A Very Odd(apus) Child

| SC, USA | Related | June 7, 2015

(My sister and I take a trip out of town for a few days and stay with some relatives. To thank me for babysitting their three- and five-year-old daughters, they tell us to pick any restaurant and we’d go there for dinner. I ask the kids what they thought and they insist on a Japanese grill and buffet. Once we are seated, the following exchange takes place:)

Cousin: “Okay, girls, what do you want to eat?”

Five-Year-Old: “I want pizza, rice, and chicken!”

Three-Year-Old: “I wan’ oddapus.”

Cousin: “You want… octopus? Are you sure?”

Three-Year-Old: “ODDAPUS.”

(My cousin comes back from the buffet with a plate of tiny octopi in some kind of sauce. I look on in horrified fascination as she eats them with gusto.)

Me: “Are… are those good, sweetie?”

Three-Year-Old: “Yep.” *sticks another octopus in her mouth*

(She is a much braver person than I am!)

Don’t Drive Fast(food)

, | Everett, WA, USA | Right | June 5, 2015

Me: “Hi, would you like to try [New Sandwich we are promoting] today?”

Customer: “No thanks, I’m driving.”

The Milk Of Human Weirdness

| MN, USA | Right | June 5, 2015

(I work in a small-town at one of the three restaurants that the residents have to choose from, so we get a lot of regulars. One regular in particular comes on a near daily basis and has always seemed generally friendly and polite, if not a little bit strange. Nevertheless, he knows all the employees there very well and often chats with us while he’s in the store. One day he decides to have story time.)

Customer: “Oh, yes, it’s been rather lonely ever since my wife died.”

Me: “Oh! I’m so sorry for your loss!”

Customer: “Yeah, I miss her a lot. She was a very kind, accommodating woman. Shortly after she had our daughter she began breastfeeding her, so I asked her if I could breastfeed off of her for sexual pleasure.”

(I was very thrown-off by this and really disturbed. The only people in the store were me and this regular along with another coworker of mine who was out back smoking. That meant I didn’t even have anyone to distract me or change the topic of conversation as I was too shocked into silence to do so myself. He continued to ramble on, unaware of my horror.)

Customer: “It was completely consensual. We both found it very satisfying. And long after our daughter got older, my wife, God bless her, kept lactating because I was breastfeeding off of her so much. She kept producing milk until the day she died.”

Me: “That’s… really, uh…”

Customer: “She was a rather large woman, bless her heart.”

(My coworker had come back in and saw that I was red in the face and was slightly confused by my look of obvious discomfort, considering I was serving a regular who we all liked and knew well. She decided to listen in to see what was up.)

Customer: “I know this isn’t something you’d typically say in public or anything, but I figure we know each other well enough.”

Me: “Um… ”

(My coworker seemed to know that he must’ve said something to freak me out and quickly jumped in.)

Coworker: “Hey, if you want I can finish his sandwich so you can go do that… thing.”

(I practically sprinted into the back room. Later, I explained to my co-worker what he had said and she was as horrified as I was. The icing on the cake is that I get to see him nearly every single day. Every. Single. Day.)

The Devil Makes You Cry

| USA | Working | June 4, 2015

(I really hate onions, so whenever there is a dish with onions, I ask to have them removed. I hate them so much that I even have a special name for them.)

Waitress: “What’ll you have?”

Me: “I’ll have the veggie fajitas without onions please.”

Waitress: “No onions? But that’s the best part.”

Me: “Not for me they’re not. I hate onions…  They’re the devil’s fruit!”

Waitress: *pauses for a moment* “What religion are you?!”

It’s Oui-Si To Understand

| Minneapolis, MN, USA | Right | June 2, 2015

Customer: “I want to order something off the menu, but everything is really hard to say and I don’t speak Spanish.”

(We’re a French restaurant, with the word ‘French’ in our name.)

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