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You Need Saintlike Patience For These Priests

, , , , , , | Learning | April 17, 2020

This takes place in the nineties when I am attending Catholic School. A few other students and I are discussing “Sunday Obligation” — the fact that it’s a mortal sin to choose to skip Mass on Sundays — with one of the priests that teaches there. Catholics are allowed to attend Saturday Night Vigil Mass and it counts for one’s Sunday Obligation. 

Me: “My family usually goes to the Saturday evening Mass at [Church] because my mom often works on Sundays.”

Priest: *All high and mighty* “What kind of a place would make a Catholic Christian mother work on a Sunday? The Lord’s day?!”

Me:Saint [Name]’s Hospital. She’s an emergency room nurse.” 

Priest: “…”

That shut him up.

Weather Is Not The Referee’s Field Of Expertise

, , , , , | Learning | April 4, 2020

I’m playing in my kids’ league soccer game in Omaha. Omaha is in tornado alley, and during the game, we can see the skies starting to change. My father, who has noticed and is listening to the radio, comes out during a break in the game to talk to the referee.

Father: “There’s been a tornado warning issued. Perhaps we should stop the game.”

Referee: “Nah. The weather is still good. We’ll keep playing.”

We continue playing, and a bit later, my father comes out again.

Father: “It’s been upgraded to a tornado watch.”

Referee: “Is it for this area?”

Father: “No, but it is nearby.”

Referee: “Then we’re going to keep playing.”

And we continue to play. Finally, my father comes out for a third time.

Father: “They say it’s coming this way.”

FINALLY, they stopped the game.

Her Scam Is Small Fry

, , , , | Right | March 16, 2020

(I have a very passive-aggressive manager who doesn’t take customer’s crap. There is a lady who constantly tries to scam us for free fries. She’ll order her food, sit in the lobby for about half an hour, and then complain that her food is cold and demand that we give her more for free. The problem is, she’ll eat half of it before complaining. I am not there when this happens, but my coworkers say it goes something like this:)

Customer: “Feel these fries. They’re cold. Get me fresh ones.”

Manager: “You had half an hour to eat them. They were fresh when we gave them to you, and you already ate half of them.”

Customer: “So? Give me more fries; these are cold.”

Manager: “Okay, that’ll be [price].”

Customer: *getting agitated* “No! I want fresh, free fries! You gave me cold fries!”

Manager: “We gave you fresh fries that you let go cold; I’m not giving you free fries!”

(She keeps arguing and holding up the line until my manager finally decides to give in and shut her up. Fresh fries just came up.)

Manager: “Give those fries to drive-thru. Make her wait.”

(She ended up waiting ten minutes for her fries and being put on our “be wary of” list. The same manager later blacklisted her from the restaurant.)

Good Lord! Add A Tip!

, , , , , , | Working | January 14, 2020

(I’ve pulled up to the speaker to order my dinner from a fast food restaurant.)

Me: “Can I have a number three with a Coke, medium-sized?”

Employee: “Okay, so that’s a medium number three with a Coke. Anything else?”

Me: “Nope, that’s it.”

Employee: “Okay, please pull ahead, your total will be… a bad number.”

(On the screen, it shows the total to be $6.66. I pull ahead to the window and give him my card.)

Employee: “I won’t say the number because it’s a bad one, but you know what it is. Do you want your receipt?”

Me: “No, thank you.”

Employee: “Good choice. Don’t want the devil chasing you down.”

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We’re Still Confused

, , , , | Right | December 28, 2019

(I’m a cashier at the restaurant. A family of four guys has just come up to order. The youngest is maybe nine or ten. Note that all of our burgers usually come with ketchup, mustard, onion, and pickle.)

Boy: “Can I get a double cheeseburger meal with everything but onions?”

Me: “Did you want lettuce and tomato on that, too?”

Boy: “No.”

Me: “So…”

Boy: “And no condiments.”

Me: “So… plain? Nothing on it?”

Boy: “No. No onion, no condiments. Like, sauce.”

Me: “Oh, sorry. So, just pickle, then?”

Boy: “No. Just no onion and no condiments, but everything else.”

Me: “So… lettuce, tomato, and pickle?”

Boy: “Yes!” *walks away*