The Day Of The Burger

| NJ, USA | Related | February 13, 2015

(We’re in a restaurant that specializes in burgers when I notice a sign that says ‘Same Day Service Available.’)

Me: *pointing out sign* “Well, I should hope so! Can you imagine ordering a burger and being told it’s ready on Wednesday? And then you forget what day they told you to pick it up, so you make a sandwich for dinner and finish eating it…”

Brother: “And then you remember and you’re like ‘d*** it!'”

Me: “Or they don’t tell you ahead of time when it’ll be ready, and call you at two am to say your burger is ready…”

Brother: “No, they fax you. ‘You’re burger is almost ready… just a few more weeks.’ And give you a weekly update on how your burger is coming along.”

Me: “Except there’s no way a burger should take that long and they’re just procrastinating.”

Brother: “When they tell you it’s ready, you come in and it’s something they slapped together five minutes before you got there.”

A Shapely Comeback

| Wilsonville, OR, USA | Romantic | February 13, 2015

(I’m having lunch with my husband and I’m feeling depressed and self-conscious about how I look.)

Me: Sorry I’m so fat and out of shape.

Husband: *while looking at the menu* “Yeah. Me, too.”

(He meant that he was sorry he was out of shape, too, but wasn’t paying attention to the wording.)

Husband: *as his face goes pale* “No! That’s not what I meant! I meant I’m out of shape! God!”

(I died laughing. Luckily I knew what he meant as soon as he said it, but he still felt bad.)

You Just Drank PP

| ON, Canada | Right | February 13, 2015

(A lady and her husband walk into the store and order two medium coffees, one with milk, and one with double cream and double sugar. It is required that we mark the lid in order to determine whose beverage is whose, so I mark the drink with double cream and double sugar. Usually for this I write ‘dd’ on the lid. I put the drink on the counter, and the lady walks over to pick up her drink. She looks at the drink and asks me why I put two ‘p’s on the lid.)

Me: “Ma’am, those are ‘d’s. The drink is facing the opposite way”.

Her: “Why don’t you put the proper “D”s on the lid?”

Me: “I use that to indicate decaf coffee.”

Her:“But the ‘d’ is not a real letter anyway; learn to write properly next time.” *walks off in a huff*

Decent Management Has Gone Down The Toilet

, | Peterborough, ON, Canada | Working | February 12, 2015

(It’s a slower morning, so the manager on shift is having us do some extra cleaning. He assigns me to clean the walls in the customer bathrooms. I finish the men’s room and move on to the women’s. As I’m cleaning, a customer walks in.)

Customer: “Oh, should I come back?”

Me: “No, no, it’s okay. You go ahead. I can come back in a few minutes.”

(I go back to the kitchen to work on another task while I wait.)

Manager: “All finished?”

Me: “Not quite, someone came in before I was done. I’ll go back in a couple minutes.”

Manager: “You should have made her wait.”

(I think he’s joking, so I half laugh at it. I finish cleaning the bathroom and the manager comes up to me again.)

Manager: *completely serious* “Next time, block the door with something and don’t let them come in.”

Getting Shirty With You

| PA, USA | Friendly | February 12, 2015

(I’m out to dinner with a few of my female friends. I’m wearing a fan made My Little Pony and Harry Potter shirt that says ‘My Patronus is a Pony’.)

Friend #1: *seeing my shirt* “Oh, my god, [My Name], you’re so crazy!”

Me: “We’ve established this. You think I’d wear a shirt like this if I cared if anyone knew I was crazy?”

Friend #1: “But it’s so stupid!”

Me: “Eh, whatever.”

(Later, as we’re getting up to leave the restaurant, a fairly attractive waitress is passing by and notices my shirt.)

Waitress: *stops dead and reads my shirt* “HA! I love your shirt, man!”

Me: “Thanks!”

(We leave the restaurant.)

Me: *turning to [Friend #1]* “Oh, I’m so CRAZY, right? No one would like this shirt.”

Friend #1: “Shut up.”

Page 199/603First...197198199200201...Last