You Gotta Be Kid-ding Me

, , , , , | Friendly | June 28, 2019

(I’ve recently moved into a house that I am renting with a few other housemates. Most of the other houses in the area have families living in them, so it isn’t uncommon to have a bunch of kids running around the area. On this day, I am unloading some groceries from my car when a few kids run past. Suddenly, the kids dart in and grab the bags that I haven’t picked up and run off with them.)

Me: “Hey!”

(The kids run to one of the houses a few doors down, so I drop the bags I’ve already picked up back in the trunk, shut and lock it to prevent a repeat, and then run after them. They’ve already entered the house by the time I get there, so I pound on the door. A lady answers.)

Me: *with an attempt at a polite smile* “Hi. A couple of your kids grabbed some bags from my car while I was unloading, so I’m here to get those back. I think–”

Lady: *screeching* “How dare you?! You accusing my boys of stealing?! They wouldn’t do that! How dare you?!”

(I have zero tolerance for the type of people who resort straight to shouting, so I pull out my phone and punch in three numbers, before holding it up so she can see.)

Me: “I was willing to write it off as childish mischief. Do we need to treat it as actual theft?”

(The lady glares at me and looks like she’s about to slam the door in my face, so I take a step forward, putting my foot over the threshold. She actually growls, before stepping back and picking up the bags from where they’ve been dumped on a side table, just inside the door.)

Lady: “Fine, if you have to have them so bad.”

Me: *in the most disgusted tone I can muster* “They’re mine, b****.”

(I then stomped off, leaving her to gape after me at calling her what she is.)

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Is That A New Pokemon?

, , , , , , | Related | June 13, 2019

(Our little neighbor boy comes over for a visit, and we are watching a documentary.)

Narrator: “The kiwi has been caught and…”

Me: “Is that a pigeon?”

Nana: “No, it’s a kiwi.”

Me: “No, it’s a pigeon.”

Neighbor Boy: “What are they doing to it?”

Nana: “They’re putting a tracker on the kipigeon.”

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There’s No Mending Fences Here

, , , , , , | Friendly | June 10, 2019

(I have two dogs and an acre and a half — more than a football field — surrounding my house for them to play in. I thought about a physical fence to keep them in, but they stick to their boundaries without it, so I decide against it. One day, I am out playing with my dogs when a lab mix I’ve never seen before comes wandering in the yard. My dogs are, understandably, upset by this intruder and bark at it but never advance. I take them back inside immediately to decompress and watch the dog wander off. Not ten minutes later, there is a knock on my door. A man I don’t recognize is standing there with the mystery dog.)

Man: “You told your dogs to attack my dog!”

Me: “Um… hello?”

Man: *mocking* “‘Um, hello!’”

Me: “That’s your dog?”

Man: “Yes!”

Me: “Oh. Um, well, hello. I’m [My Name].” *extends my hand*

Man: *smacks my hand away* “I ought to call the cops on you. Vicious dogs and no fence!”

Me: “They barked. It’s what dogs do.”

Man: “They attacked my dog! He just wanted to play!”

Me: “And where were you?”

Man: “I got better things to do than watch my dog take a s*** and walk around.”

Me: “Sir, you’re aware there’s a hefty fine for not having your dog on a leash when it’s not on your property?”

Man: “He wanted to play with your dogs! What’s the big deal?”

Me: “My dogs were on my property and chased your unrestrained, stranger-dog away. And you were nowhere in sight. That’s the big deal.”

Man: “So?”

Me: “If you want your dog to play with mine, I have no problem with that. But I don’t know you and I don’t know your dog, so I’m certainly not going to let my dogs interact with him.”

Man: “I know a f****** pit-bull when I see one! They’ll get a bullet between their eyes for this!”

Me: *seeing red* “Leave.”

Man: *steps closer* “Yeah?”

(As if on cue, my dopey dogs finally got up from their naps to see who was at the door, saw the other dog, and barked at it again. The louder one pushed her way past me and got face-to-face with the lab mix. The man grabbed his dog by the collar and marched off. I decided it was time to put up a chain-link fence after all. I have seen him walking his dog past my fence a few times. I always smile and wave but he never acknowledges me. Such neighborly behavior! By the way, my two “pit-bulls” are English Mastiffs.)

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The Joffrey School Of Parenting

, , , , , | Friendly | June 8, 2019

(When I am a kid, we have neighbors who have a son who is roughly my age, so our parents decide we should be playmates. However, partway through elementary school, we notice my toys and stuff go missing after he comes over, and we end up catching him stuffing some of our toys in his bag. We take them back and my mom sends him home. An hour later, his mom show up and starts demanding that we give her son “his” toys. Mom explains what we found and tells her that this is not okay, and then his mom drops this gem.)

Neighbor: “If he really likes something, that makes it his. Don’t be selfish.”

(Mom slammed the door in her face, and we stopped interacting with them. We ended up catching him trying to actually break into our house when we were hosting a neighborhood barbecue a year or so later, which caused more drama, but his parents kept enabling him.)

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My Hands Are As Clean As A Whistle

, , , , , | Friendly | May 29, 2019

(My husband answers the door to a neighbor, angrily knocking.)

Neighbor: “Hey! Your son had better cut that s*** out!”

Husband: “Huh? [Son] isn’t even here right now.”

Neighbor: “Bulls***! My wife’s laying out in her bikini and your son’s in his room whistling at her! If it’s not him, then it’s you!”

Husband: *laughs*

(This, of course, ticks off Mr. [Neighbor] even more.)

Husband: “Hold on, hold on… Come on in the house. We’ll talk with whoever it is whistling at your wife.”

(The neighbor man follows my husband into the room and he points to the offending whistler: a newly acquired parrot! The bird cocks his head at the newcomer and whistles at him.)

Husband: “Okay… Do you want to apologize to me, my son, or the bird?”

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