Peewee football is just getting started in my end of Nebraska. I work in a small screen printing shop that also sells sporting equipment. When I say small, I mean small; there are only four employees total when everyone is here.

Currently, we seem to be the only ones in our little town who have any football helmets, shoulder pads, and mouth guards. Even what we have is limited, so when people ask us to hold back equipment, we limit it to a twenty-four-hour hold.

We have a set of shoulder pads and pants held back for a customer. She manages to make it to the store about five minutes before we close. She also announces that she needs to get a mouth guard because her kid doesn’t know where his is and he has practice tonight.

I direct her to the mouth guards and start explaining the differences between the different options we have.

Customer: “So, do I have to boil these and mold them?”

Me: “Yes. These mouth guards are really only effective when they have been correctly molded to the teeth. Not having them molded could cause more issues.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t have time for that! He has practice tonight! This is just a waste when he has one at home. He just can’t find it!”

She picks up another mouth guard that boldly says, “FOR BRACES.”

Customer: “Well, this one doesn’t look like it needs to be molded!”

Me: “That one is for braces. Does he have braces?”

Customer: “No! This is such a waste. He has one at home!”

I put the mouth guard back as she wanders off to look at the rest of our inventory. She finally comes back up to the checkout counter and I complete her credit card transaction for the shoulder pads and pants. Afterward, she is studying her receipt, still standing at the counter.  

Customer: “WHERE IS THE MOUTH GUARD?! WHY DIDN’T YOU CHARGE ME FOR A MOUTH GUARD?! DIDN’T YOU HAVE ONE IN YOUR HAND WHEN YOU CAME UP HERE?! I NEED A MOUTH GUARD FOR HIM!”

Me: “I apologize, ma’am. I thought you had decided against purchasing one, since you thought he had one at home.”

Customer: “BUT I DON’T KNOW WHERE THAT ONE IS! AT LEAST IF HE TAKES ONE TO PRACTICE THE COACH WILL KNOW HE HAS ONE!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. I will grab one for you.”

I walk over and grab the mouth guard we had been looking at and bring it back up to the sales counter. Keep in mind, she paid over $80 on a credit card for the shoulder pads and pants.

Customer: “WELL, IT’S A GOOD THING I HAD CASH IN MY PHONE CASE TO PAY FOR THIS ONE!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. This is your total and here is your change. Have a wonderful rest of your night.”

I am training a member of staff. A moody customer comes up to our counter.

Customer: *Loudly* “I want a large [meal]. And use only one plate! I am not carrying a bunch of crap!”

Trainee: *Quietly, to me* “Doesn’t [meal] come on three plates?”

Me: *Resigned* “Yes.”

I watch the trainee carefully stack each item onto the plate as demanded, attempting to keep the items separated. It clearly does not meet the customer’s standards.

Customer: *Yelling* “What the f***?! Can you see this slop?!”

Me: *Calmly* “A large [meal], on one dish as requested. What isn’t meeting your standards today?”

Customer: “Everything’s slopped together! When I eat, I expect my food not touching!”

Me: “You requested a single plate for our largest meal. Unfortunately, our plates are only—”

Customer: *Cutting me off* “Your d***ed employee should have used a larger plate! I am the customer, I am right! You will fix this!”

Trainee: “Sir! You can read. The menu says [meal] comes on three plates. You demanded one plate, so clearly you read the menu. What did you expect?”

After a beat, the customer throws the plate of steaming food at me before booming that he is going to “beat some sense” into my trainee. With the sudden threat, I quickly position myself between them.

Me: “He’s new. It doesn’t excuse what he said, and I’ll handle it. Clearly, you’re upset. Please come and see my supervisor. I’ll personally fill him in while you rest comfortably.”

I led my trainee to my boss’s office. I explained what happened while my boss helped me clean up and bandage the burns on my arms. I didn’t want to press charges, but I did want this customer banned. My boss said he would handle it and left us to wait in his office.

Some time passed and my boss returned to fill us in. The customer was still angry when my boss got there and demanded he be allowed to handle the trainee. My boss refused and looked for a solution that would allow this customer to go home and not to jail, but he kept refusing and eventually swung at him!

After my boss slammed him onto the ground, the customer called the police claiming assault. When the police arrived, everything was explained and the police asked if my boss wanted to press charges. He said no, but the customer was banned.

The police explained to the customer what “banned” meant. He didn’t take the news well and went for the cops. He was arrested and guaranteed three free meals a day. I hope he likes them better than ours.

I work in a call center and frequently speak with elderly people who like to make small talk; some are quite pleasant and others are very rude or very nosy. I am female and have a name that is common for men, like Billy or Bobby, but can also be a girl’s name.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Client: “What’s your name again?!”

I repeat myself.

Client: “You sound very effeminate!”

Me: “Well, I am female.”

Client: “Oh, you must be named after your father!”

Me: *As cheerfully as I can muster* “Maybe! I don’t really know who he is! Now, what questions did you have about your account?”

Client: *Flustered* “Oh! Well, I… uh…” *Click*

Related:
Failed The Name Game, Part 10
Failed The Name Game, Part 9
Failed The Name Game, Part 8
Failed The Name Game, Part 7
Failed The Name Game, Part 6

We are running a special where you receive a free thirty-two-ounce fountain drink when you order online; our restaurant only serves fountain drinks.

I come into work this morning and there is an order that came in online at around 10:00 am that they want to pick up at 7:00 pm. That’s not that unusual, especially on our busier nights. All day, the ticket hangs on the make-bar waiting for time to make it. A little after seven…

Customer: “How long has my pizza been in the warmer? I don’t want a pizza that has been in there all day.”

Me: “When someone orders for a specific time, we try to have it ready five minutes prior.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want a pizza that has been in there all day long.”

I am thinking. “Why would you order ten hours before you wanted it if you’re worried it’s going to be in the warmer all day?”

Me: “It hasn’t been in the warmer all day. It was made just before seven.”

Customer: “How do I know that? I don’t want a pizza that has been in the warmer all day!”

Me: “I’ve been here since this morning. Your ticket has been sitting on the make-bar all day waiting for the time to make it. Your total is [total].”

The customer hands me his card and remarks as he looks around the restaurant:

Customer: “This place is a dump. You’ll be closed within a year.”

The owners opened their first restaurant in the seventies and this particular location has been open for over four years.

Me: “Here’s your card back and your free drink.”

I hand him an empty thirty-two-ounce drink cup. He holds up the cup and waves it around.

Customer: “And what am I supposed to do with this?”

Me: “I’m not sure what you’re asking.”

Customer: *Waving the cup around some more* “What am I supposed to do with this cup?”

Me: “Take it to the drink machine and fill it with your favorite beverage?”

Customer: *Continues to wave his drink cup around* “And then what? I’m just supposed to carry a cup around?!”

Me: “There are lids and straws by the drink machine.”

Customer: “But then what? I’m just supposed to carry this around?!”

Me: “Sir, it’s a free drink. Fill it up, don’t fill it up; frankly, I don’t care.”

The customer stares at me for a few seconds and starts toward the drink machine.

Customer: “This place is such a dump. You’ll be closed in a year.”

I waited behind the counter until the customer filled his drink and left the restaurant, just in case he wanted to let me know again what a dump the place was.

I work at a pet store. We sell bully sticks, which are actually made of — I’m sorry — bull penises. A woman holds one up.

Woman: “Why are these so expensive?”

Me: *Joking* “Well, there’s only one per bull, so…”

Woman: “Well, what is it made of?”

Me: *Trying not to laugh* “His, y’know… stick.”

She couldn’t have dropped it faster if it had been on fire. I love this place.