We Didn’t Start The Fire (Send Us Money)

, , , , , | Friendly | March 25, 2021

I don’t mind fireworks; when done properly they can be good to watch.

Once a year, we will pick out a small selection of the quieter ones and set them off in the garden. We live in a built-up, family-friendly area, so we give the neighbours a heads-up and it tends to be a short display.

A new neighbour recently moved in across the way, instantly upsetting many; they drive over common grass and tear it up, play loud music, and have suspicious numbers of visitors. We luckily live far enough away not to be bothered by them, until bonfire night.

They start letting off fireworks when it is still light and carry on for hours. Eventually, the police arrive — more to deal with the rowdy behaviour than the fireworks — and we get some quiet. But it’s not for long, and soon they are back to the same as before, if not much worse.

A few days later, a plea goes out on our local Facebook group. A local resident is asking for help after a “freak accident” set their shed on fire. They go on and on with a sob story and saying how nice everyone is who offered help

That is, until one eagle-eyed person recognises that this was posted by the same unruly neighbour from bonfire night, and the fire was only started because they were drunk and throwing the fireworks at the joining fence.

All the offers of help and free tools and toys are withdrawn as the poster devolves into a shouting match before being kicked from the group completely.

I can still see the remnants of the shed from the road. It looks like no one wanted to help them after all.

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Good Thing You’re Alive, Because I’m Going To Kill You

, , , , , | Friendly | March 24, 2021

As a student, my wife used to live in an apartment block that was built specifically for students. The insulation of the building was extremely poor. When someone walked through the corridor on the same level, it was clearly audible in her studio apartment. During winter, it was next to impossible to warm it up, while during summer, the heat was intense because the architect apparently thought a black building would look nice. And obviously, she could hear every sound her next-door neighbours made. Luckily, her best friend was one of them and she, like my wife, couldn’t stand loud noises.

One day, my wife woke up to the “lovely” sound of her other neighbour’s radio, which was playing quite loud. Since she spent most of the day at home, this made the day quite tense. Several times she walked over and rang the door in the hope that he would turn down the music. He never answered, apparently since the music was so loud.

By night, my wife was obviously fed up. She wanted to go to sleep, which the loud music made impossible for her due to her light sleeping. After some final attempts to get his attention, she decided enough was enough and called the police.

When the police arrived, they couldn’t get him to respond, either. My wife, however, had also mentioned to them that she had tried to talk to her neighbour the whole day, but that he never answered the door, while the music kept playing. She had noticed that it was now taking strangely long for him to reply and suggested that something could have happened to the neighbour. This was enough reason for the police to try and force the door open. They didn’t manage. Another student, who walked by, ironically did. (No, he was no burglar. He just had experience with accidentally locking himself out.)

Now, what on earth had happened to the neighbour? Was he dead? Or just completely stoned? No, nothing of the sort. Turns out, he wasn’t even home that day. And that he had forgotten to turn off the alarm of his clock radio.

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Won’t Somebody Think Of The Children?!

, , , | Friendly | January 30, 2021

My friend is a pediatrician and only recently graduated and started working. She still lives in the apartment she rented as a student. Recently, a few first-semester students moved into the apartment right next to hers. They like to invite lots of other kids and party hard until three am or longer every single day.

My friend is very chill and wouldn’t mind at all, except that it keeps her from sleeping. She’s tried talking to them nicely, during the night or the day, several times.

Neighbors: “Oh, we’re so sorry. It won’t happen again!”

Finally, she’s done with being nice. There’s loud music, again, at two am. She stalks over to the other apartment and almost knocks the door down. Some drunk teenagers open. 

Friend: “I’M A DOCTOR, AND IF I CAN’T SLEEP NOW, CHILDREN WILL DIE BECAUSE OF YOU!”

They kept the parties to the weekends after that.

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Not Enough Warmth For This Friendship To Rise

, , , , | Friendly | January 2, 2021

I’m loading my kids into the car to get to an appointment. While well-behaved, they are full of high spirits and the promise of a treat is causing them to be very excitable and loud. It’s great to see, but it’s hard to get them in the car by myself.

I manage to get them buckled up and I’m about to shut the car door when I hear someone. I look up and see someone trying to get my attention, someone I think might live down my street somewhere.

Me: “Hello?”

Neighbour: “Hi. I live at [address number].”

That’s way, way down the street.

Me: “Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.”

Neighbour: “Yeah, can I borrow some flour? Self-raising?”

Me: “Err, I’m not sure I have any, I’m afraid, and I’m heading somewhere. We’re late, actually.”

Neighbour: “Well, it is important! Can you just check?!”

Me: *Pause* “You know what? I remember now; we used the last of it up. Sorry.”

I got in the car without waiting for a response, but I thought I could make out a few choice words.

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Hold Your Horses!

, , , , , | Legal | December 27, 2020

My parents are holding onto a pair of our neighbor’s escaped horses in our front yard when an animal control officer stops to talk to them.

Officer: “Are these your horses?”

Mom: “No, they belong to our neighbor. We’ve already called and they are on their way.”

Officer: “Good, I want to talk to them. This isn’t the first time I’ve been called about these horses. Do you see them loose often?”

Mom: “No, this is a first for us. The goat, on the other hand—”

Officer: “There’s a goat?”

Father: “There’s the goat!”

As they were talking about it, our neighbor’s little black goat came trotting down the street! All animals were returned home safely and the neighbor replaced their fence so there were no more escapees of the equine or caprine variety.


This story is part of our Horse roundup!

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