to them about it. Then, one day, I come out to find the car a full two feet in front of our driveway, blocking me off from getting to work. Thanks to some brick walls along the edge of the drive, there is no way for me to cut around, so I call the police. They arrive about twenty minutes later, after I’ve already called into work to explain the situation. They look at it and then head around to knock on a few doors to see if they can get the driver to move the car before getting a tow truck called out. None of the people who answer claim the car, so a tow truck is called out. By the time it actually arrives, I am an hour late for work and rather steamed. The tow truck gets hooked up and they are loading up the car, when a man suddenly comes charging out of one of the houses across the street — which happens to have a completely empty driveway — screaming about them moving his car.)

Man: “That’s my car! What do you f*****s think you’re doing to my car?!”

Officer: “Sir, your car is blocking this man’s driveway. If you will move it, we can let you off with a ticket rather than impounding it.”

Man: “F*** you!”

(He tries to shove the cop, and ends up being wrestled to the ground, swearing the entire way. He ends up being arrested, and his car is towed off. However, that isn’t the end of it. About a week later, I get a knock on my door, and I answer to see a woman I vaguely recognize from around the neighborhood.)

Woman: “Hey! A**hole! You got my boyfriend arrested, you dumb c***!”

(She then hauled back and tried to spit at me, but she didn’t get enough force, leaving her standing there with spit dripping from her mouth and onto her shirt. She spun around and scurried away at that, but then, a couple of days later, we found our front garden torn up and insults written in lipstick on the side of our car. We contacted the police, mentioning the prior incidents, and they eventually sent out a unit to investigate. I watched as they went and knocked on the door of the house across the street, and I got to see this lady try and take a swing at the officers and end up getting hauled off. Like boyfriend, like girlfriend, I guess.)

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