(I over-hear two members of our Star Wars costume group. We only ever dress up as the bad guys from the movies.)

Her: “Hey. Uh… I noticed you’re doing your best to pick up Sally?”

Him: “Yeah, she’s pretty cute.”

Her: “You do realise she bats for the other team, right?”

Him: “You mean, she’s a Jedi?”

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(I intend to propose to my rather strange girlfriend. I take her up to a park that overlooks the city. It’s night-time, so the city lights are rather attractive from where we are. We look out over them.)

Me: *nervously* “Honey, I have something I want to say.”

Girlfriend: “Yeah, I thought as much. What did you do this time?”

Me: “I…what?”

Girlfriend: “You only ever take me places when you’re trying to make up for something you did wrong. What is it today?”

Me: “No, no! It’s nothing like that!”

Girlfriend: “Sure it isn’t. This is the part where you try and rationalize what you’ve done and turn it into a good thing. We’ve been together four years now, dear. I know you too well.”

Me: “Listen, will you just hear me out?”

Girlfriend: “Yes, okay. Fine. What is it?”

(I launch into a little speech that I’d prepared, mood dampened slightly by what had just happened. At the end, I get down on one knee.)

Me: “Will you marry me?”

Girlfriend: *instantly* “Yes! Of course, yes!”

(I put on her ring, and we hug. She’s in tears. It’s at this point that she whispers something in my ear.)

Girlfriend: “It was bad news after all…”

(I’m meeting my boyfriend on a pier to watch the Fourth of July fireworks. It’s a very popular location in a predominately Hispanic neighborhood. Though I don’t look very Hispanic, I am. My boyfriend is Nordic. An old man starts talking to my boyfriend before I find him.)

Old man: “There sure are a lot of people here today, aren’t there?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, well, it’s the Fourth of July.”

Old man: “There are a lot of them Hispanics, too, aren’t there?”

Boyfriend: “I guess?”

Old man: “The women are nice to look at, aren’t they? You know, you can look, that’s fine. But you can’t marry them. Imagine if you had mixed children with them! They’re taking over our country!”

Boyfriend: “Actually, my girlfriend is Hispanic.”

Old man: “Well, sleeping with them is fine. Just don’t marry them or have kids with them!”

(My boyfriend is speechless. I find him and walk up. He wraps his arms around me and kisses me sweetly.)

Boyfriend: *to me “Hi, my dear. I missed you.” *to the old man* “This is my girlfriend.”

Old man: “She looks like a nice white girl.”

Boyfriend: “Actually, she’s half Puerto Rican. She’s one of those ‘mixed children’.”

(He keeps his arms around me, clearly indicating that we’re not just ‘sleeping together’. He stalks off, mumbling about mixed children and Hispanics.)

(We are whitewater rafting in West Virginia. While floating between rapids, a girl in her mid-20s from a large city in Virginia randomly starts asking me questions.)

Customer: “Man! There are a lot of trees here. Why are there so many trees? Can’t you take some of them out?”

Me: “Um, okay. Why do we need to take the trees out?”

Customer: “Well, I thought trees had to be at least twenty feet apart!”

(It’s obvious she’s a city girl, so I decide to have a little fun.)

Me: “Oh, well let me explain. You see, over in Virginia, they plowed down the forest, built your parking lot, and then planted a couple trees to try and make it look pretty. Here in West Virginia, the trees naturally grew this way and we decided to leave them because we like oxygen.”

Customer: “Oh… well, trees are ugly.”

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Me: “[Campgrounds], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Do you have any places available?”

Me: “Yes, we have sites open. What kind are you looking for?”

Customer: “I want to go camping.”

Me: “Do you want water and electricity or just a plain site?”

Customer: “Just a site.”

Me: “Okay, so we’ll see you this weekend. I just need your name and I’ll reserve it.”

Customer: “Do you have the houses with zippers?”

Me: “You mean a tent?”

Customer: “Yeah, the house with a zipper. Do you have them?”

Me: “No, you bring your own.”

Customer: “Oh. Do you know where I can get one?”

(I list a few generic stores.)

Customer: “Okay, thank you. Do you have water?”

Me: “No, your site doesn’t have a water hook-up. You can fill up at any site not being used.”

Customer: “What can I fill up?”

Me: “A water bottle, a pail, or anything.”

Customer: “Do you have coolers for us?”

Me: “No, you have to bring your own.”

Customer: “Where can I get one?”

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