The Nightmare Before Christmas

, , , , , , | Related | December 27, 2018

(In this story, I am about eight years old. It’s Halloween, and my three friends and I are trick-or-treating around my neighborhood. I am dressed like a cat, and so are two of my friends, while the other one is dressed as Mrs. Claus. I ring the doorbell to a house. A guy and his wife open the door.)

Friends & Me: “Trick or treat!”

(The guy looks from me to my two other friends dressed like cats, and then to my other friend dressed as Mrs. Claus.)

Guy: “WHAT IS THIS? IT’S NOT EVEN NOVEMBER YET! FIRST THE GROCERY STORES, AND NOW THIS? PREMATURE CHRISTMAS DECORATING HAS STRUCK AGAIN!”

(He clutched his chest and fell to the floor. My friends and I just looked at each other in confusion. His wife apologized profusely and gave us each a big handful of candy. It was pretty weird, but you have to admit, we had it coming!)

Don’t Take This Neighborly Advice

, , , , | Friendly | December 20, 2018

(My bedroom window is over our back gardens and my neighbor has a very loud voice, so I unintentionally overhear several of his conversations.)

Neighbour: *on phone* “Yeah, he speaks one of those Chinese-y type languages, like Spanish…”

Neighbour: “Why do you need coal or gas to light the barbecue? Can you not just use fire?”

Neighbour: “Can you eat the fruit on that tree next door?”

(My garden has the only tree near his house and it’s a pine tree. Another time he has a builder over to paint his conservatory.)

Builder: “Just have to take some outside measurements now, and we can order the optimum paint for this.”

Neighbour: “Why do you want a transformer for it?”

(Would have loved to see the builder’s reaction!)

Neighbour: “Does he worship Muslim, too?”

(Particularly strange, as he is of Middle-Eastern descent.)

Make Some Noise About Them Making Some Noise

, , , , | Friendly | December 2, 2018

(One of my neighbours comes home at four am with at least five people. They stand on the balcony, making a lot of noise, waking up my eighteen-month-old and three-year-old.)

Me: *from my balcony* “Excuse me. Do you know what the time is?

Neighbor: “Umm… About four o’clock.”

Me: “Oh, you do know what time it is. So, you’re just an insensitive jerk, waking everyone up, then. Good to know.”

(They all go quiet and can hear my kids crying with my husband trying to get them back to sleep.)

Neighbor: “Sorry about that.”

(They all went inside, then left. The next day, my neighbour knocked on my door with a six-pack of beer for my husband, a box of chocolates for me, a teddy bear each for my kids, and an apology for all of us.)

Coyote Ugly Parenting

, , , , , , , | Friendly | November 28, 2018

(My mail arrives late on this summer day, somewhere around 6:00 pm. I haven’t taken more than three steps when I hear an unfamiliar sound. Part of it reminds me of a tree snapping, but it sounds too metallic. Also, there is something like a patter mixed in, along with something like heavy breathing. Curiosity gets the better of me, so I follow it next door. Less than a second after I walk past my fence, I am looking straight into the answer’s eyes, and I run back to my door. The tree and metal snapping sounds are my neighbor’s fence being torn away. The patter is digging. And the heavy breathing is coming from the coyote doing it. However, I probably look like a fool, since that thing decides to ignore me as soon as I am gone, and goes back to digging. Once I am back inside and have ensured that my dog is, as well, I go to the back of my house to try and figure out why the coyote is so determined to get in my neighbor’s backyard. That takes all of two seconds. The moment I peek out the blinds, I see my neighbor sticking her head out the window, checking on her five-year-old daughter playing in the backyard. I quickly stick my head out the window, too.)

Me: “[Neighbor]! Bring your kid in! There’s a coyote trying to get into your yard!”

Neighbor: “No, no. It’s just someone’s dog. It’s fine. We don’t have vicious dogs around here.”

Me: “Lady, I looked right at it! It’s a coyote! Get your kid out of there before it tears down your fence!”

Neighbor: “It’s not going to hurt anyone! It just wants to play nice!”

Me: “Tell that to your fence!”

Neighbor: *sighs* “Fine! [DAUGHTER]! COME INSIDE AND WASH UP!”

(Thankfully, her daughter comes right in. A few minutes later, the noises stop. I poke my head out again and see the coyote running around her backyard.)

Neighbor: “THAT’S A F****** COYOTE!”

(It went away before the police or animal control could arrive. Neither my dog nor my neighbor’s daughter were left outside unattended for a long while after that, though we’ve yet to see another coyote or any evidence of one.)

Human Goes Missing: No One Notices. Dog Goes Missing: Search And Rescue!

, , , , , , , | Friendly | November 17, 2018

The dog we had growing up was the sweetest, friendliest dog you could imagine. He loved people, and all of our neighbours knew him and loved him back. They didn’t know our names, but they knew our dog.

At one point we needed to move to another state temporarily for my dad’s work, and took the dog with us. Six months later my mum, sister, and I returned home to spend Christmas with our family and ran into one of our neighbours.

He came up to us and said he hadn’t seen our dog for a while, had he died? Mum had to inform him that no, the dog was very much alive, we’d just been living on the other side of the country for the last few months.

They had noticed our dog was no longer around and coming to visit, but none of them had noticed that our house was empty and my family wasn’t living there or going about our daily business.

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